Kamadeva

[zeevs100]

Kamadeva

To escape from passion's prison
I called up the skies above,
I invoked the hindu Kama-
Kamadeva, god of love.

He came to me, a proud son,
A parrot's back he's riding,
A string of coral blooms from sea,
His charming lips, are binding.

A quiver is behind his wings,
He has no bolts, but flowers,
The river Ganga gave him those
To strip away my hours.

A bloom he put to string his bow,
And shot my chest with rapture,
From then I pass the nights alone
In dreams I can't recapture.

He came to me with deadly arrows
To scold my grand delusion
The son from heavens up above
The god of blank illusion.

Inspired by my favourite poet M. Eminescu =)

[rowens]

To escape from passion prison

Maybe "passion's prison"? I don't know.

I called up the skies above,

That kind of works. Calling up the sky.

I invoked the hindu Kama-
Kamadeva, god of love.

He came to me, a proud son,
A parrot's back he's riding,

There are different perceptions of time in Eastern religions. So he came, and he's riding. Well, I'm crude... but it could work.

A string of coral blooms from sea,
His charming lips, are binding.

A quiver is behind his wings,

Drop the "is"?

He has no bolts, but flowers,
The river Ganga gave him those
To strip away my hours.

A bloom he put to string his bow,
And shot my chest with rapture,
From then I pass the nights alone
In dreams I can't recapture.

He came to me with deadly arrows
To scold my grand delusion
The son from heavens up above
The god of blank illusion.

[zeevs100]

To escape from passion prison

Maybe "passion's prison"? I don't know.

I called up the skies above,

That kind of works. Calling up the sky.

I invoked the hindu Kama-
Kamadeva, god of love.

He came to me, a proud son,
A parrot's back he's riding,

There are different perceptions of time in Eastern religions. So he came, and he's riding. Well, I'm crude... but it could work.

A string of coral blooms from sea,
His charming lips, are binding.

A quiver is behind his wings,

Drop the "is"?

He has no bolts, but flowers,
The river Ganga gave him those
To strip away my hours.

A bloom he put to string his bow,
And shot my chest with rapture,
From then I pass the nights alone
In dreams I can't recapture.

He came to me with deadly arrows
To scold my grand delusion
The son from heavens up above
The god of blank illusion.

Thank you for your feedback! I used the gnomic present there and it has a general sense. Kamadeva didn't ride then and now he doesn't. To call = to pray, to invoke, to cry, though I can look for a different word. The ''is'' stands there for rhythm, if I drop it then the stanza will sound awkward. And no, I'm not of Eastern origins :=)

[rowens]

'Call' works. Leave the "is" then, or "With a quiver..."; it sounds a little better your way.

Ok, he came to you, he's there before you riding. Then it's all gone.

[tectak]

Kamadeva

To escape from passion's prison
I called up the skies above,
I invoked the hindu Kama-
Kamadeva, god of love. Kamadeva is an excellent metaphor for the embodiment of love and passion in verse. Considering that, the opening stanza is on firm ground. Though you are writing verse A,B,C,B I am always a little suspicious as to the motives. Why not:

To make escape from passion's prison I called up the skies above,
I invoked the hindu Kama:Kamadeva, god of love.

He came to me, a proud son, By using couplets as above you will see the massive change in rhythm between S1 and S2. See below
A parrot's back he's riding,
A string of coral blooms from sea,
His charming lips, are binding.No comma after "are" but there is no easy way to translate "binding" lips. I know you like Eminescu who, by the way, is to my knowledge not well translated, but that is no reason to emulate said bad translation "ing" words are the viruses of rhym(ing) verse. They tend to spread. Could this stanza be re-written without losing the strength of the concept? Yes...I think it could.

So he came to me, a proud son, on a parrot's back rode he;
adorned in strings of brightest coral, lips tight sealed, came silently

.....or somesuch. It's your poem.



A quiver is behind his wings,
He has no bolts, but flowers,
The river Ganga gave him those
To strip away my hours. Again, the rhythm shifts. If you do not care about this then do not use it erratically, sometimes yes and sometimes no. It is irritating and difficult to follow in your footsteps. See what happens here when you use the couplet trick.

A quiver is behind his wings,He has no bolts, but flowers.
The river Ganga gave him those to strip away my hours.

This is rhythmically strong.....deliberate....but NOT the same as the stanzas previous.

A bloom he put to string his bow,
And shot my chest with rapture,
From then I pass the nights alone
In dreams I can't recapture.

He came to me with deadly arrows
To scold my grand delusion
The son from heavens up above
The god of blank illusion.

Inspired by my favourite poet M. Eminescu =)

I have to say "yes!" to this as it rolls along quite well. I like long lines because it makes greater scope for correction. Eminescu when translated loses a lot, not unnaturally, but I wonder if you are writing this in Roumanian and then translating as it suffers from some idiosycrasies explainable as translation quirks. For no reason other than you did ask, I have copied out YOUR poem in couplets. See what you think.

To make escape from passion's prison, I called up the skies above.
I invoked the hindu Kama:Kamadeva, god of love.
So he came to me, a proud son, on a parrot's back rode he;
adorned in strings of brightest coral, lips tight sealed, came silently.

A quiver is behind his wings,He has no bolts, but flowers.
The river Ganga gave him those,to strip away my hours.
A bloom he put to string his bow and shot my chest with rapture, (to avoid a cry of cliche you are avoiding heart or breast! Try ".....he shot me through with rapture)
From then I pass the nights alone, in dreams I can't recapture.

He came to me with deadly arrows to scold my grand delusion.
The son from heavens up above,the god of blank illusion.

Again, I think this is a very nice piece which is worth tinkering about with...that is all it needs. I admit that I had not recognised the cupidity of Kamadeva but now that I do it is better received.
If you can see the rhythm slips then they are easily corrected. If you cannot then there is no point in correcting!
Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

to refer to Eminescu is brave ;-)

I have not looked too deeply into it, but am sure that the people before me, who thought, that they were able to
reply to this your if-it-is-a poem, made some almost useful remarks.

But you just babble: that Kama is love in Sanskrit and Hindi and Deva is God in Sanskrit and Hindi every 5 year old knows by now.

See: I don't have to and actually refuse to read on
after you expressis verbis invoke the god of love to escape the prison of passion.
This absurd phrase alone tells me: you have no clue.
No? ;-)
---
If you had referred to Ionescu: ok with me. But so. Not impressed. Sorry.

p.s.: "Ca o zi de primavarã,
Câtu-ti tine ziulita
I-as cânta doina, doinita,
I-as cânta-o-ncetisor,
Soptind soapte de amor.
"

that, indeed is Kama. ;-)

[tectak]

to refer to Eminescu is brave ;-)

I have not looked too deeply into it, but am sure that the people before me, who thought, that they were able to
reply to this your if-it-is-a poem, made some almost useful remarks.

But you just babble: that Kama is love in Sanskrit and Hindi and Deva is God in Sanskrit and Hindi every 5 year old knows by now.

See: I don't have to and actually refuse to read on
after you expressis verbis invoke the god of love to escape the prison of passion.
This absurd phrase alone tells me: you have no clue.
No? ;-)
---
If you had referred to Ionescu: ok with me. But so. Not impressed. Sorry.

p.s.: "Ca o zi de primavarã,
Câtu-ti tine ziulita Catu-i tine....
I-as cânta doina, doinita,
I-as cânta-o-ncetisor,
Soptind soapte de amor.
"

that, indeed is Kama. ;-)

[zeevs100]

Thank you all for you feedback! This is very useful indeed.
The thing I did with this poem is that I tried to translate it. It's the first time I have done it. But I have to explain something:
1. I tried to maintain the original rhythm. Eminescu frequently shifted it making harmonious liaisons between one stanza and another.
2. I tried to respect the original form of the poem. The idea to make longer verses is very nice but does not go with the original. Eminescu wrote in very short verses.
3. The abstract meaning... well... that's something to work on, but even in original, Eminescu is something very different from the rest Romanian poetry. It's like Shakespeare for us.
4. I kept the rhyme scheme as in the original.
5. The gerunds in the second stanza are also from original.

Thanks, tectak for your version! I will try to use it to correct my mistakes!

Serge gurski, wow, do you speak Romanian? Is it your native language or you learned it?
Yes, I know referring to Eminescu is something brave indeed, but I do not try do overdo him, this poem is more about my love of his poetry.
You say that the first stanza is contradictory, why to call the god of love to escape from love? Well, if Kamadeva brings the gift of love, why can't he take it away?
Why can't I refer to Eminescu? Is it something forbidden? Why should my idol be someone but Eminescu?
I tell you that, if you REALLY care about his poetry, finish reading my translation. It has its flaws, it doesn't even stand near the genius of Eminescu, but it's still a poem that I love. This poem is his, but I've put the effort to translate it.

[serge gurkski]

Well, if Kamadeva brings the gift of love, why can't he take it away?

The Hindu concept does not fit this. The myth goes like this: kama appears when lovers love (and only when they do). When the lovers are done, kama has burned to ashes. It is not him to invoke love, but instead lovers making love (being in love) do invoke this god. If Mihai knew that he would not have written these lines. I assume you know Mircea Eliade? ,-)

I am not criticizing your style but the logic of this poem (didn't even go there, please re-read ,-) ) If your poem is a translation,you should say so right from the start. Agreed?

cheers
Serge

[zeevs100]

Well, if Kamadeva brings the gift of love, why can't he take it away?

The Hindu concept does not fit this. The myth goes like this: kama appears when lovers love (and only when they do). When the lovers are done, kama has burned to ashes. It is not him to invoke love, but instead lovers making love (being in love) do invoke this god. If Mihai knew that he would not have written these lines. I assume you know Mircea Eliade? ,-)

I am not criticizing your style but the logic of this poem (didn't even go there, please re-read ,-) ) If your poem is a translation,you should say so right from the start. Agreed?

cheers
Serge

hahaha ok, no problem! For me poetry is more of a liquid, it goes wherever it wants gets through every tiny hole. Being inaccurate doesn't mean not knowing

[serge gurkski]

Ok. But it neither proves the opposite. ,-)

---

your effort is fine.