A Sullen Silent Night

[Wjames]

No mans mind is safe
Nor can women’s hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night.

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer.
Her haunting face that reappears
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.

Your mothers voice inside a gloom
A lovers choice brought naught but doom.
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night.

Storm clouds follow sunny skies
Like pain flows after love has died.
I wallow in her smiling eyes
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.

I’m out of spirit, the bottles broken
I’m tired of regret, and words unspoken.
Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night.

---

1st edit; Thanks for the feedback. I'm only 18 and just started intermittently writing poetry two months ago so I don't expect to be brilliant; nothings really set in stone. I've made some changes here, I don't know if the brutal violence of a punchless fight thing works, but whatever:

---

original

A Sullen Silent Night

No man's mind is safe
Nor can women’s hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night

Storm clouds follow sunny skies
Like blood flows after battle cries
But true pain grows from love that’s died
Through the sullen silence of a lonely night

A mother's voice inside a gloom
A lover's choice brought naught but doom
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the sullen silence of a lonely night

Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night

[rowens]

No mans mind is safe

man's

Nor can woman’s hearts escape

women's

The sullen silence of a lonely night

Storm clouds follow sunny sky’s


skies



Like blood flows after battle cries
But true pain grows from love that’s died
Through the sullen silence of a lonely night

A mothers voice inside a gloom

mother's

A lovers choice brought naught but doom

lover's


A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night

This is starting to sound nice.

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the sullen silence of a lonely night

Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night


Go over it a few more times. And say what if any problems you have with it.

[Wjames]

No mans mind is safe

man's

Nor can woman’s hearts escape

women's

The sullen silence of a lonely night

Storm clouds follow sunny sky’s


skies



Like blood flows after battle cries
But true pain grows from love that’s died
Through the sullen silence of a lonely night

A mothers voice inside a gloom

mother's

A lovers choice brought naught but doom

lover's


A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night

This is starting to sound nice.

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the sullen silence of a lonely night

Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night


Go over it a few more times. And say what if any problems you have with it.

Thanks, it did need a little bit of editing. What did you think of the poem?

[rowens]

I think it could use a little work. But I need to read it a few more times, so I can give you some better opinions. I like



A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night

[tectak]

No man's mind is safe
Nor can women’s hearts escapeNeither/nor, either/or. So: No man's mind is safe,
and a woman's heart cannot escape.
The sullen silence of a lonely night But a good opener. I want to know more

Storm clouds follow sunny skies
Like blood flows after battle cries This metaphor is a little flaky. The two lines equate clouds to blood, then afterwards sunny skies to battle cries. The two "relationships" do not tally. It is a nice idea but it doesn't quite ring true.
But true pain grows from love that’s died
Through the sullen silence of a lonely night You use the conditional "but" , yet fail to provide the condition. This needs a rethink.

A mother's voice inside a gloom "a" gloom is not definitive. Is there more than one "gloom"? No? Then it should be "the" gloom
A lover's choice brought naught but doomCapitalising every line is not required except in GCSE English exams, and probably not even then, but punctuating consistently should be. You have written "A lover's choice brought naught but doom a stoned rejoice". What does this mean?
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night ....but this is wonderfully emotive, clear and empathetic. I would drop the "a" before summer joy.

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beerAgain, the punctuation lack is serious. "....an empty beer her haunting face..." is not worthy. You should be able to see this. As this piece is neither restricted by rhyme nor rhythm it should be easy to correct. I think that just getting clarification of what "an empty beer" is would help.
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the sullen silence of a lonely night

Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night The ending seems to be a relief to you. It is rushed and precipitous. Frankly, I would do away with it. The previous stanza is well qualified as a meritricious end. Sometimes it is a good technique to overshoot then retreat This is worth workshopping. Just a closing comment, though the alliteration may be precious to you, the word "sullen" is anthropomorphic. Could the poem do without it?
Best,
tectak

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Hello Wjames, welcome to the site.

No man's mind is safe I like this opening stanza but would use suggestions made by tectak
Nor can women’s hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night

Storm clouds follow sunny skies I'm ok with this, but not blowen away
Like blood flows after battle cries
But true pain grows from love that’s died This is nice, I like how it rolls into the next line
Through the sullen silence of a lonely night

A mother's voice inside a gloom I'm not sure this line is needed as it trows out the line count and for me adds noting to the piece.
A lover's choice brought naught but doom
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear change to younger years
A drunken ghost, an empty beer I really like the switch here
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the sullen silence of a lonely night

Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night
[/quote]

I love the title and the poem has lots going for it, but it needs work. Good job but. Sorry this is not more indepth will try and leave more later.

[Wjames]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm only 18 and just started intermittently writing poetry two months ago so I don't expect to be brilliant; nothings really set in stone. I've made some changes here, I don't know if the brutal violence of a punchless fight thing works, but whatever:

No mans mind is safe
Nor can women’s hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night.

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer.
Her haunting face that reappears
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.

Your mothers voice inside a gloom
A lovers choice brought naught but doom.
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night.

Storm clouds follow sunny skies
Like pain flows after love has died.
I wallow in her smiling eyes
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.

I’m out of spirit, the bottles broken
I’m tired of regret, and words unspoken.
Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night.

[billy]

hi wj
i came late to the party so i'll just reply to the edit if that's okay

No mans mind is safe man's
Nor can women’s hearts escape a suggestion; No women’s heart escapes
The sullen silence of a lonely night. i like the assonance

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer.
Her haunting face that reappears
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.

Your mothers voice inside a gloom the gloom
A lovers choice brought naught but doom.
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom this line don't hold a lot for me. on reading i have to stop to try and work it out
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night.

Storm clouds follow sunny skies
Like pain flows after love has died.
I wallow in her smiling eyes
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.

I’m out of spirit, the bottles broken bottle's] i like this line, i see depth in it.
I’m tired of regret, and words unspoken.
Dreams fade and drift away feels weak
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night.

---

1st edit; Thanks for the feedback. I'm only 18 and just started intermittently writing poetry two months ago so I don't expect to be brilliant; nothings really set in stone. I've made some changes here, I don't know if the brutal violence of a punchless fight thing works, but whatever:

a decent edit (and only the chosen are brilliant ) i like the two refrains but think you can replace some of the wordier lines with something more substantial.

---

original

A Sullen Silent Night

No man's mind is safe
Nor can women’s hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night

Storm clouds follow sunny skies
Like blood flows after battle cries
But true pain grows from love that’s died
Through the sullen silence of a lonely night

A mother's voice inside a gloom
A lover's choice brought naught but doom
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the sullen silence of a lonely night

Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night

[serge gurkski]

Hi Wjames,
my twopence

No mans mind is safe<<<No man's mind is safe
Nor can women’s hearts escape<<< and no woman's heart escapes
The sullen silence of a lonely night.

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear <<< a shriveled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer.
Her haunting face that reappears
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight. <<< sth is wrong here metrically. Maybe: after a punchless fight at night.

Your mothers voice inside a gloom <<< mother's
A lovers choice brought naught but doom. <<< lover's
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom <<< sounds kinky, but I like it.
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night. <<< I don't get this stanza but it sounds cool, so wtf. ,-)

Storm clouds follow sunny skies <<< cliché. Not sexy
Like pain flows after love has died. <<< I dunno.
I wallow in her smiling eyes
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.

I’m out of spirit, the bottles broken
I’m tired of regret, and words unspoken. <<< broken - unspoken: owed to the rhyme.
Dreams fade and drift away <<< catchy but bordering cliché.
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night. <<< like those last 2 lines.

1st edit; Thanks for the feedback. I'm only 18 and just started intermittently writing poetry two months ago so I don't expect to be brilliant; nothings really set in stone. I've made some changes here, I don't know if the brutal violence of a punchless fight thing works, but whatever:

---

---

original

A Sullen Silent Night

No man's mind is safe
Nor can women’s hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night

Storm clouds follow sunny skies
Like blood flows after battle cries
But true pain grows from love that’s died
Through the sullen silence of a lonely night

A mother's voice inside a gloom
A lover's choice brought naught but doom
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the sullen silence of a lonely night

Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night

Let me add, that I concur with tectak and Billy.
I like this poem , btw. ,-)

[Wjames]

I've edited it once more, the only thing I don't like in it now is the Dreams fade and drift away line, but I can't think of anything else right now. Thanks for all the constructive criticism, it does make it easier to decide how to make changes. Although I like the beginning as is for now, I think it has a good ring to it.


No man's mind is safe
Nor can women's hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night.

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer.
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the brutal violence of a punchless fight.

A lovers choice brought naught but doom,
Your mother’s voice inside the gloom.
My stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night.

Blood flows after battle cries
Like pain grows after love has died.
I wallow in her smiling eyes
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.

Dreams fade and drift away,
A brilliant red that slipped to grey.
I’m out of spirit, the bottle’s broken;
Cracked and bloodied, with words unspoken
As I become a sullen silent night.

PS:

Everytime I edit the poem, should I edit it in the Original Post as well?

[serge gurkski]

you don't have to edit it in your reply box. Just post your revision above the text in the original post and title it: revision or sth like that.
cheers
serge

[Erthona]

"Dreams fade and drift away,
A brilliant red that slipped to grey.
I’m out of spirit, the bottle’s broken;"

As requested, a new line for the dreams line, added some other changes to cut some of the cliches. Not really a suggestion, just some ideas with which to work.

Hopes faded were tossed away
brilliant red that slid to grey
my spirit's out, my bottles broken,
nothing left but just a token
a sullen silent night.

And I agree with Fun guy, you are showing a lot of promise for being only 18.

Dale

[Wjames]

19 now , thanks for the bump. This was my attempt at combining It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding) with something like Elliott Smith or Nick Drake. I'm gonna take a look through some of my older stuff and maybe do a couple of edits.

[Brownlie]

No mans mind is safe
Nor can women’s hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night.

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer.
Her haunting face that reappears
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.

Your mothers voice inside a gloom
A lovers choice brought naught but doom.
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night.

Storm clouds follow sunny skies
Like pain flows after love has died.
I wallow in her smiling eyes
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.

I’m out of spirit, the bottles broken
I’m tired of regret, and words unspoken.
Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night.

---

1st edit; Thanks for the feedback. I'm only 18 and just started intermittently writing poetry two months ago so I don't expect to be brilliant; nothings really set in stone. I've made some changes here, I don't know if the brutal violence of a punchless fight thing works, but whatever:

---

original

A Sullen Silent Night

No man's mind is safe
Nor can women’s hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night

Storm clouds follow sunny skies
Like blood flows after battle cries
But true pain grows from love that’s died
Through the sullen silence of a lonely night

A mother's voice inside a gloom
A lover's choice brought naught but doom
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the sullen silence of a lonely night

Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night

Naught is archaic.