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Threads: 31
Joined: Jan 2013
I just wrote this today. Hope it's actually decent. Once again, thanks for reading my poem. 
White Then Black
On checkered field,
Two armies stand.
Of fierce warriors,
Of gentlemen.
No bloodshed,
But destruction wrought.
As order breaks,
And equality falls.
Stand firm, behind your kingdom.
Dapper man, on dapper man,
The clock’s ticking, so
Brandish your blades!
Swiftly, with habitual gestures,
Both armies advance.
Field cold, as dapper men
Poke for chinks.
One, sent out a spy;
Lowly soldier, with worldly load.
Hopes for the other
To not notice.
One, sent out a scout;
Knight on horse, sturdy and fast.
Maybe there’s
A point of entry.
Espionage success!
Wave of hand,
Pushing soldier forward,
Confidence overflowing.
A castle WILL fall.
Ground shoots, from
Frosty to
White hot.
A siege at hand.
Trembling hand, clenches
Into fist, desperate.
No resource,
No counter in sight.
Invasion incoming,
Gaping hole in armour;
The king falls, devastated.
No point struggling.
Dapper man, on dapper man;
One head high, the other down.
Acute battle, of minds with brawns,
Settled in thirty minutes.
On checkered field,
Two armies stand.
Of fierce warriors,
Of gentlemen.
Once again.
Back!
Chess again? I'll try to get back to this one in a few minutes or hours. The weather outside is putting me in difficult moods for reasons no one wants to hear.
I'll try to get my head straight and read this properly, and leave some sensible comments. It doesn't seem bad. I have a few ideas about it working up.
White Then Black
On checkered field,
Two armies stand.
Of fierce warriors,
Of gentlemen.
I like that all right.
No bloodshed,
But destruction wrought.
As order breaks,
And equality falls.
You got the sounds working for you in "equality falls", but I keep reading 'fails'. But that's just me.
Stand firm, behind your kingdom.
Dapper man, on dapper man,
The clock’s ticking, so
Brandish your blades!
The repeating is nice.
Swiftly, with habitual gestures,
Both armies advance.
Field cold, as dapper men
Poke for chinks.
There's a war against adverbs with some people in this world. I usually don't have a problem with them.
One, sent out a spy;
Lowly soldier, with worldly load.
Hopes for the other
To not notice.
The above stanza could be looked at more closely. The first line and the last. The comma in the first. And the wording of the last: but I can't think well enough right now to say that it should be changed.
One, sent out a scout;
Knight on horse, sturdy and fast.
Maybe there’s
A point of entry.
Espionage success!
Wave of hand,
Pushing soldier forward,
Confidence overflowing.
A castle WILL fall.
Ground shoots, from
Frosty to
White hot.
A siege at hand.
Trembling hand, clenches
Into fist, desperate.
No resource,
No counter in sight.
Invasion incoming,
Gaping hole in armour;
The king falls, devastated.
No point struggling.
Dapper man, on dapper man;
One head high, the other down.
Acute battle, of minds with brawns,
Settled in thirty minutes.
On checkered field,
Two armies stand.
Of fierce warriors,
Of gentlemen.
Once again.
I like the rest of it. But I might come back to it and say more. I do like the hurried, cold feel of the action.
Posts: 61
Threads: 6
Joined: Jan 2013
Quote:White Then Black
On checkered field,
Two armies stand.
^-- Maybe end this line with a semicolon instead of a period so the next two lines aren't orphaned prepositional phrases.
Of fierce warriors,
Of gentlemen.
No bloodshed,
But destruction wrought. <-- I think you can remove this period entirely.
As order breaks,
And equality falls.
Stand firm, behind your kingdom.
Dapper man, on dapper man,
The clock’s ticking, so
Brandish your blades!
Swiftly, with habitual gestures,
Both armies advance.
Field cold, as dapper men <-- Abbreviated a little too much, maybe "Field's cold, as dapper men"
Poke for chinks.
One, sent out a spy; <-- Per rowans, I think you should drop the comma.
Lowly soldier, with worldly load.
Hopes for the other
To not notice. <-- Instead of a choppy negation, maybe use "To overlook" or something similar?
One, sent out a scout; <-- Again, drop the comma.
Knight on horse, sturdy and fast. <-- A less awkward alternative to "Knight on horse" with the same rhythm would be "Mounted knight".
Maybe there’s
A point of entry.
^-- A suggestion on the previous two stanzas: instead of "One sent" and "One sent", you could make the image more concrete by using the actual colors in your title, i.e. "White sent" and "Black sent" (assuming you're trying to picture opposing moves).
Espionage success!
Wave of hand,
Pushing soldier forward,
Confidence overflowing.
A castle WILL fall.
^-- This is my favorite stanza, because I get a clear image of a piece's movement. I think it would be more dramatic if it said "A castle falls.", if you mean the rook is actually taken. Maybe you mean the rook is forked or something by saying it WILL fall. I'm not sure.
Ground shoots, from <-- Do you maybe mean "Ground shifts"? I think you can drop the comma.
Frosty to
White hot.
A siege at hand.
Trembling hand, clenches <-- I think you can drop the comma.
Into fist, desperate.
No resource,
No counter in sight.
Invasion incoming,
Gaping hole in armour;
The king falls, devastated.
No point struggling.
Dapper man, on dapper man;
One head high, the other down.
Acute battle, of minds with brawns,
Settled in thirty minutes.
On checkered field,
Two armies stand.
^-- Same comment as the first stanza, re: orphaned prepositional phrases.
Of fierce warriors,
Of gentlemen.
Once again.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(01-17-2013, 11:27 PM)brandontoh Wrote: I just wrote this today. Hope it's actually decent. Once again, thanks for reading my poem.
White Then Black
On checkered field,2
Two armies stand.
Of fierce warriors,
Of gentlemen.
No bloodshed,
But destruction wrought.
As order breaks,
And equality falls.
Stand firm, behind your kingdom.
Dapper man, on dapper man,
The clock’s ticking, so
Brandish your blades!
Swiftly, with habitual gestures,
Both armies advance.
Field cold, as dapper men
Poke for chinks.
One, sent out a spy;
Lowly soldier, with worldly load.
Hopes for the other
To not notice.
One, sent out a scout;
Knight on horse, sturdy and fast.
Maybe there’s
A point of entry.
Espionage success!
Wave of hand,
Pushing soldier forward,
Confidence overflowing.
A castle WILL fall.
Ground shoots, from
Frosty to
White hot.
A siege at hand.
Trembling hand, clenches
Into fist, desperate.
No resource,
No counter in sight.
Invasion incoming,
Gaping hole in armour;
The king falls, devastated.
No point struggling.
Dapper man, on dapper man;
One head high, the other down.
Acute battle, of minds with brawns,
Settled in thirty minutes.
On checkered field,
Two armies stand.
Of fierce warriors,
Of gentlemen.
Once again. No line by line on this one. It is a chesstnut, over-roasted I'm afraid. To succeed poetically with this sort of subject you need to raise the game far more than this. It is poorly structured, has no game-plan, and no poetic reason to exist. The metaphor is purile and unconvincing in its intent.....this is a game of chess, why make it anything other than that? And if that is all it is, why make anything of it at all?
There are also many weak areas of semantic note...too many to mention whilst remaining polite, though " Minds with brawns" is a worth a mention.
No. Another day, another subject. This one is not for me......I may even give up chess on the strength of this.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 212
Threads: 31
Joined: Jan 2013
Darn. Chess seems to be the one thing I can't write about at all. >< Ah well, I'll slowly improve. Thanks for the feedback everyone.
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Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
Brandon, I've seen some people do chess games as poems (move by move).
Title
d7-d5
poem
You seem to be inspired by chess. Maybe do a series of poems on The Sicilian Defense or something and make some association with each move and see where that takes you. You could play both sides or choose a color and see if someone will play you.
Just thoughts
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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(01-18-2013, 08:05 AM)Todd Wrote: Brandon, I've seen some people do chess games as poems (move by move).
Title
d7-d5
poem
You seem to be inspired by chess. Maybe do a series of poems on The Sicilian Defense or something and make some association with each move and see where that takes you. You could play both sides or choose a color and see if someone will play you.
Just thoughts
That's a great idea! =O It never occurred to me that I can approach the whole thing that way. Thanks Todd. =)
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Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Or just to see more possibilities, you could check out part II of Eliot's The Waste Land
It could be worse
Posts: 2,357
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
Brandon you've got to be better at chess than me, but I'll play a poetry chess game with you any time you like. PM if you want to. It's a lot of poems so it may take awhile...probably do it in miscellaneous poetry with the rule don't try to be good just write.
Seriously though check out The Waste Land that was good advice.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 212
Threads: 31
Joined: Jan 2013
Alright. =) I did check it out, and it's a wonderful poem. I truly got immersed in it and felt the emotions within it. Unfortunately it's not what I'm aiming for with chess as the topic, but it's an eye-opener. =)
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