Nightmare (My first poem)

[MadSnapz]

This is no dream, more like a nightmare.
Kicking and Thrashing, tangles my hair,
The memories flood, wishes fall through,
And the spinning leaves me confused.
A silent scream wakes me to the dark endless night
“it’s just a dream.” My whisper hanging in the air
‘No’ I think, more like a nightmare.

Pull my knees to my chest, fill my heart with regrets,
That the dream has re-surfaced again.
I slowly uncurl, and my feet hit the floor, as I step off my small tower of safety.
One stride at a time, I take the stairs down
When the little girl reminds me of fears
Of spiders and darkness and falls off the tree, and most of all being alone.

Step after step, creak before creak,
The tears are flooding a river.
Dripping and dropping, leaving a trail, like memories I shook long ago.
I sit on the floor, just one footfall to the gate,
The portal that hides the unknown.

Hold my head in my hands, wipe away tears, and think about those that I love.
A weak laugh escapes as I think of how silly I’ve been.
“It’s just a dream.” I say again, but pray to the Heavens it’s true.
I sit on the floor, the tears slowly pouring, then I realize it’s five minutes till two!
I get up off the ground, and set off with a frown, back to my tower of safety.

Who would have guessed the only my room would be the true doom, waking me up once again.
The last step in front, but missing the edge, I fall into darkness once more.
I wake with a fright, to a startling sight,
I had never left my small room!

This is no dream, more like a nightmare.
Kicking and Thrashing, tangles my hair,
The memories flood, wishes fall through,
And the spinning leaves me confused.
A silent scream wakes me to the dark endless night
“it’s just a dream.” My whisper hanging in the air
‘No’ I think, more like a nightmare.




This was my first poem, I am 13 btw and I know this is not the best poem ever. I would love some serious help on poetry though, I really enjoy it. Thanks, Maddie.

[billy]

This was my first poem, I am 13 btw and I know this is not the best poem ever. I would love some serious help on poetry though, I really enjoy it. Thanks, Maddie.

see you jumped in at the deep end , here goes. ( don't take anything personally )

first off i think it's a great effort. I think it's best if i put how i think a line should be is done in bold, so you can see where i think words should be added or left out.

1st verse;

This is no dream, more a nightmare.
Kicking and Thrashing tangles my hair
Memories flood, wishes fall
the spinning leaves me confused.
A silent scream wakes me
to the dark endless night
“it’s just a dream.” My whisper
hanging in the air
‘No’ I think
more like a nightmare.......nightmare has already been used once?

for me it needs the enjambment sorting out, as does the rest of the poem.
if you look closely nothing has really been altered. a couple of commas, and a couple of unnecessary small words taken out. (as always it's jmo)

2nd verse:

Pull knees to chest.
My heart fills with regret
that the dream has re-surfaced.
I slowly uncurl, my feet hit the floor
as I step off my small tower of safety.
One stride at a time, I take the stairs down.
When the little girl reminds me of fears
Of spiders and darkness and falls off the tree
most of all being alone.

for me it needs little of an edit.
i love the last two lines.
all in all this is my favorite verse.

3rd verse;

Step after step
creak before creak,
The tears are flooding a river.
Dripping and dropping, leaving a trail
like memories I shook long ago.
I sit on the floor, just one footfall to the gate, this line feels wonky
The portal that hides the unknown.

i like the way you instill the fear of this verse in the reader.

4th verse;

Hold my head in my hands
wipe away tears, and think about those that I love.
A weak laugh escapes.
I think of how silly I’ve been.
“It’s just a dream.” I say again
but pray to the Heavens it’s true.
I sit on the floor, tears slowly pouring
then realize it’s five minutes till two!
I rise, and set off with a frown
back to my tower of safety.

for me this verse is too telly. i think it lengthens the poem needlessly.

5th verse.
Who would have guessed the only my room would be the true doom, waking me up once again.
The last step in front, but missing the edge, I fall into darkness once more.
I wake with a fright, to a startling sight,
I had never left my small room!

for me the above verse is just reiteration from pieces within the rest of the poem (is it needed?)

final verse:

This is no dream, more a nightmare.
Kicking and Thrashing tangles my hair
Memories flood, wishes fall
the spinning leaves me confused.
A silent scream wakes me
to the dark endless night
“it’s just a dream.” My whisper
hanging in the air
‘No’ I think
more like a nightmare.......nightmare has already been used once?

i think the duplication of the 1st verse works here so for me i'd say leave it.

hope i haven't been too harsh maddie. i think it has lots of potential.

lines like ;
hold my head etc,
dark endless night etc,
silent scream etc and a few more are pretty well used in poetry.
where ever possible try and be as original as you can.

thanks for a really enjoyable read.
hope to see more of your work soon.

[addy]

Welcome Maddie . I really like the story you were telling here. As billy mentioned the rhythm isn't perfect (I have trouble in that department myself LOL) and that will take practicing. But you do have the flair of a storyteller. I actually like the repeating parts, they remind me of the song/poetry parts in the Just So stories of Rudyard Kipling

I'll skip the points already commented on

This is no dream, more like a nightmare.
Kicking and Thrashing any reason for the capitalization?, tangles my hair,
The memories flood, wishes fall through,
And the spinning leaves me confused.
A silent scream wakes me to the dark endless night Unless you really want to emphasize the line, I'd advice against piling on more than one adjective to a noun (ex. instead of "dark, mysterious man" just "dark man" or "cipher" can show the picture)
“it’s just a dream.” My whisper hanging in the air
‘No’ I think, more like a nightmare.

Pull my knees to my chest, fill my heart with regrets,
That the dream has re-surfaced again. Maybe "retrieved" is the proper term? (LOL, you can pick a nicer word though). You can have lots of fun with this ("fill my heart with regrets... the dream has salvaged from the deep")
I slowly uncurl, and my feet hit the floor, as I step off my small tower of safety.
One stride at a time, I take the stairs down
When the little girl reminds me of fears
Of spiders and darkness and falls off the tree, Loved this part and most of all being alone.

Step after step, creak before creak,
The tears are flooding a river.
Dripping and dropping, leaving a trail, like memories I shook long ago. I felt an inconsistency when you said the tears are "flooding a river" but also "dripping and dropping a trail". Personally I'd keep the second image, it's far more interesting
I sit on the floor, just one footfall to the gate,
The portal that hides the unknown.

Hold my head in my hands, wipe away tears, and think about those that I love. Try to rewrite this with a phrase or phrases that sound less cliche. It's an emotional turning point in the poem, so you don't want readers skimming over this line. You want it to grab them like all the other lines
A weak laugh escapes as I think of how silly I’ve been.
“It’s just a dream.” I say again, but pray to the Heavens it’s true.
I sit on the floor, the tears slowly pouring, then I realize it’s five minutes till two!
I get up off the ground, and set off with a frown, back to my tower of safety.

Who would have guessed the only my room would be the true doom this line confused me a little, waking me up once again.
The last step in front, but missing the edge, I fall into darkness once more.
I wake with a fright, to a startling sight,
I had never left my small room!
This being a twist of "dream within a dream" (if I'm reading correctly) then this verse should be kept

This is no dream, more like a nightmare.
Kicking and Thrashing, tangles my hair,
The memories flood, wishes fall through,
And the spinning leaves me confused.
A silent scream wakes me to the dark endless night
“it’s just a dream.” My whisper hanging in the air
‘No’ I think, more like a nightmare. Already mentioned liking the bookending of the poem

If you're having trouble with the rhythm, try reading the poem out loud. When you read it out loud and not just in your head, you'll be able to hear the parts where the phrasing or inner rhyme might be awkward, or where you've written a line too long to be comfortably spoken. Basically if it doesn't sound right, it won't read right.

Hope the comments help, and hope to see more poems from you