Two birds

[Loveblind]

I wanted to try something new. I want your opinions on what you thought of the poem, your first thoughts and etc.. thanks


Two birds sat in a nest
together
Side by side
Arm and arm
Everyday
Strong connection

nothing but self pride
and immaturity would break
them apart

slowly but surely they distanced
two birds whom were best friends
same birds, just in different bodies

one day one bird stopped living in
reality
she stopped flying
stopped caring

the other bird problems
tossed out the
nest
left out
and
betrayed

months and months
the bird sat only
confused
but
hurt

she wandered what
went wrong how could
you be unbreakable to
not being able to look
one another in the eye

but on a lonely cold day
she found a new bird to sit with her
in the nest

now the other bird
just wishes that
she didn’t take the
other bird
for granted or hurt her

because now I
am the bird who is hurt

[billy]

will give a reply after i do the work trip LB.

[addy]

Good on you for trying something new. Since this is your first time experimenting, it's really not gonna be perfect. I thought using birds as a metaphor was sweet, but I don't think you did enough in the poem to justify it. Aside from using "nest" to mean home or some kind of emotional shelter, the use of bird seemed random (it could have been any animal/plant/thing/person and the reader wouldn't be able to tell the difference). My advice is if you're going to use metaphor, use it purposefully.

Two birds sat in a nest
together
Side by side
Arm and arm "wing by wing", maybe?
Everyday
Strong connection

nothing but self pride
and immaturity would break
them apart This verse, I would say you should show, not tell. It's usually better to describe the image or act, and give the reader space to interpret for themselves the emotion or intent behind it.

slowly but surely they distanced
two birds whom were best friends
same birds, just in different bodies

one day one bird stopped living in
reality
she stopped flying
stopped caring How did this come about? Again show, don't just tell

the other bird problems
tossed out the
nest
left out
and
betrayed

months and months
the bird sat should there be "not" here?only
confused
but
hurt

she wandered "wondered"? what
went wrong how could
you be unbreakable to got confused in this line. Maybe you meant another word?
not being able to look
one another in the eye

but on a lonely cold day
she found a new bird to sit with her
in the nest

now the other bird
just wishes that
she didn’t take the
other bird
for granted or hurt her

because now I
am the bird who is hurt

a lot can still be done to improve the rhythm of this piece (You start with one at the beginning, but begin to lose it along the way). But like I said, it's always nice to see when someone tries something new and spreads their wings (pun intended)

Thanks for this one LB

[billy]

I wanted to try something new. I want your opinions on what you thought of the poem, your first thoughts and etc.. thanks


Two birds sat in a nest
together
Side by side
Arm and arm
Everyday
Strong connection

nothing but self pride
and immaturity would break
them apart

slowly but surely they distanced
two birds whom were best friends
same birds, just in different bodies

one day one bird stopped living in
reality
she stopped flying
stopped caring

the other bird problems
tossed out the
nest
left out
and
betrayed

months and months
the bird sat only
confused
but
hurt

she wandered what
went wrong how could
you be unbreakable to
not being able to look
one another in the eye

but on a lonely cold day
she found a new bird to sit with her
in the nest

now the other bird
just wishes that
she didn’t take the
other bird
for granted or hurt her

because now I
am the bird who is hurt

first off, good for you in trying something new LB.

for me its way to long. it needs a good cutting back.
at points it gets a little confusing, a shortening would make
it less telly and rambling.

while i like the metaphor of the birds i think it get carried a bit to much.
i see the use of the word bird/birds 9 times. it takes away from the the metaphor's strength.

try and use a metaphor of birds in the 1st verse to set the poem up.
and one more bird related metaphor in each following verse or alternate verse.

if the later then you'd need 5 metaphors.

so you have birds in the 1st.

four more could be;
fledglings
cracked eggs
empty nest
wingless
flightless


okay these aren't great i know but have a theme in your poem (which you do have i admit) but make it a changing theme on a subject (in this case the subject would be birds)

thanks for the read as usual LB.