first poem

[joonnnxp]

Hey this is first poem. Might not be a poem. Just some thing I wrote to clear my chest.

Remember the time when u asked me if we were friends?
I said yeah and figured friends till the end.
Remember the time u asked if we were friends?
I went the extra mile just to be that "friend".
Remember the time, we were actually friends?
We hung out and laughed. That wasnt pretend.
Remember that time u asked if we were friends?
Guess it was just me, that was truly a "friend".

[BennyBoy]

I can relate to this too. It evoked emotion in me. That's a good first attempt. Good job, joonnnnxp.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Hello joonnnxp and welcome to the site I hope you find it as usefull as I have.
As for the poem, yes it is poetry, but for me not overly effective poetry. My advice to you would be, take the first line and make it "remember we were friends" and have it as the title. Then try and use imagery to discribe the growth of the friendship and defining points. Then begin to expalin how the friendship turned sour and maybe finish with the last line.
I do know this is a bit much for the type of crit you wanted, so I hope you find this helpful and not offensive. It is a good topic and your idea can work


Remember the time when u asked me if we were friends?
I said yeah and figured friends till the end.
Remember the time u asked if we were friends?
I went the extra mile just to be that "friend".
Remember the time, we were actually friends?
We hung out and laughed. That wasnt pretend.
Remember that time u asked if we were friends?
Guess it was just me, that was truly a "friend".
[/quote]

[Card]

I don't really think that's strong, Jae.
Well, I disagree with you, but I don't think it's too strong criticism.

There's a term I like to use. "Repetition of Repetitious Thought." The repeated line is useful because it shows us that there are some elements of disbelief and denial over the "friend" not being true. It gets us into the head of the narrator.

[joonnnxp]

Thanks for the feedback. Very much appreciated. Will definitely be posting more soon! Thanks again guys