My Tears Are Made of Chalk - 2nd Edit
#1
2nd Edit

My Tears are Made of Chalk

When I cry children create rainbows on the pavement
Rain washes them away before the colors return to my face

My skin is made of vegetables
My kids will lick my arms and hands but only if I threaten with no dessert
I give new meaning to the term - vegetative state.

My hair is thick with fireflies
Each strand shines brightly in the night with a beer on every split end
Dimmed by morning, they are captured amongst fragrance free sheets

My fingernails are indestructible
I baby them like they are my future sons and daughters learning to drive in a Hummer.
When they break, I cry tears of joy, and they stare at me incredulously.

My chest moved in with an elephant
He leaves his dirty clothes in the living room and never does the dishes
My chest tried to leave him; but there is always a thin line between want and need

My stomach is full of ash
I can’t do anything about it. I tried to swallow a fly.
Perhaps I’ll die.



1st Edit

My Tears are Made of Chalk

My tears are made of chalk
Children wait for me to cry so they may create rainbows on the driveway
Rain washes them away before the colors return to my face

My skin is made of vegetables
My kids will lick my arms and hands but only if I threaten with no dessert
Meanwhile I give new meaning to the term - vegetative state.

My hair is made of fireflies
Each strand shines brightly in the night with a beer on every split end
Dimmed in the morning, they are captured and pinned amongst fragrance free sheets

My fingernails are indestructible
I baby them like they are my future sons and daughters learning to drive in a Hummer.
When they break, I cry tears of joy, and they stare at me incredulously.

My chest moved in with an elephant
He leaves his dirty clothes in the living room and never does the dishes
My chest tried to leave him; but there is always such a thin line between want and need

My stomach is full of ash
I can’t do anything about it. I tried to swallow a fly.
Perhaps I’ll die.

Original

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

My tears are made of chalk
Children wait for me to cry so that they may create rainbows on the driveway
Rain washes them away before the colors have returned to my face
My skin is made of vegetables
My kids will lick my arms and hands but only if I make them
Meanwhile I give new meaning to the term - vegetative state.
My hair is made of fireflies
Each strand shines brightly in the night with a beer on every split end
In the morning they are captured and pinned amongst fragrance free sheets
My fingernails are indestructible
I baby them like they are my future sons and daughters learning to drive in a Hummer.
When they brake, I cry tears of joy, and they stare at me incredulously.
My chest has moved in with an elephant
He leaves his dirty clothes in the living room and never does the dishes
My chest tried to leave him but there is always such a thin line between love and hate
My stomach is full of ash
I can’t do anything about it. I tried to swallow a fly.
Perhaps I’ll die.
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#2
This is really good. I'll try to come back later to give you some comments.

Welcome to the site, Michele!
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#3
Loved this -- that's not my whole comment, don't worry! I'm just on my way out, I'll give it a good going-over in a few hours but I really enjoyed the first read and had to let you know Smile
It could be worse
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#4
Thank you very much, I am happy to be here!
I think I am having a hard time with the first few lines especially. But I would appreciate any and all feedback! Smile

(02-19-2013, 08:59 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Loved this -- that's not my whole comment, don't worry! I'm just on my way out, I'll give it a good going-over in a few hours but I really enjoyed the first read and had to let you know Smile

Thank you Leann! Can't wait to hear from you!
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#5
Okay, I'm back. Here are some comments for you to consider.

It's novice so I'll keep this light.

First, consider making your first line your title. Its so much more evocative. It would draw readers in better.

I experimented with shorter lines, but personally wasn't satisfied with them. I could see breaking after cry and create on L2 but it felt artificial.

(02-19-2013, 08:48 AM)Michelle311 Wrote:  TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

My tears are made of chalk
Children wait for me to cry so that they may create rainbows on the driveway
Rain washes them away before the colors have returned to my face--maybe simplify the beginning phrasing "which the rain washes away..."
My skin is made of vegetables--possibly do strophe breaks at each switch of image
My kids will lick my arms and hands but only if I make them--play with the physical image more as you did with the chalk earlier
Meanwhile I give new meaning to the term - vegetative state.
My hair is made of fireflies
Each strand shines brightly in the night with a beer on every split end--the beer part isn't resonating with me in the imagery. It could just be me
In the morning they are captured and pinned amongst fragrance free sheets
My fingernails are indestructible
I baby them like they are my future sons and daughters learning to drive in a Hummer.
When they brake, I cry tears of joy, and they stare at me incredulously.
My chest has moved in with an elephant
He leaves his dirty clothes in the living room and never does the dishes
My chest tried to leave him but there is always such a thin line between love and hate
My stomach is full of ash
I can’t do anything about it. I tried to swallow a fly.
Perhaps I’ll die.
Love the ending A LOT! I'm going to hold off from commenting any more at this point to respect that you posted in novice.

Every time I open a new thread I want to love the poem. It worked this time.

Thank you,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#6
Thanks, Todd for all the info and for taking the time! I really appreciate it. I am new to poetry, so I appreciate all of your criticism.

I should explain that originally the title was the first line of the poem. I opened up an old word doc to start writing the poem. When I finished it and went to save as a different doc, "To Whom It May Concern" was the title of the old doc. I was kind of feeling it, so I went with it instead. I agree that it doesn't connect with the poem. But I wrote the poem as a gift of sorts for someone and I think he would enjoy it.

Thanks also for the info on the breaks. I played around with it a bit and wasn't satisfied. But I think it's definitely something I will end up doing, just haven't quite figured it out yet.

I think the "Hair" part of the poem might be the weakest part. I am working on tweaking this the most. It feels more forced to me than the other sections.

I'm not sure about the "there's always such a thin line between love and hate" will probably mess with this more.

But thank you for everything. Hoping to improve and possibly post an edit.

I am enjoying the site a lot as well, been reading and learning a lot!
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#7
I like the poem very much as it is. Perhaps making each refrain the start of a new stanza would help with just the visual aesthetic. It looks a little clunky but it's a purely visual suggestion, rather than to do with the content of the poem.
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#8
A part of me enjoys the clunkiness of the poem. But thank you for the read and the post! I'm glad you enjoyed it Smile
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#9
(02-19-2013, 08:48 AM)Michelle311 Wrote:  TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: -- The first line/title thing has already been discussed, I'm just going to add my vote in favour of changing it

My tears are made of chalk
Children wait for me to cry so that they may create rainbows on the driveway -- you don't really need "that"
Rain washes them away before the colors have returned to my face -- I would suggest "return" rather than "have returned", it's more active
My skin is made of vegetables
My kids will lick my arms and hands but only if I make them
Meanwhile I give new meaning to the term - vegetative state. -- love these lines!
My hair is made of fireflies
Each strand shines brightly in the night with a beer on every split end -- beer is absolutely the best for split ends -- but this also adds a little sense of relaxation, like your hair is a social occasion
In the morning they are captured and pinned amongst fragrance free sheets
My fingernails are indestructible
I baby them like they are my future sons and daughters learning to drive in a Hummer.
When they brake, I cry tears of joy, and they stare at me incredulously. -- I'm not convinced that "brake" as opposed to "break" works, I'd leave it as a sound pun rather than changing the spelling to make it too obvious
My chest has moved in with an elephant
He leaves his dirty clothes in the living room and never does the dishes
My chest tried to leave him but there is always such a thin line between love and hate -- I might be tempted to break the line after "him"
My stomach is full of ash
I can’t do anything about it. I tried to swallow a fly.
Perhaps I’ll die.
A poem of two distinct moods that really tie together beautifully. It's not a style I'd employ myself but I find that you do it quite well for the most part, and I do love to see something different! I'm very much looking forward to seeing more of your work and ideas around the site.
It could be worse
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#10
Hi Leanne!

Thanks for all of the info. I especially liked the idea of the break at the end of the poem. I love this and hadn't seen it before! I think it works really well.

Thank you for your help! As I mentioned I hope to post an edit. And I will try to contribute to others on the site. I don't usually write poetry very often, so it may be a while before I post something new. It's nice to have this outlet.

I can't thank everyone enough for all of their comments! Smile
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#11
This is brilliant! Excellent imagery and a cool quirky style. I really like this

"My skin is made of vegetables
My kids will lick my arms and hands but only if I make them"

So cool!
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#12
Thank you Smile Those lines are probably my favorite as well.
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#13
Thanks again to everyone for all the feedback. I have been working on an edit which I will post below but I am uncertain about some places. But I'm done looking at it! Haha, need to take a step back so thought I would get some help. Agh! Editing can be so hard Angry

Edit

My Tears are Made of Chalk

My tears are made of chalk
Children wait for me to cry so they may create rainbows on the driveway
Rain washes them away before the colors return to my face

My skin is made of vegetables
My kids will lick my arms and hands but only if I threaten with no dessert
Meanwhile I give new meaning to the term - vegetative state.

My hair is made of fireflies
Each strand shines brightly in the night with a beer on every split end
Dimmed in the morning, they are captured and pinned amongst fragrance free sheets

My fingernails are indestructible
I baby them like they are my future sons and daughters learning to drive in a Hummer.
When they break, I cry tears of joy, and they stare at me incredulously.

My chest moved in with an elephant
He leaves his dirty clothes in the living room and never does the dishes
My chest tried to leave him; but there is always such a thin line between want and need

My stomach is full of ash
I can’t do anything about it. I tried to swallow a fly.
Perhaps I’ll die.



1st Draft

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

My tears are made of chalk
Children wait for me to cry so that they may create rainbows on the driveway
Rain washes them away before the colors have returned to my face
My skin is made of vegetables
My kids will lick my arms and hands but only if I make them
Meanwhile I give new meaning to the term - vegetative state.
My hair is made of fireflies
Each strand shines brightly in the night with a beer on every split end
In the morning they are captured and pinned amongst fragrance free sheets
My fingernails are indestructible
I baby them like they are my future sons and daughters learning to drive in a Hummer.
When they brake, I cry tears of joy, and they stare at me incredulously.
My chest has moved in with an elephant
He leaves his dirty clothes in the living room and never does the dishes
My chest tried to leave him but there is always such a thin line between love and hate
My stomach is full of ash
I can’t do anything about it. I tried to swallow a fly.
Perhaps I’ll die.

(So I'm not sure about the "want and need," I might like it better..? I think I'll know in a few days. Also the "threaten with no dessert" maybe goes a little too far. Decided to leave L3 alone for now. Thanks again for any help.. Big Grin)
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#14
Hi Michelle, let me give you some comments on the edit. Oh, and yes editing is much harder than writing, and it does help to give some time between edits to get the needed perspective.

(02-21-2013, 11:48 AM)Michelle311 Wrote:  Thanks again to everyone for all the feedback. I have been working on an edit which I will post below but I am uncertain about some places. But I'm done looking at it! Haha, need to take a step back so thought I would get some help. Agh! Editing can be so hard Angry

Edit

My Tears are Made of Chalk--This is an improvement. You have the option now to cut the repetition on line one and let the title serve both as title and a first line starting point. Purely an option. It's my preference, but I've seen it done well both ways.

My tears are made of chalk
Children wait for me to cry so they may create rainbows on the driveway
Rain washes them away before the colors return to my face

My skin is made of vegetables
My kids will lick my arms and hands but only if I threaten with no dessert--like this addition a lot. I think you can cut meanwhile on the next line
Meanwhile I give new meaning to the term - vegetative state.

My hair is made of fireflies
Each strand shines brightly in the night with a beer on every split end
Dimmed in the morning, they are captured and pinned amongst fragrance free sheets

My fingernails are indestructible
I baby them like they are my future sons and daughters learning to drive in a Hummer.
When they break, I cry tears of joy, and they stare at me incredulously.--I hadn't noticed the tears of joy before I love this because it's like the nails represent the way we protect our children and then let them go...While a breaking away goes on its a good thing

My chest moved in with an elephant
He leaves his dirty clothes in the living room and never does the dishes
My chest tried to leave him; but there is always such a thin line between want and need--this is better

My stomach is full of ash
I can’t do anything about it. I tried to swallow a fly.
Perhaps I’ll die.
A good edit. It still probably has some places to go, but its moving forward.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#15
Thanks again, Todd! I think I'll take a couple days and come back to this one (if I can get it out of my head..) Tongue

I appreciate all the help!
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#16
I posted a 2nd edit. Comments appreciated as always Big Grin
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#17
Hi Michelle,

It's the little things that matter: pavement, the by after dimmed, and the first line cut.

No nits. I really love it.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#18
wow so good. When i get a sec ill give some more feedback. Smile
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#19
Thanks Todd! And everyone for all the help Smile
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