The Recitation

[Fathima]

I don't know if this poem even makes sense. I find that I have some difficult writing figuratively and using imagery in poems. I tried to do this in this poem, but I'm not sure if it works. Any advice on how to better this poem would be highly appreciated...Thank you.

Words penetrating dark to light veins
Butterflies flying through polluted to purified skin
Heart fluttering from the still to leaping breast
Chanting, singing harmonious melodies
Nothing can taste and compare to
Recited rhythmical sweet tender words
Soul bouncing back and forth away
In a molded muddy container
Raising up trembling sweaty palms
Supplicating with earnest blue sincerity
Such words are not from this man-altered earth
Tears flowing like rivers in the rich green garden
Wanting to depart and exit this body now
Indulge in these words
Most Merciful, You have captured me away
I'm encompassed by mighty feathered white wings
I'm swiftly flying to the seven heavenly skies above

[Card]

Well, I'll be honest: If anything, you used too many metaphors. Doing so exposes your poem to cliches, and might go above a reader's head. Don't let anyone tell you you need metaphors for a poem to be good. That's like saying you need a porch to have a house. It's nice, usually, but not needed.

I mean, it's a bit hard for me to read what you've written because it seems like you tried to create strong imagery rather than a poem.

[Stalker]

Hey Fathima

I think more fundamentally you can look at some punctuation and try to reduce the number of verbs which end in - ing.


Thsi is like a long line, stream of conciousness thing at the moment - and everything ih happening RIGHT NOW.



does that help?

StalkeR

[rowens]

I think you should just revise this poem over and over again for an hour or so. Try to get some intention in it. I see intention in it, but I put it there myself. That's fine sometimes, but from your introduction, I come to think that you had little control over what you were doing.

Anything can be done at this point. Just do anything.

Sharpen the thing. Trim the fat, or make the fat important for some reason. You have decent material to work with.

[monablackbird]

I have to echo some of the other comments and also say "trim the fat". In this case I think a lot of the fat comes from overuse of adjectives and flowery language. Sometimes cliches are relevant because they resonate with a lot of people. But usually when people feel like something is cliche, it's because the language used doesn't do the emotion being conveyed justice. That's something I try to remember. There is a ton of good meat here and great potential for this poem. Keep up the good work and remember to enjoy the process.

[Fathima]

Thanks for the feedback. Is this any better?


The book unfolds, a journey is to begin.
Out fly butterflies down purified skin.
The heart, it flutters.

Chanting, singing.
Nothing compares to the ringing
of a harmonious melody's rebirth.

Trembled palms raise up.
The soul bounces in a molded clay cup.
Such words are not from earth.

Sincerity supplicates,
while tears drop in a garden of open gates.
Long to leave now and plunge into these words of love.

Most Merciful, this is the day.
You have taken me away.
I'm swiftly flying to the seven skies above.

[arbil_poieo]

Hey Fathima,
I like the idea of: "Out fly butterflies down purified skin."-----to me it's an image of beauty, freedom and innocence

"The heart, it flutters."-----this line is cliche. It's a good feeling that can be expressed better, although I like the word "flutter" like a butterfly's wings...good connection, just not sure in using "heart" to express it.

"The soul bounces in a molded clay cup.
Such words are not from earth."
That's what I'm talking about! Beautiful lines with great imagery.

"Sincerity supplicates,"----praying to sincerity??

"You have taken me away"---a feel-good image but it's also cliche and vague.
The best way to avoid cliches is to express the emotion differently in your own words in a unique way. Ask yourself the feeling you want to show the reader and how to approach it differently. It may be off the wall, but if it expresses the feeling or thought in a special way and it gets the point across then it's good for the reader and great for you as the writer.
Overall, a very impressive edit. There are a lot of great lines.

[Card]

Yeah, one way to picture emotions is like a deck of cards, it's statistically impossible to have two shuffled the exact same (if I remember my probabilities right, in any case it's really damned unlikely). You might feel a connection to the cliche, but you probably deviate as well. It's best to put your emphasis on the deviation instead, because that's the interesting part of the poem.

[Fathima]

Hi, thanks for the feedback.

Made some more changes

The book unfolds, a journey begins.
Out fly butterflies down purified skin.
That which turns, it has turned.

Chanting, singing.
Nothing compares to the worth
of a harmonious melody's rebirth.

Trembled palms raise up.
The soul bounces in a trapped molded clay cup.
Such words are not from earth.

Sincerity supplicates,
while a river flows in a garden of open gates.
Long to leave now and plunge into these words of love.

Most Merciful, this is the day.
Your light has shown me the way.
I've swiftly flown to the seven skies above.