The Goblin's Carrion Crow.

[Hurst]

You followed the carrion crow
into the woods one day.
You did not mean to get so lost,
Did not mean to lose your way.

He leads you to a dank cave,
And your pulse skips a beat.
You ignore the warning of sense,
False courage stoping your retreat.

The goblins black sweat will stain your clothes
as they press you to their skin.
They’ll hum haunting lullaby’s
to try to lure you in.

Your senses tell you you must flee,
but your heart begins to drink,
and before long you’re dancing-
Unable to leave, unable to think.

They’ll snatch at your soul like hyenas
while making you fall in love.
They’ll catch you in their arms
as you’re falling from above.

I wonder if people will miss you,
I wonder if people will know,
That you, like me, fell victim,
To the goblins carrion crow.

[arbil_poieo]

Hey Hurst,
A very interesting read.
They'll snatch at your sould like hyenas/while making you fall in love"---I really like that, it's twisted.

"lullaby's" should be lullabies
"Your senses tell you you must flee" should have a comma between the "you"s
The last stanza feels generic, theres detail throughout the poem but the last stanza feels vague and not as strong.

"But your heart begins to drink" is a brilliant detail

Overall, I felt very intrigued from line to line trying to figure out where it's going to lead me. It's simple but captivating and has a bit of quirk to it.

[BennyBoy]

I enjoyed it! I like horror stories. This had some nice imagery, especially the first line: "You followed the carrion crow."

Besides the misspellings arbil noticed, the line: "The goblins black sweat will stain your clothes" reads clumsily to me. Maybe just removing "The" or "will" could help?

[Hurst]

Thanks guys. I'll edit with your suggestions in mind.

Any thoughts on what I could do for the last stanza?

-Hurst

[arbil_poieo]

Hey Hurst,
The line "I wonder if people will miss you," is actually the feeling I had hoped for as I was reading because of how the poem is laid out with the narrator telling a story of seduction and danger. It's a pointless warning that the narrator is giving and "I wonder if people will miss you" gives it that final push and it makes the pointless warning seem inevitable. I would build the last stanza around just that one line.

[billy]

a good meter would help no end, it reminds me just a smidgen, of Rossetti's goblin market. the word goblin always does. (i saw a elf once with his head between his knees and asked "are you a goblin" and he replied "no, I've got a headache" (sorry i couldn't help meself)

back to the poem. you have some images that are pretty could and some cliche that are not. a good way of getting rid of cliche is to change them into images. if you can you'll have an image rich poem.

an example;

You followed the carrion crow
and flew into the woods that May.

will be a good poem with a bit of work.

You followed the carrion crow good opening line
into the woods one day.
You did not mean to get so lost,
Did not mean to lose your way.

He leads you to a dank cave,
And your pulse skips a beat.
You ignore the warning of sense,
False courage stoping your retreat. stopping

The goblins black sweat will stain your clothes
as they press you to their skin.
They’ll hum haunting lullaby’s
to try to lure you in.

Your senses tell you you must flee,
but your heart begins to drink, best line in the poem.
and before long you’re dancing-
Unable to leave, unable to think.

They’ll snatch at your soul like hyenas good image/simile
while making you fall in love.
They’ll catch you in their arms
as you’re falling from above.

I wonder if people will miss you,
I wonder if people will know,
That you, like me, fell victim,
To the goblins carrion crow. this is also my fave line

as suggestion would be along the lines of:

I wonder will family miss you,
I wonder will friends ever know,
That you, like me, became victim,
To goblin's carrion crow.