Individual Breakdown

[grippster]

I can't breath

I dwell in side my broken mind.
I hold the pills in my hand.

I want to numb my thoughts.
See the world through a blank stare.

Leave the introspection
that has butchered me.

Drift in synthetic parallels
of interpersonal security.

[Yelleryella123]

I can't breath

I dwell in side my broken mind.
I hold the pills in my hand.

I want to numb my thoughts.
See the world through a blank stare.

Leave the introspection
that has butchered me.

Drift in synthetic parallels
of interpersonal security.

I have felt this in my own way.
If you believe your mind is broken, than it is. Does it have to be a bad thing? I feel like some of the most beautiful things can come out of a perceived 'broken mind'.

A blank stare.. then you'd have no soul.
Contemplate until you are a whole.

[rowens]

I can't breath

breathe


I dwell in side my broken mind.

inside

I hold the pills in my hand.

I want to numb my thoughts.
See the world through a blank stare.

Leave the introspection
that has butchered me.

Drift in synthetic parallels
of interpersonal security.

[brandontoh]

I can't breath -- You forgot a period. Also, try to illustrate not being able to breathe instead of just saying it out. For example, "Gasping for air," or something like that.

I dwell in side my broken mind.
I hold the pills in my hand. -- Too many 'I's. The imagery is not strong enough too. I attribute this to a poor choice of words. For example, "Drowning in thoughts torrent" links back to not being able to breathe and leaves a more powerful impact instead of just dwelling. The second line could be improved by adding more oomph to it. For example, "Pills clenched in my fist."

I want to numb my thoughts.
See the world through a blank stare. -- You're telling again. Illustrate how it feels to numb your thoughts instead of just saying it.

Leave the introspection
that has butchered me. -- Try "that dismembered me". Use words and phrases that can help readers visualise.

Drift in synthetic parallels
of interpersonal security. -- Not sure what to make of this last line, so I'll leave it as it is.

Overall, I feel that this poem has too many lines beginning with 'I'. This is a short poem, and having so many lines starting with that makes it feel too self conscious. The title is 'individual breakdown', so you don't need to constantly put it in first person. Considering the length of the poem though, I think the Mild section is more suitable, but it's your choice. Hope I'm of help, and welcome to the Pig Pen. =)

[Jagger Cyde]

I like what you have, but there seems to be no ending. There is the speaker struggling with whether to take pills (For either euphoric feelings, or to OD. Not sure which), but just that. Only the thought. Did they go through with it or did they put the pills down?

[rowens]

I figured he/she was going to get high and go online or maybe to a party or something.

[Yelleryella123]

Is this about a mental illness you have to medicate?

[rowens]

We have to fill in the blanks. So maybe when the poet gets back, he or she will tell us what they want critiqued.

It's a very simple poem. Not too much to complain about. Maybe it is about mental health medication.

[Yelleryella123]

I'm just curious what it means to them - and if this is their current mental state

who knows if it will be shared.

..I realize this isn't a critique - I will move a long to the other discussion boards

[grippster]

I can't breathe.

Dwelling inside my broken mind.
Hold the pills in my hand.

I want to numb my thoughts.
See the world through a blank stare.

Leave the introspection
that has butchered me.

Drift in synthetic parallels
of interpersonal security.


theres an edit. thanks guys. I have never taken pills, but i often try to imagine. i like cigs. smoking makes my mind feel like one, and its things like smoking than can help me imagine what some pharmitueicals are like.

Im trying to add more but can't get the quality im looking for. i dont what anything particular critiqued, just tell me what you think

[brandontoh]

I can't breathe.

Dwelling inside my broken mind.
Hold the pills in my hand.

I want to numb my thoughts.
See the world through a blank stare.

Leave the introspection
that has butchered me.

Drift in synthetic parallels
of interpersonal security.


theres an edit. thanks guys. I have never taken pills, but i often try to imagine. i like cigs. smoking makes my mind feel like one, and its things like smoking than can help me imagine what some pharmitueicals are like.

Im trying to add more but can't get the quality im looking for. i dont what anything particular critiqued, just tell me what you think

If you don't really want anything critiqued, why post in the serious critique section? It should be moved to either mild or miscellaneous then.

[Jagger Cyde]

I can't breathe.

Dwelling inside my broken mind.
Hold the pills in my hand.

I want to numb my thoughts.
See the world through a blank stare.

Leave the introspection
that has butchered me.

Drift in synthetic parallels
of interpersonal security.


theres an edit. thanks guys. I have never taken pills, but i often try to imagine. i like cigs. smoking makes my mind feel like one, and its things like smoking than can help me imagine what some pharmitueicals are like.

Im trying to add more but can't get the quality im looking for. i dont what anything particular critiqued, just tell me what you think

This is a little off topic but if you are looking for medications for the reasons that you are mentioning then I would recommend marijuana waaaaaaaay before I would recommend pharmaceuticals

[grippster]

oh sorry i meant to say i dont know what i want critiqued. i do want critiques though haha

[brandontoh]

oh sorry i meant to say i dont know what i want critiqued. i do want critiques though haha

Well, I've said my piece already. Personally I think for poems to elicit strong emotions, they need to leave enough room for imagination. So just take what you think works, it's your poem after all.

[grippster]

oh sorry i meant to say i dont know what i want critiqued. i do want critiques though haha

Well, I've said my piece already. Personally I think for poems to elicit strong emotions, they need to leave enough room for imagination. So just take what you think works, it's your poem after all.

Thanks, I think I see what you mean, perhaps i will go into more detail

[rowens]

You can put the revision in the first post, above the original version.

And you don't have to make any changes if you don't agree with them. The point is to think about them, and decide what you want to do.

[Card]

I don't know if this was a problem, but it probably was.

[billy]

Hi grippster.

after a couple of reads it seems okay, but it's a short poem and okay often mean it's weak. you're opening line is part of too many clichés that it's hard to shore up what comes after it. i think you could flesh it out using each couplet as a starting point for a 4 or 6 line stanza. (always best to put any edits in the post you did the original poem in, so they can be compared ) the title more or less works as a guide to the emotional state of the poem, on the whole it is pretty good but it could be a hell of a lot better
thanks for the read.

I can't breath

I dwell in side my broken mind.
I hold the pills in my hand. i'd suggest having just the 1 I and reworking the other two, a suggestion would be; The pills are in my hand

I want to numb my thoughts.
See the world through a blank stare.

Leave the introspection
that has butchered me.

Drift in synthetic parallels
of interpersonal security. i like the closing. it reminds me of being on acid

[tectak]

I can't breathe.

Dwelling inside my broken mind.
Hold the pills in my hand.

I want to numb my thoughts.
See the world through a blank stare.

Leave the introspection
that has butchered me.

Drift in synthetic parallels
of interpersonal security.


theres an edit. thanks guys. I have never taken pills, but i often try to imagine. i like cigs. smoking makes my mind feel like one, and its things like smoking than can help me imagine what some pharmitueicals are like.

Im trying to add more but can't get the quality im looking for. i dont what anything particular critiqued, just tell me what you think

I come late to this and have seen the workshopping suggestions. I am puzzled by your reply following you first edit. You do not want a critique of your piece but you want me to tell you what I think. Well, I have quite strong views on the Palestinian situation and I think I could make some real improvements to the traffic lights in Leeds city centre......oh yes, I think we are being ripped off in the tinned sardine price.....jesus....69p in Tescos.
Come on.....what do you want, eulogies?
This is a piece which is well worn but the critics thus far have pointed out the glaring errors in spelling and grammar. That was kind and restrained and probably all you could ask for. Spelling in serious crit should never be an issue and though I note in your reply that you have a problem with pharmaticuiculies you could have checked the spelling just to show willing.
Anyway, without particularly criticising, this is what I think. All is opinion, so take what you want and ignore the rest.
L2 and L3 are not sentences, particularly.
L4 is, L5 isn't , particularly.
So to get the "quality" you crave, start there.

You need to put more imagery into this, if only because it has been done to death. Try to avoid blatant statements. Get some emotion into it.
You may feel that the sparcity and terseness of your words is indicating the diminished though processes of the character.....and I could believe that until the last four lines when suddenly the whole timbre changes. The character has gone from numb, blank and broken, unable to think clearly, to a pseudo-pedantic wordsmith.
Introspection, synthetic parallels and interpersonal seem like there has been a brain transplant when I wasn't looking. The texture of the piece is inconsistent and THAT may be why you cannot get that illusive ( and possibly illusory) ingredient, quality, in to it.
There is nothing wrong with what you are trying to do; the fact that it has been done before should be a spur in the flank of novelty. Just do it a new way.
By the way, I think you nearly did it.
If you begin:
I can't breathe.

I suffocate inside a broken mind.
The pills are there, cupped in my hand;
my hand?

I want to


numb my thoughts
until I see the world through a blank stare:

leave the introspection
that has butchered me:

drift in synthetic parallels
of interpersonal security.

Your poem. Just a suggestion. Take it or leave it. It is not crit, particularly
Best,
tectak

[svanhoeven]

I have never taken pills, but i often try to imagine. i like cigs. smoking makes my mind feel like one, and its things like smoking than can help me imagine what some pharmitueicals are like.

Are you trying to portray the effects of the drugs themselves, or just the desire to take them? Seems like it starts with the second, then drifts to the first.

If you want to portray the effects, then my opinion is if you've never taken mind-altering pills, I'm not sure you'll be able to get very far with the imagery. If you mean stimulants, like cigarettes, sure. I've never taken mind-altering substances for recreational purposes, but when I was in my mid-twenties I had a near-fatal illness that put me in the hospital for a month. For the first two weeks of it, I was in an induced coma. When they withdrew the drugs keeping me in the coma, for a few days my mind was in a state that I could not have described before experiencing it.

To be brief, I'll give you one example. I could see that I was in the hospital, but since I had retrograde amnesia from the sedative, I couldn't remember why I was there. I knew that I could barely move. I couldn't lift an arm or leg. So using the queer logic that the drugs imparted to me, I concluded that I had somehow gained a thousand extra pounds and had become morbidly obese. You know, one of those shut-ins where they have to knock down a wall and use a forklift and flatbed truck to get them to the hospital. In fact, I had been in a coma for two weeks so all my muscles had atrophied. Many other bizarre, unpredictable thoughts and theories came to me depending on what the nurses were doing, or what was on the TV.

So I guess what I'm saying is maybe you should stick with describing the desire to take the pills. The last stanza doesn't really cut it for me.

Disclaimer: I am in no way suggesting that mind-altering substances be consumed for the benefit of future revisions.