The Wise Mumble

[doolasmind#11]

Had A thought had to go with it

On guard for monsters
Life is a monstrosity
Strive for perfection
Still accept mediocrity
Speed limit posted
World of common velocity
Every soul alive
Is friends with hypocrisy

Sit at my desk, Think about life
"Lord cut it out!" I hold the knife
We all feel like no one gets it
Actions make me seem misfit
Not as in going against society
I don't fit, something of that variety
Different, what more can I say
Chances are, we feel the same way
Don't be shy, I'm speaking to you
Or hide in shadows, I'm seeking for you

Try so hard, not to conform
Yet even hipsters have a norm
Same path, wonder where it leads?
Food for thought, wonder who it feeds?
Deficiencies whisper, they're always around
Lose one habit, another to be found
Try to be righteous, who really notices?
Who even knows what my motive is?
Perfect image of myself, about myself
Ill minds have the best mental health
Out think the inner me, thoughts, questions
Takes me to doubt, then confessions

Pursuit of passions, makes jealous desires
This world sells hope, makes overzealous buyers
Adjust my perception, change my opinion
Reality I create, rebels against my dominion
I'm not insane, just a very scary visionary
Evil in life, Good in death,
Write me a contrary obituary

I'll sign off now, I made my peace
My mind got out it's cage
Where did I put the leash?

[rowens]

Almost every line in this could be the subject of one poem. Maybe you're going too fast. You make good points, then you just go to another and then another. But that is the way of society, for younger people especially. Each day is a high velocity mumble.


Still if you concentrated on one of these topics, and built a poem out of it, that might be helpful:

Strive for perfection
Still accept mediocrity

Try so hard, not to conform
Yet even hipsters have a norm

Pursuit of passions, makes jealous desires
This world sells hope, makes overzealous buyers

[Todd]

Hi doola, this would be a pretty fun spoken piece. As just writing, there are things I'd look to cut. Treating it as something you'd perform here are some notes:

Had A thought had to go with it

On guard for monsters
Life is a monstrosity
Strive for perfection
Still accept mediocrity
Speed limit posted
World of common velocity--nice phrase
Every soul alive
Is friends with hypocrisy

Sit at my desk, Think about life--first part seems filler that doesn't add much
"Lord cut it out!" I hold the knife
We all feel like no one gets it
Actions make me seem misfit--add an "a" before misfit
Not as in going against society
I don't fit, something of that variety
Different, what more can I say
Chances are, we feel the same way--maybe, ...we all feel that way
Don't be shy, I'm speaking to you
Or hide in shadows, I'm seeking for you

Try so hard, not to conform
Yet even hipsters have a norm
Same path, wonder where it leads?
Food for thought, wonder who it feeds?--nice use redeeming a cliche
Deficiencies whisper, they're always around
Lose one habit, another to be is found
Try to be righteous, who really notices?--just an aside, in my mind righteousness is all about not being noticed doing good--being noticed loses something--again just a philosophical aside...your poem is engaging me though
Who even knows what my motive is?
Perfect image of myself, about myself
Ill minds have the best mental health--like this thought
Out think the inner me, thoughts, questions
Takes me to doubt, then confessions

Pursuit of passions, makes jealous desires
This world sells hope, makes overzealous buyers--maybe eliminate the comma and makes replace with to
Adjust my perception, change my opinion
Reality I create, rebels against my dominion
I'm not insane, just a very scary visionary
Evil in life, Good in death,
Write me a contrary obituary

I'll sign off now, I made my peace
My mind got out it's cage--got out of its
Where did I put the leash?

That looks like a lot of comments but it's mostly slight typo/smoothing out sort of editing. I hope it's helpful.

Best,

Todd

[doolasmind#11]

@Rowens- I'm 23 and I am very much scatter-brained(if that's a word lol) the image of my mind going a thousand miles a minute is sort of what i wanted to create but i will try and implement your advice and slow down to make clear concise points

@Todd- Thank you I'm glad you enjoyed it and no your edits don't seem like too much i knew there were going to be some problems when i wrote it. I will work out the kinks and repost when i feel i made a proper revision

[rowens]

It seemed that way. A wise mumble. This poem has that going for it. But if you keep writing, it would be interesting if you gave a lot of thought to some of the things mentioned here in passing, and give us a poem about them. Take those feelings about these things, and expand the thought into more"ill-minded" thoughts, then craft them into poetry.

The hipsters, the consumer society, the "inner me", and all the rest.

Get a grip on that crazy shit and whip it into shape. Counter realities.

[destiny1313]

I really liked it! It has a manic vibe I dig and I relate to the content and like the way you phrased things