the mountains of heaven

[heslopian]

there in the mountains of heaven
my stepmother lives
like a bird on a branch
whose torch song is unheard by all creation
save a lovely woman in a blue dress
come to sit and watch the sun

this is the paradise we promise
the beauty at the end
which justifies the poverty
the dead-end jobs
and bad movies

like a bird on a branch like a bird on a branch

like a thousand birds on a thousand branches
each singing their own torch songs
for a thousand lovely women in a thousand blue dresses
come to sit and watch a thousand suns

there in the mountains of heaven

[serge gurkski]

there in the mountains of heaven
my stepmother lives
like a bird on a branch
whose torch song is unheard by all creation
save a lovely woman in a blue dress
come to sit and watch the sun

this is the paradise we promise
the beauty at the end
which justifies the poverty
the dead-end jobs
and bad movies

like a bird on a branch like a bird on a branch

like a thousand birds on a thousand branches
each singing their own torch songs
for a thousand lovely women in a thousand blue dresses
come to sit and watch a thousand suns

there in the mountains of heaven

Lots to like here.
First of all it moved me. The metaphor: mountains of heaven is a killer.
I like the syntactic structure, the way you put your words together, like here:save a lovely woman in a blue dress
come to sit and watch the sun. When I read this poem aloud, it sings back to me and my heart likes what it hears.
Another technique you apply here, I find very impressive: the crescendo
( a bird >>>> thousand birds.) and the repetition.
Other commentators will of course tell you, that your stepmother needs no "my".

Thank you for sharing this with us,

Serge

[heslopian]

Without the "my", though, "stepmother" sounds too formal and upper-class, I think. Not that there's anything wrong with being upper-class Thank you for your very kind feedback, serge

[serge gurkski]

ok. cheers. ,-)

[Bizzy]

Beautiful scene setting - lovely feel - a tender turn of phrase, what more do you need. I am in awe of your variety of voices, can't help thinking of the contrast with the Bedrock Hemingway/Torture and being a small bit jealous!

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind feedback, Bizzy

[brandontoh]

there in the mountains of heaven
my stepmother lives
like a bird on a branch
whose torch song is unheard by all creation
save a lovely woman in a blue dress
come to sit and watch the sun -- My only gripe is with the lack of punctuation. Minor point though, considering that you have really distinct and apt imageries. Powerful too. Immediately I want to read on and see more of this utopia.

this is the paradise we promise
the beauty at the end
which justifies the poverty -- This line in my opinion feels kind of weak. It sort of introduces this technicality into what otherwise is a very beautiful poem. Just a minor rewording will do wonders though.
the dead-end jobs
and bad movies

like a bird on a branch like a bird on a branch

like a thousand birds on a thousand branches
each singing their own torch songs
for a thousand lovely women in a thousand blue dresses
come to sit and watch a thousand suns -- For me, the repetition of 'thousand' doesn't really do much other than tell me about the quantity and vastness of it all. It works, don't get me wrong, but well, I just feel that different word choices will make the poem pop. Of course that doesn't seem like what you're going for. As it stands though, it's excellent. It's just a personal thing.

there in the mountains of heaven

All in all, a really entertaining and enjoyable read! =) Hope my feedback is of help, and well, the negatives are just really personal peeves. Thanks for the read, and hope I'm of help! =)

[heslopian]

Honest feedback is always of help Thank you, brandontoh.