[Revision] The War Within

[doolasmind#11]

I think i'm shooting for prose here but I'm still not too sure. regardless I want to hear thoughts on the revision its in italics

Strength of a man measured in deeds
Pursuit of paradise based on the creeds
Lords might judge but serfs are the jury
Kings react slow but peasants must hurry

Happiness is lost, Faith goes too
You know not fate, Yet fate knows you
Condemned to life, We serve out the sentence
Most feel guilt, And give due penance

Keep your head down, Lest you scrape the ceiling
Ambition is kept near, What a guarded feeling
Doubt does lurk, Ready to pounce
Hope does float, Ready to bounce

Bold men aspire, They dare great feats
Weak men sit, And reserve the seats
A flower blossoms in the coldest of places
And humility masks the boldest of faces

Life is dear to none and all
The meek can rise, The great can fall[/b]



Strength of a man measured in deeds
Pursuit of paradise based on creeds
Lords might judge but serfs hold jury
Kings react slowly, peasants must hurry

Happiness lost, faith goes too
You know not fate, yet fate knows you
Condemned to life, serve out the sentence
Most feel guilt, and give due penance

Keep your head down or scrape the ceiling
Ambition kept near, what a guarded feeling
Doubt does lurk, ready to pounce
Hope does float, ready to bounce

Bold men aspire to great feats
Weak men sit to reserve the seats
A flower blossoms in the coldest of places
And humility masks the boldest of faces

Life is dear to none and all
The meek can rise, The great can fall

[billy]

where's the original thread ?

[doolasmind#11]

in novice... should i post along with it? i put it on top above the italics, the one in italics is the revision... did i do it wrong?

[Leanne]

You haven't done anything wrong, it's just easier for future commenters if they can see what they might have said last time. You can always put a link in to your previous thread (you can find out how to do that here) or alternatively, you can PM a mod and we'll copy or move the whole thread to another forum.

For now, I'm just going to put a link in to your original poem

[doolasmind#11]

ok sorry bout that and thanks leanne

[billy]

first off, a great edit. it's tighter. it's at that stage where you can play with it, where you can remove the more bland parts and replace them with deeper ideas/images/meaning etc. i have no suggestions for you as to how to go about it though your first line is a pretty common idea. try and make it less so. claim each line as your own ie;

the weight of men a measured deed
while paradise is forged through creed

okay, it still verges on cliché but less so.

your poem is ready to really be creative with. you have good bones to naw on, (so to speak )if you see what i mean. meter; meter usually helps the poem to flow. leanne's the girl to see for that. i'm still a novice at it, but it can help with this type of poem.

Kings reign easy, peasants hurry
or
Kings reign easy, peasants worry

okay i was wrong i did have a suggestion or two

just a few ideas for you to play around with. also kkep your eye on the excess of smaller words

all in all a decent edit.

Strength of a man measured in deeds
Pursuit of paradise based on creeds
Lords might judge but serfs hold jury judge,
Kings react slowly, peasants must hurry

Happiness lost, faith goes too
You know not fate, yet fate knows you
Condemned to life, serve out the sentence is 'the' needed?
Most feel guilt, and give due penance

Keep your head down or scrape the ceiling
Ambition kept near, what a guarded feeling
Doubt does lurk, ready to pounce
Hope does float, ready to bounce

Bold men aspire to great feats
Weak men sit to reserve the seats
A flower blossoms in the coldest of places
And humility masks the boldest of faces

Life is dear to none and all
The meek can rise, The great can fall

[doolasmind#11]

damn that whole post was awesome i will definitely work on it further with another revision coming soon. thanks billy