London Plane

[hamartia]

Hello! I'm really very new to poetry - I write a lot but am used to short stories, and so on - and I'd love it if you could have a look over this and tell me what you think. I wrote it a while ago and found it recently, and I'd like to use it as a starting point. Anyway, here goes. Thanks in advance!

London Plane

My favourite trees will forever be those
that keep their nuts long after their leaves,
post-natal depression forcing their saplings
out of existence and into hanging limbo.
These compact memorials to autumns past
cling to the bowed tips of their branches,
like childhood baubles placed with loving precarity
where only small hands can reach,
or too-heavy earrings punched through papery lobes,
over-ripe and uncomfortable.

Were I to find that form at some point in my time,
I fear I would only do the same -
hold my offspring to my chest with tight-tethered reins
that drag me to the floor with worry
whenever the wind blows too quickly for my liking,
whenever rain threatens our solidity.
I would break my own back to stop them straightening theirs,
the way my mother once did for me -
become my own gravestone, populate my own parish
with unkept promises of life.

[Leanne]

London Plane

My favourite trees will forever be those
that keep their nuts long after their leaves,
post-natal depression forcing their saplings -- lovely personification
out of existence and into hanging limbo.
These compact memorials to autumns past
cling to the bowed tips of their branches,
like childhood baubles placed with loving precarity
where only small hands can reach, -- great image... I have photographs from Christmases past with our tree decorated only on one side and not past halfway
or too-heavy earrings punched through papery lobes, -- "papery lobes" gives me the image of an elderly woman so I don't know that this fits especially well with "memorials to autumns past" as by this stage she's well into her winter!
over-ripe and uncomfortable.

Were I to find that form at some point in my time, -- a very good line for the volta (about-face)... this splits the poem into two distinct parts in an accomplished way
I fear I would only do the same -
hold my offspring to my chest with tight-tethered reins
that drag me to the floor with worry -- "with worry" might be a bit too "telling not showing"
whenever the wind blows too quickly for my liking,
whenever rain threatens our solidity.
I would break my own back to stop them straightening theirs,
the way my mother once did for me -
become my own gravestone, populate my own parish
with unkept promises of life. -- I like that you've used "unkept" instead of the more mundane "broken"... a strong ending

Well, tragically flawed or not, you've got some pretty good turns of phrase under your belt This was a fine read, challenging but not obtuse. Thanks for posting!

[hamartia]

And thanks for reading, and the pointers! I agree about the 'worry', that definitely needs a bit of a fiddle, and I'll do so shortly. 'Papery lobes' was sort of hamfisted attempt at a play on 'punched' earlier in the line, a hole punch type thing, but with hindsight yes, it is rather out of place. Plenty to think about, thank you!

ETA: Oh, also, I ought to ask - on revision, would I post the poem in the forums for stronger critiques, or continue in the novice one? I'm happy to take harsher feedback, perhaps prefer it in fact, but I don't want to be out of step with the way the site works. Certainly not so early on, at any rate!

[abu nuwas]

I cannot help myself from reading the first line as ''My favourite trees be will be forever those''

Those two opening lines are very mellifluous, with a good bit of alliteration. After that, the theme kicks in, and, I feel, the poetry in terms of sounds, rather fades.

In the second stanza, I feel you could consider cutting a bit out: ''at some point in my time'' e.g..Is anything lost by leaving those words out?

But I am a pretty rubbish critic, and think this is well tinkering with to make it better than it already is. Someone else will give a more helpful comment! Welcome!

[hamartia]

Hello! Thanks for reading, and the advice! I see what you mean about the second stanza - I agree that that part is somewhat superfluous, I suppose if I had to justify it I'd say that the aim was to suggest a life in front of her, as opposed to just... I don't know, shape-shifting. Still, the longer I look at it the longer I want to change it, so thank you for pointing it out

[Leanne]

ETA: Oh, also, I ought to ask - on revision, would I post the poem in the forums for stronger critiques, or continue in the novice one? I'm happy to take harsher feedback, perhaps prefer it in fact, but I don't want to be out of step with the way the site works. Certainly not so early on, at any rate!

Have a look around the other forums and get a feel for the level of scrutiny and kind of critiques -- try dropping a few comments of your own around the place as well. This sort of writing wouldn't be out of place in other forums at all -- you won't get in-depth critique in Novice (we don't like scaring away beginners!). When you do post, it's often best to put the revised version in your original post, above the first version, just so readers can see the editing process (which is of benefit to everyone). If you feel comfortable revising and throwing yourself to the wolves (!), just PM one of the mods who can always move this entire thread to the forum of your choice, or you can just revise here if you like.

[hamartia]

Aha, this is all good to know, cheers! Not sure I'm quite ready to be wolf bait yet, but that's very good to know for the future. I'm already enjoying myself in other threads, try my best to get involved. Thanks!

[abu nuwas]

Hello! Thanks for reading, and the advice! I see what you mean about the second stanza - I agree that that part is somewhat superfluous, I suppose if I had to justify it I'd say that the aim was to suggest a life in front of her, as opposed to just... I don't know, shape-shifting. Still, the longer I look at it the longer I want to change it, so thank you for pointing it out

I had not seen Leanne had commented. She is one of the best. You can look upon these comments simply as grist to the mill. If, on consideration, they have some merit, change; if not, nothing lost. It is just our opinions, and we do not even have your accent and lilt to help us. Sometimes, comments seem valid, yet one can never quite identify the exact improvement. Nevertheless, somewhere, they feed into our next effort.

[billy]

i hamartia.
i've been to your poem quite a few times and sadly i don't get it, i desperately want to but it eludes me. that said, i have been called moron on more than one occasion so it could just be me. i giggled at L2 but again i'm a toilet humourist .
i can see that most of the lines are well crafted and so it's hard for me to explain why i can't grasp the intent. my take is it's about the worry of things to come and holding on to the past. i'm sure i'm as far from what you mean as i could be and for that i'm sorry. wish i could have been more constructive but i felt it too well crafted to simply ignore.

no need to explain it less others go oh yeah, i saw that

thanks for the read.

Hello! I'm really very new to poetry - I write a lot but am used to short stories, and so on - and I'd love it if you could have a look over this and tell me what you think. I wrote it a while ago and found it recently, and I'd like to use it as a starting point. Anyway, here goes. Thanks in advance!

London Plane

My favourite trees will forever be those
that keep their nuts long after their leaves,
post-natal depression forcing their saplings
out of existence and into hanging limbo.
These compact memorials to autumns past
cling to the bowed tips of their branches,
like childhood baubles placed with loving precarity
where only small hands can reach,
or too-heavy earrings punched through papery lobes,
over-ripe and uncomfortable.

Were I to find that form at some point in my time,
I fear I would only do the same -
hold my offspring to my chest with tight-tethered reins
that drag me to the floor with worry
whenever the wind blows too quickly for my liking,
whenever rain threatens our solidity.
I would break my own back to stop them straightening theirs,
the way my mother once did for me -
become my own gravestone, populate my own parish
with unkept promises of life.

[hamartia]

Apologies for taking so long to reply, work got in the way a bit - thank you for taking the time to comment, it means a lot that you wanted to. It's always good to be reminded that what is obvious to me is not necessarily what others will find obvious - I think that comes back to what Leanne said about show-don't-tell, it's something I need to keep in mind more. Thank you, again!

[lolo]

Hi Hamartia,
I loved your poem although I confess it took a few reads to understand it fully. I particularly stumbled on lines 3-4. I thought you captured quite well the attitude of mothers who hold on to children beyond the point of healthy. The tree analogy works very well throughout the poem, so I was distracted a bit when you introduced the papery lobes and earring bit to compare them to nuts and baubles. I also didn't understand how the title 'London Plane' tied in with poem.
Beyond that I find the peom damned fine.
Best,

[hamartia]

Thank you for reading, Rob and Lolo! Lolo, the title's the name of the tree I had in mind - the London Plane, Platanus × acerifolia. I'm rather fond of them.


eta: specifically, in winter. They look like this, then:

[Image: http://www.potd2012.co.uk/wp-content/upl...Winter.jpg]