Reflection

[jferrell]

Softly spoken words, uttered with duplicity,
My perception blindsided by her furtive eloquence,
I was foolishly passionate enough to want to believe you,

My judgement inundated with unbearable feelings of happiness, I thought myself a zealot,
a zealot for your attention, but it was justified in opulence; not in material wealth but in your affection,

An erudite scholar of the heart I'd call it,
majoring in love and inadvertently minoring in disappointment,
I consequently and ironically martyred myself to a false prophet,
Exposed myself to this odious opprobrium,

However, it's all insignificant now;
The evanescence of my feelings are substantiated in proverbial scar tissue,
a constant reminder of all these now despondent moments we shared,

[arbil_poieo]

Welcome Josh!
I'm glad you're sharing your poems with us.

The trouble I'm having with this are the long lines:

"A zealot for your attention, but it was justified when I was rewarded with opulence; not in material wealth but in your affection,"
"The evanescence of my feelings are apparent, a diminution of my love is substantiated in scar tissue which serves as a reminder of all these now despondent moments we shared,"

A lot can be said without so many words and still have as much impact. Overall, It's packed with a wide range of vocabulary, it helped in delivering the emotional aspect of it. As a reader I can relate to the emotions without having them myself just by reading this.

[jferrell]

Thank you for your feedback! A couple of issues I was concerned with were those long lines as you've stated and also with metaphors. I feel like I might have been lacking in symbolism and suffering with an overabundance of literal concepts

[arbil_poieo]

I'm a fan of symbolism and images. They're not required but it does give a poem some originality and depth. I personally don't think you need it with this because it can stand alone without it. Others may or may not agree with me. If you want to edit it and add some images to go along with it then you can.

[jferrell]

Thank you kindly for your insight! As a beginner it truly speaks a lot to me to read constructive feedback. I sincerely appreciate your time to read and critique my work. I will try to incorporate more imagery in my future projects as I believe it seperate lines of average, mundane characters from art. Thanks again!

[rowens]

I think this poem shows well the awkwardness of intellectualizing feelings. Especially when you're at one and the same time a romantic idealist and cursed with an over-logical train of thought. That awkwardness might not be a conscious intention, but you said over and over that you're new to writing, so I don't think you'll mind me saying that all that much.

But it still works on that level, that awkward, clumsy attempt to rationalize feelings past and present. And it's effective. So there.

[jferrell]

Thank you for your feedback"

---

Is it the choice of words or the way I styled it that you consider awkward?

[rowens]

It's just the character of the speaker. It's a painful and awkward situation; and it comes off well. Though it's just a natural thing, a natural way of dealing with the whole thing in words. It works for me in this particular poem for that reason. The sentiment, the frustration, and all that stuff.

And that part below the line,

---

that's still the poem going on, right?

[Card]

I'm a fan of symbolism and images.

Heh. I'm actually not. I mean, they're good in moderation. But don't make everything figurative unless it's to make a point about something (like showing a love is false by giving it too much emphasis). I've seen too many authors err on the side of the figurative.

So... yeah. Every time I see someone start yelling for more metaphors, I make a point to tell them to not go overboard. I may not be too good of a poet, but I am better read than almost anyone else I know. 'Course, that makes actual human conversation a bit difficult, but it has taught me to appreciate the written word.



Too Long, Didn't Read: Metaphors are like salt. They can help, but they can also make stuff taste like shit if you have too much.

[jferrell]

It was but it read very rough and i didnt like it so I cut it out.. I'm still editing the poem. I kind of came up with it last night while I was drinking and listening to a lot of coldplay lol. Once I finish it ill edit my original post. For some reason it wouldn't let me put my post as one on this phone

---

I can see your point, Card. I've read a lot of poems that had too much of it but as you've said in moderation they can work really. Thanks for taking the time to post. I appreciate you as well, arbil

[jferrell]

Thanks for your feedback, Heart. I agree with you about the big wall of text. I wasn't sure about how to space it. You said some lines ran on; any in particular? Perhaps I could condense it.

[monablackbird]

I'm a born hopeful romantic who has been at times clothed in the robes of a cynic. So, I love this piece. I also like what Rowens said about awkwardness and I agree. The poem is awkward but that works to its advantage. I tend to really like awkward things so in my book that's a compliment. I'm thinking you could strip some words from this. Then again, I tend to be heavy on brevity sometimes, so that's only from my perspective. Just a thought of course. Can't wait to read more from you.

Best,
Mona

[jferrell]

Thank you both.. I'm still working on revision of this but I'm trying to come up with more work that I feel strongly about but I've been really busy these past.few days; my sister just had a baby girl, Leandea so I've been distracted. Thanks again

[monablackbird]

Congrats on the new niece! Wonderful! And yes, time is a bizarre burden of human existence. To put it dramatically. lol I hope you keep this one running around in your mind and make peace with it. There's a lot that's great about it. Best!

[newsclippings]

"Exposed myself to this odious opprobrium" -- this right here is an awesome little bit, because you've used your extensive vocabulary to give us a poetic quip, a play on words.

Overall though, I think this poem is too smart for me. I may need to whip out the dictionary for this thing.

[jferrell]

Thank you. c: baby Leandra is so beautiful and I absolutely love her.
Thanks for reading this you two... I never thought I'd ever get this much feedback on any of my poems so I'm in an awesome state of serendipity right now.