Where I Lay my Head ( Early Valentine Card)

[tectak]

In this room, I lay with loves I met.
I filed away the images I knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret;
and that one day I’d say goodbye to you.

You lie beside me as the light disclaims
the greyed out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
I see her move across my recalled frames
and taste once more the sweetness of her tears.

Then there was the long and snow-deep night;
another sat upon this bed and cried.
I watched her rise, naked in the light,
dress slowly, leaving with her pride.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;
her name was kept, she never made it known.
We thrashed and threw our passion to dark skies
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.

I damn you for your bodies, ageless, pure!
Why do the recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Goodbye past loves, another day with you.

Tectak
Jan 2013

[serge gurkski]

Not that easy. I will simply boldify the lines I find fine.

In this room, I lay with loves I met.
I filed away the images I knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret;
and that one day I’d say goodbye to you.

You lie beside me as the light disclaims
the greyed out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
I see her move across my recalled frames
and taste once more the sweetness of her tears.

Then there was the long and snow-deep night;
another sat upon this bed and cried.
I watched her rise, naked in the light,
dress slowly, leaving with her pride.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;
her name was kept, she never made it known.
We thrashed and threw our passion to dark skies
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.

I damn you for your bodies, ageless, pure!
Why do the recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Goodbye past loves, another day with you.

Tectak
Jan 2013

not bad at all.

[tectak]

Not that easy. I will simply boldify the lines I find fine.

In this room, I lay with loves I met.
I filed away the images I knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret;
and that one day I’d say goodbye to you.

You lie beside me as the light disclaims
the greyed out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
I see her move across my recalled frames
and taste once more the sweetness of her tears.

Then there was the long and snow-deep night;
another sat upon this bed and cried.
I watched her rise, naked in the light,
dress slowly, leaving with her pride.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;
her name was kept, she never made it known.
We thrashed and threw our passion to dark skies
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.

I damn you for your bodies, ageless, pure!
Why do the recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Goodbye past loves, another day with you.

Tectak
Jan 2013

not bad at all.

Thank you, serge. I am renewed by you pithyness There must be a sting in the tale?

Mods please note: It's getting very cliquey in here!

[serge gurkski]

Not that easy. I will simply boldify the lines I find fine.

In this room, I lay with loves I met.
I filed away the images I knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret;
and that one day I’d say goodbye to you.

You lie beside me as the light disclaims
the greyed out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
I see her move across my recalled frames
and taste once more the sweetness of her tears.

Then there was the long and snow-deep night;
another sat upon this bed and cried.
I watched her rise, naked in the light,
dress slowly, leaving with her pride.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;
her name was kept, she never made it known.
We thrashed and threw our passion to dark skies
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.

I damn you for your bodies, ageless, pure!
Why do the recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Goodbye past loves, another day with you.

Tectak
Jan 2013

not bad at all.

Thank you, serge. I am renewed by you pithyness There must be a sting in the tale?

Mods please note: It's getting very cliquey in here!

I liked the lines I put in bold. Don't panic. ;-) No stings, lol. Relax, please. All will be good. .-)
i am watching The Life of Brian. That might explain my pithiness. ;-)

cheers
Serge

[tectak]

Not that easy. I will simply boldify the lines I find fine.

In this room, I lay with loves I met.
I filed away the images I knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret;
and that one day I’d say goodbye to you.

You lie beside me as the light disclaims
the greyed out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
I see her move across my recalled frames
and taste once more the sweetness of her tears.

Then there was the long and snow-deep night;
another sat upon this bed and cried.
I watched her rise, naked in the light,
dress slowly, leaving with her pride.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;
her name was kept, she never made it known.
We thrashed and threw our passion to dark skies
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.

I damn you for your bodies, ageless, pure!
Why do the recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Goodbye past loves, another day with you.

Tectak
Jan 2013

not bad at all.

Thank you, serge. I am renewed by you pithyness There must be a sting in the tale?

Mods please note: It's getting very cliquey in here!

I liked the lines I put in bold. Don't panic. ;-) No stings, lol. Relax, please. All will be good. .-)
i am watching The Life of Brian. That might explain my pithiness. ;-)

cheers
Serge

Ooops! Did I say pithyness? I meant, of course, pissiness
Best,
Gotcha,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

No, that is unfair. I did not comment on your poem to pay you back. I liked said lines
and indeed candor compels me to admit that most of your comments on my use of English are correct (as far as I can tell) ;-)

have a fine evening

Serge

[tectak]

No, that is unfair. I did not comment on your poem to pay you back. I liked said lines
and indeed candor compels me to admit that most of your comments on my use of English are correct (as far as I can tell) ;-)

have a fine evening

Serge

No worries, serge. English humour is often piss-taking.....I spent some great days with a whole bunch of german friends in Kirkel and Speyer a year back. They enjoyed jokes about turds, shit and toilets most of all. After drinking New Wine, there was much to joke about!
Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

Well, I am very glad you found a whole bunch of drunken German idiots sharing with you your favourite pastime. It is totally okay with me if you feel so inclined to share with them your preference for turds and pee. To each his own.

[tectak]

Well, I am very glad you found a whole bunch of drunken German idiots sharing with you your favourite pastime. It is totally okay with me if you feel so inclined to share with them your preference for turds and pee. To each his own.

Actually, they were all mycologists like me.....only older

[serge gurkski]

;-) I was not aware of the hidden connection between turds and fungi.
But: I once knew a woman (very pretty actually) studying Schleimpilze (myxomycetes or slime moulds) at the university of Magdeburg.
I was appalled slightly. She could have just as much devoted her academic career to find out all that disinterests me about turds. Of course it is rather unlikely you'd find any traces of swarm intelligence in them.
Wine of course helps overcoming nauseation. Lots of wine. Still she was pretty. What a dilemma!

[serge gurkski]

Now I recall what the title of this poem reminded me of:
" ... wherever he laid his head was his home. "

cheers
Serge

[tectak]

Now I recall what the title of this poem reminded me of:
" ... wherever he laid his head was his home. "

cheers
Serge

You got it, serge.
Best,
tectak.
Also "Wherever I hang my hat is home"
" Home is where the heart is"
"There's no place like home"
" Home from Home"
Etc, etc.
You can only get a cliche out in a title, or they will have you for breakfast, here

[serge gurkski]

" Home is where the heart is"

love that song too. wow, common ground.
I 'll run now. ,-)

[Pete Ak]

Hello tectak -
In S1, is it just me or is the part of the 2nd sentence after the semi-colon properly linked to the rest? "...and that" doesn't feel attached to anything. Possibly you filed away images you knew would rise again... AND ?images of saying goodbye? (If so - why "that"?)
S2: Tortuous - but it took some working out! Maybe the phantoms need a more substantial presence
S3 is clearly about "another" girl you had on a night that was "snow deep" (?) The lack of meaning in the phrase is less important than it ultimately not adding anything substantial to the narrative. I like the remainder of the S for the imagery though the tense of the last phrase is inconsistent (but works!)
S4 I'm sure L2 could be improved. (Is is tautologous?
I'm not very keen on L3 either - throwing passion toward the sky feels old hat and 'dark' feels unnecessary.
S5, L2 you can possibly edit out "the" and maybe fiddle with the tense of this and the following line bringing us to the present. Also the S starts angrily but is quickly replaced... is this deliberate? Personally I'd prefer more convincing anger with just a hint of remorse rather than the other way around.
Hope this helps - respect, Pete Ak

[serge gurkski]

(chuckling. cough. so sawry. gone!)

[tectak]

Hello tectak -
In S1, is it just me or is the part of the 2nd sentence after the semi-colon properly linked to the rest? "...and that" doesn't feel attached to anything. Possibly you filed away images you knew would rise again... AND ?images of saying goodbye? (If so - why "that"?)Hi pete. you are right. Drop the semi-colon and the "....and that one day." links to "I knew..) Good catch. It shall be done.
S2: Tortuous - but it took some working out! Maybe the phantoms need a more substantial presence Phantoms are like that....insubstantial.
S3 is clearly about "another" girl you had on a night that was "snow deep" (?) The lack of meaning in the phrase is less important than it ultimately not adding anything substantial to the narrative. I like the remainder of the S for the imagery though the tense of the last phrase is inconsistent (but works!)Hmmmm. I liked snow-deep as a descriptor of a particular night, rather than a particular girl....the girls tend to blend into one, though they are legionI don't know what to do about this as the only defining difference between these half-remembered shags is the circumstances...."Ah yes, I remember it well" as the song goes. That was the idea, anyway.
S4 I'm sure L2 could be improved. (Is is tautologous?No. Tautological
I'm not very keen on L3 either - throwing passion toward the sky feels old hat and 'dark' feels unnecessary.Yes to this. Totally. I am an old romantic. I toss passion to the dark skies at every opportunity....actually, that could mean I am an old tosser. I will look again at this.
S5, L2 you can possibly edit out "the" and maybe fiddle with the tense of this and the following line bringing us to the present. Also the S starts angrily but is quickly replaced... is this deliberate? Personally I'd prefer more convincing anger with just a hint of remorse rather than the other way around.The the will fade away but the intent in the stanza IS cadentic. Yes to the eruptive anger at circumstance....then muted acceptance brought on by intellectualising. It's what stops those of us who have been tempted to have an affair.
Hope this helps - respect, Pete AkIt all helps, pete, believe me. We need more crit of this calibre to make our pips squeek. How are your pips?
Best and many thanks,
tectak

---

In this room, I lay with loves I met.
I filed away the images I knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret,
and that one day I’d say goodbye to you.

You lie beside me as the light disclaims
the greyed-out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
Her shadow moves across my recalled frames;
I almost taste the sweetness of her tears.

Then there was the long and snow-deep night;
another sat upon this bed and cried.
I watched her rise, naked in the light,
dress slowly, leave, with nothing but her pride.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;
her name was kept, she never made it known.
We thrashed and threw our passion to dark skies
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.

I damn you for your bodies: ageless, pure!
Why do such recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Goodbye my loves; another day with you.

Tectak
Jan 2013

[Pete Ak]

Now I recall what the title of this poem reminded me of:
" ... wherever he laid his head was his home. "

cheers
Serge

Hi Serge, just a correction it was Paul Young who sung,' Wherever I l Lay my Hat, that's my home.'

[newsclippings]

In this room, I lay with loves I met.
I filed away the images I knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret;
and that one day I’d say goodbye to you. -- mer. cliche line, but the thought is valid.
You lie beside me as the light disclaims -- I guess this is a cool word but my frilly little mind doesn't like it so much.
the greyed out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
I see her move across my recalled frames
and taste once more the sweetness of her tears. -- meh.
Then there was the long and snow-deep night;
another sat upon this bed and cried.
I watched her rise, naked in the light,
dress slowly, leaving with her pride.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;
her name was kept, she never made it known.
We thrashed and threw our passion to dark skies
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.

I damn you for your bodies, ageless, pure!
Why do the recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Goodbye past loves, another day with you. -- silly ending, you can do better than this. the subject of your poem is stronger than your ending, and this here leaves me disappointed.
Tectak
Jan 2013

While I like this very much the bold lines didn't sit with me very well.

[tectak]

In this room, I lay with loves I met.
I filed away the images I knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret;
and that one day I’d say goodbye to you. -- mer. cliche line, but the thought is valid.
You lie beside me as the light disclaims -- I guess this is a cool word but my frilly little mind doesn't like it so much.
the greyed out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
I see her move across my recalled frames
and taste once more the sweetness of her tears. -- meh.
Then there was the long and snow-deep night;
another sat upon this bed and cried.3
I watched her rise, naked in the light,
dress slowly, leaving with her pride.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;
her name was kept, she never made it known.
We thrashed and threw our passion to dark skies
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.

I damn you for your bodies, ageless, pure!
Why do the recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Goodbye past loves, another day with you. -- silly ending, you can do better than this. the subject of your poem is stronger than your ending, and this here leaves me disappointed.
Tectak
Jan 2013

While I like this very much the bold lines didn't sit with me very well.

Hi heart,
thanks for the serious dissection. I confess that I circumcised the thing in the last verse....,purely for hygenic reasons. It was just getting too sticky. The idea was one love left him, one love he left, one love he never had and one, (would it last?) he was with....so love the one you're with. I guess I cocked up. If it made you uncomfortable, though, you must be a woman....so result, I guess , clutching at straw!
Best,
tectak (must try harder)

[newsclippings]

Who is heart? I'm not uncomfortable at all. I'm an asshole with love.