The walk is chalk'd and barren dry

[Bridgehead]

edited

[serge gurkski]

I think I just read poetry!

thank you for the read.

except maybe for the line-starting caps.
Could not do without a nit. ,-)

cheers

the gurk

cheers

---

was a bit tongue in cheek, but i really like this

[Bridgehead]

I think I just read poetry!

thank you for the read.

except maybe for the line-starting caps.
Could not do without a nit. ,-)

cheers

the gurk

cheers

---

was a bit tongue in cheek, but i really like this

Thanks. I don't have any reason for using caps beyond emulating other poems I have read. I'll have to think about why that's the case.

[serge gurkski]

in my case it is plain lazyness. Word capitalizes by its rotten self. ;-)

[hamartia]

Should it be morning's in L4? And the crow, as an image, comes out of nowhere a bit. Which is not to say I don't like it, I'm just not sure I understand why it's -that-, specifically. I agree with the comment about capitalisation, too, but other than that, I found it really compelling!

[Bridgehead]

Should it be morning's in L4? And the crow, as an image, comes out of nowhere a bit. Which is not to say I don't like it, I'm just not sure I understand why it's -that-, specifically. I agree with the comment about capitalisation, too, but other than that, I found it really compelling!

Yea, it's supposed to be morning's instead of mornings. An idea behind the poem was to separate light and dark, or day and night, with the rhyme scheme, culminating with death as the days run out. I think you're right though, the crow is far from ideal. Thanks for the comments.

[billy]

first off, great to see you giving feedback to someone elses poetry.
the meter seems a little off in line 2 (a suggestion would be; a remnant of the fallen snow)and line3 (a suggestion would be; Expire before the mornings cry if you read expire as ex-pi-er then leave that line as is) not too bad but i think you ended too soon, the last tercet sort of left me hanging for more. why the crow, i think it a great opportunity to add another 4 or five more triplets.

The walk is chalk'd and barren dry;

It was all ice not long ago-
The remnants of falling snow
Expire with the mornings cry

Of people gone to work, they try
To sleep all through the moonlit glow
And wake in reign of sun and sky.

In ignorance the days go by,
Until one night they stop and know:
Their days are shadowed by a crow.

(Thanks for spending the time to read and critique)

[serge gurkski]

chalked <-----> crow

Like the nonchalant chiaroscuro. I also get a Meth ref. here, but ---
I ll stick with other deadly poisons.