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Hi EmmaOline, welcome to the site!
I see you've posted a few poems. Remember to give others feedback on what you like and don't about their poems.
Here are some comments for you:
First suggestion: Read your poem out loud slowly. You'll see some typos and hear some rough spots just by slowing down and paying attention.
Second Suggestion: Think of ways to deepen the content. What this comes across as, is who am I (woe is me), and at the end we're told the speaker is scared. Rather than telling us a list of statements try using imagery to help us to see what's going on.
Wordsworth wrote: I wandered lonely as a cloud
Which is much, much stronger than I'm lonely
Try going under the statements and paint word pictures for us.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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Do, however, be careful to not shove metaphors down the reader's throat. Sometimes brevity is better. Starkness can be more powerful.
Remember that there are different types of emotions. If I was to try and describe a confusing emotion, like love, I might compare it to something else to elaborate. Fear, though, is a primal feeling.
You do switch your rhyme scheme from stanza to stanza, but that's hardly important. Something that does catch me a bit more is that you used "am" in two stanzas but used "was" in only one. A different tense or conjugation might be better, but I'm not entirely sure how. If there is a way to do that, I think it would make your poem better, but I do think it is very nice on its own.
Won't be seeing you through the field of tears I left behind
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hi emma.
often, this kind of poem is too predictable, when i see one i expect a lot of cliche and i wasn't disappointed. a lot of stock phrasing. try and be unpredictable. try nit to be repetitive with the who am i and the i words.
Who am I to think I am
to break free
to fit
you'll all see
even then the words are stock. the who am i format you chose is one of the hardest to do so that the reader thinks it a good write
it is a start though and starts are excellent
thanks for the read.
(01-13-2013, 06:44 AM)EmmaOline Wrote: Who am I. 
Who am I to think a I am
Who am I to break free
Who am I to think I fit in
Hopefully one day you'll all see
Who am I to dance along
Who am I to sing your song
Who am I to don't be scared
One day you'll se that I belong
Who was I to just believe
Who was I to think you cared
Who was I to tell you secrets
Hey world, I'm just a bit scared
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Hi Emma,
not much to add to what has been said already, but I did like:
" Who am I to sing your song?"
The list is a tricky thing. It can work.
When I read "who am I", I thought of the Unix command: whoami. ;-)
cheers
Serge
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Who am I to don't be scared.....is the line supposed to read "who am I to not to be scared"?
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Hi Emma, this poem is definately a good start, but I would firstly like to advise you that you should avoid careless typos in your final work, since it says a lot about the amount of effort which you put into the writing of this poem. The motif of 'who, am/was I' is a very original one, but you need to make sure that each line is different from the next one in terms of what is saying. The rhymes you use also seem to be a bit forced, thus sacrificing the content.
Who am I.
Who am I to think a I am
'I think therefore I am' would be a good quote to take into account
Who am I to break free
Who am I to think I fit in
Hopefully one day you'll all see
Who am I to dance along
Who am I to sing your song
Who am I to don't be scared
This line feels very grammatically awkward, and hardly makes much sense to the reader.
One day you'll se that I belong
Who was I to just believe
Who was I to think you cared
Who was I to tell you secrets
Hey world, I'm just a bit scared-
Perhaps you could elaborate on this fear that you're talking about
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