Haunted by Jellyfish

[monablackbird]

EDIT 1.17.13

Haunted by jellyfish
Slick clogs in the drain
Born of spilling saltwater
And hard raging pain

Pink stings went unnamed
Mistaken for sane
Save for Harmless and Natural
And Redheaded Jane

Tentacles linger
Still writhing too near
Ghosts faded from mind
Rattle chains around here

We pretend that they’re dead
Those specters of fear
Just a pair of size twelves
Can squash them, my dear


EDIT 1.16.13 #2

Haunted by jellyfish
Slick clogs in the drain
Made of spilling saltwater
And hard raging pain

Pink stings went unnamed
Mistaken for sane
Save for Harmless and Natural
And Redheaded Jane

Long tentacles linger
Still writhing too near
Ghosts faded in memory
Rattle chains around here

We pretend they’re all dead
Those specters of fear
Just a pair of size twelves
Can squash them, my dear


EDIT 1.16.13

Haunted by jellyfish
Slick clogs in the drain
Made of spilling saltwater
And hard raging pain

Itchy stings went unnamed
Mistaken for sane
Save for Harmless and Natural
And Redheaded Jane

Long tentacles linger
Still writhing too near
Ghosts faded, thought forgotten
Rattle chains ‘round here

We pretend they’re all dead
Those specters of fear
Only a pair of size twelves
Can squash them, my dear

---
ORIGINAL 1.15.13

Haunted by jellyfish
Clogs in the drain
Made of spilling saltwater
And hard raging pain

Stings went unnamed
Mistaken for sane
Save for Harmless and Natural
And Redheaded Jane

Long tentacles linger
Still writhing too near
Ghosts thought forgotten
Rattle chains ‘round here

We pretend they’re all dead
Those specters of fear
But only size twelves
Can squash them, my dear

- - -
Been working on this one a few days now and have now hit a block with it. I keep trying to punch it up with some of the one-liners and imagery I'm so fond of but it keeps telling me it needs to be more simple - more direct. It's odd for me to do rhyme and I'm not sure why I chose it here. I'm already thinking of how to rewrite this without it. Also, I feel like this last stanza needs some work and I'm not sure what to do with it. I want to get the same sentiment across but am definitely open to editing those lines. Oh, and I'd also rather just call this "Haunted by Jellyfish" but how does that work when it's also the first line? Thanks all in advance. I do so love this place.

[Todd]

Hi Mona, I'm not saying I have a full handle on the meaning yet, but I do like this catchy poem. The rhyme and meter feel right to me (save one small spot that I'll point out). Here are some comments for you:

Haunted by jellyfish
Clogs in the drain
Made of spilling saltwater--to my ear spilled or spilt (depending I guess on what side of the pond you're from) would sound and flow better
And hard raging pain

Stings went unnamed
Mistaken for sane
Save for Harmless and Natural
And Redheaded Jane--this all comes across as quirky and interesting. Also the idea of stings unmentioned and mistaken for a rational response to pain is interesting. It says dysfunctional family to me, and the coping mechanisms we build to keep it together. It may be an incorrect interpretation but it does present an interesting interpretation for the extended metaphor of the Jellyfish

Long tentacles linger
Still writhing too near
Ghosts thought forgotten
Rattle chains ‘round here--this makes me think of regrets also. I wonder if your current title is pointing us to the effect of aging and reflection upon a broken down body and regrets. Just thinking out loud

We pretend they’re all dead
Those specters of fear
But only size twelves
Can squash them, my dear--nice bit of humor. Now I'm thinking of the fears of childhood that we eventually abandon but there may be some truth to it all.

- - -
Been working on this one a few days now and have now hit a block with it. I keep trying to punch it up with some of the one-liners and imagery I'm so fond of but it keeps telling me it needs to be more simple - more direct. It's odd for me to do rhyme and I'm not sure why I chose it here. I'm already thinking of how to rewrite this without it. Also, I feel like this last stanza needs some work and I'm not sure what to do with it. I want to get the same sentiment across but am definitely open to editing those lines. Oh, and I'd also rather just call this "Haunted by Jellyfish" but how does that work when it's also the first line? Thanks all in advance. I do so love this place.

I can see I'm all over the board with my thoughts here. I hope that stream of consciousness thing is helpful. I don't have any big nits on the execution or the rhyme. I'm mostly just bouncing around the content.

Best,

Todd

[monablackbird]

Hi Todd! Thanks so much for your comments.

I think if I told you the inspiration/meaning behind this it would take all the fun out of it. You're spot on in some ways though there are some undertones that I thought would be more obvious but I'm glad are not. I did toy around with spilled and spilt in the first draft and settled on spilling because it rolled better on my tongue. I'll keep poking at that bit some more before I put this one to bed. (I'm from the States, btw but have spent too much time in Europe and watching UK tv not to try spilt. lol)

The title was one I thought of because it had the ennui of romanticism and yet was also relevant to jellyfish themselves. If you're ever able to be on the Atlantic coast in September/Early Autumn there are jellyfish all over the place. At least there were when I was a child. Not sure if the environment is the same these days.

Again, thank you. I was uncertain about the rhyme and I feel much better about it now. I also especially loved hearing your interpretations. Stream of consciousness is my favorite.

[billy]

a bad memory poem, probably of an old flame or many. either that of it's about jelly fish call it haunted by jellyfish and leave the first line off the poem, it will be read as the 1st line. in the last verse i'd go with a vinigar theme, that's the thing that kills jellyfish stings. the meter is a little off in places, try and make it constant check here the rhymes okay.

Haunted by jellyfish
Clogs in the drain
Made of spilling saltwater
And hard raging pain

Stings went unnamed
Mistaken for sane
Save for Harmless and Natural
And Redheaded Jane

Long tentacles linger
Still writhing too near
Ghosts thought forgotten
Rattle chains ‘round here use around and it'll give yer the extra foot on the meter.

We pretend they’re all dead
Those specters of fear
But only size twelves
Can squash them, my dear

- - -
Been working on this one a few days now and have now hit a block with it. I keep trying to punch it up with some of the one-liners and imagery I'm so fond of but it keeps telling me it needs to be more simple - more direct. It's odd for me to do rhyme and I'm not sure why I chose it here. I'm already thinking of how to rewrite this without it. Also, I feel like this last stanza needs some work and I'm not sure what to do with it. I want to get the same sentiment across but am definitely open to editing those lines. Oh, and I'd also rather just call this "Haunted by Jellyfish" but how does that work when it's also the first line? Thanks all in advance. I do so love this place.

[monablackbird]

Thanks Billy! You're sort of on the right track as to the meaning but there's still something in there I thought the males would spot that hasn't been mentioned.

Made a bit of an edit for meter which works out to a rhythm of 5/6/7/5 for each stanza. Definitely seems to have more of a flow. I think. What do you guys think?

Thanks again!
Mona

[Todd]

metaphor for sex mona?

[monablackbird]

LOL. Not exactly, but closer. Though it makes me smile that something that might be specific to male knowledge should be about sex. :o Honestly, the reason it's probably not obvious is because I have a largely different view of the subject matter than most people. You'd probably think I was a big weirdo if I told the whole story. Which isn't true. I'm a dainty, little weirdo.

[Todd]

Well tentacles and sting and salt water may lead toward that. It's a little manga for my tastes, but from your comment on males I thought great it's either about sports or sex .

The other thing I thought was squishing a spider.

That said, different takes on content and weird slants on subject matter make poetry interesting.

[monablackbird]

Okay, I almost spit coffee all over my keyboard. The tentacle thing is not intended to be Manga at all. lol. But now I have that image in my head.

[Todd]

You are most welcome.

[monablackbird]

Little update to this as I'm learning more about meter. How is it I always thought the syllables were the most important part? I was into Shakespeare and everything. lol. What I've figured out is that its seems to come kind of natural and over thinking it might be disaster. Anyway, the latest update has been added to the original post. Thanks to everyone for helping me along with this one and I look forward to any more comments.

Best,
Mona

[billy]

obviously the saltwater is tears.

did you get pregnant .

[monablackbird]

LOL Nope, not tears. And I've been pregnant twice - both happy occasions that have nothing to do with this poem. Nice try though.

[Leanne]

Oh, I know, it was a bad hair cut and dye job

Haunted by jellyfish -- great opening line, full of imagery and promise
Slick clogs in the drain
Made of spilling saltwater -- maybe "born of" instead of "made of"?
And hard raging pain -- hard and raging are both fairly bland adjectives, I'd love to see something more specific here

Pink stings went unnamed
Mistaken for sane
Save for Harmless and Natural
And Redheaded Jane -- this is a terrific stanza

Long tentacles linger -- I think you can do away with "long", it's unaccented anyway and doesn't add much to the image
Still writhing too near
Ghosts faded in memory
Rattle chains around here -- to make these two lines work with your meter, you really need to replace "memory" with a single syllable, strongly accented word.

We pretend they’re all dead -- you could try "we pretend that they're dead"
Those specters of fear
Just a pair of size twelves
Can squash them, my dear -- excellent close

[monablackbird]

Oh, I know, it was a bad hair cut and dye job

LOL

Leanne, your comments were super helpful and I think I've polished this one up a bit more now. Latest edit is in the original post. Thanks very much!

[Todd]

Since we're all over the place with interpretation: Is it a period?

[monablackbird]

No but I can see where that idea might come from. I'm so tempted to tell. Then again, the mystery might serve the poem better. And I'd have to explain my whole outlook on some things which would probably be confusing and certainly bore the crap out of all of you.

[Todd]

No, don't let us in on it. The poem works without knowing. Later I'll go through it in detail and see what I come up with. Mystery is good.

[brandontoh]

I think it may be about hair loss, and the fear of aging. Or maybe it can simply be about bugs. Yeah, not knowing makes it fun. =)

[monablackbird]

Okay, I'll leave you hangin'. As a hint, the meaning/subject can only really come across from the first half of the poem. The rest of it just talks about dealing with the subject instead of pointing to it.