Poetry Forum

there in the mountains of heaven
my stepmother lives
like a bird on a branch
whose torch song is unheard by all creation
save a lovely woman in a blue dress
come to sit and watch the sun

this is the paradise we promise
the beauty at the end
which justifies the poverty
the dead-end jobs
and bad movies

like a bird on a branch like a bird on a branch

like a thousand birds on a thousand branches
each singing their own torch songs
for a thousand lovely women in a thousand blue dresses
come to sit and watch a thousand suns

there in the mountains of heaven

(02-10-2013, 04:08 AM)Heslopian Wrote: [ -> ]there in the mountains of heaven
my stepmother lives
like a bird on a branch
whose torch song is unheard by all creation
save a lovely woman in a blue dress
come to sit and watch the sun

this is the paradise we promise
the beauty at the end
which justifies the poverty
the dead-end jobs
and bad movies

like a bird on a branch like a bird on a branch

like a thousand birds on a thousand branches
each singing their own torch songs
for a thousand lovely women in a thousand blue dresses
come to sit and watch a thousand suns

there in the mountains of heaven

Lots to like here.
First of all it moved me. The metaphor: mountains of heaven is a killer.
I like the syntactic structure, the way you put your words together, like here:save a lovely woman in a blue dress
come to sit and watch the sun. When I read this poem aloud, it sings back to me and my heart likes what it hears.
Another technique you apply here, I find very impressive: the crescendo
( a bird >>>> thousand birds.) and the repetition.
Other commentators will of course tell you, that your stepmother needs no "my". Wink

Thank you for sharing this with us,

Serge

Without the "my", though, "stepmother" sounds too formal and upper-class, I think. Not that there's anything wrong with being upper-class Wink

Thank you for your very kind feedback, serge Smile

ok. cheers. ,-)

Beautiful scene setting - lovely feel - a tender turn of phrase, what more do you need. I am in awe of your variety of voices, can't help thinking of the contrast with the Bedrock Hemingway/Torture and being a small bit jealous!

Thank you for your kind feedback, Bizzy Smile

(02-10-2013, 04:08 AM)Heslopian Wrote: [ -> ]there in the mountains of heaven
my stepmother lives
like a bird on a branch
whose torch song is unheard by all creation
save a lovely woman in a blue dress
come to sit and watch the sun -- My only gripe is with the lack of punctuation. Minor point though, considering that you have really distinct and apt imageries. Powerful too. Immediately I want to read on and see more of this utopia.

this is the paradise we promise
the beauty at the end
which justifies the poverty -- This line in my opinion feels kind of weak. It sort of introduces this technicality into what otherwise is a very beautiful poem. Just a minor rewording will do wonders though.
the dead-end jobs
and bad movies

like a bird on a branch like a bird on a branch

like a thousand birds on a thousand branches
each singing their own torch songs
for a thousand lovely women in a thousand blue dresses
come to sit and watch a thousand suns -- For me, the repetition of 'thousand' doesn't really do much other than tell me about the quantity and vastness of it all. It works, don't get me wrong, but well, I just feel that different word choices will make the poem pop. Of course that doesn't seem like what you're going for. As it stands though, it's excellent. It's just a personal thing.

there in the mountains of heaven

All in all, a really entertaining and enjoyable read! =) Hope my feedback is of help, and well, the negatives are just really personal peeves. Thanks for the read, and hope I'm of help! =)

Honest feedback is always of help Smile

Thank you, brandontoh.

heslopian

serge gurkski

heslopian

serge gurkski

Bizzy

heslopian

brandontoh

heslopian