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Dublin for downers
Unsmokeable pubs puke me out like
moms wanting nothing but getting it right and rid of
the shit they just made into getting alive.
In drinking nights there is a point of time,
when I can as well close my eyes
and can confidently go on blind.
Of course blind is best for a motherless child
to just flow along, kissing crashed
birds as wondrous as myself
while passing them (by)
and whistling
to a beauty taking a stroll, I'd had so loved
to have loved,,
you know what I mean.
She looks like Isabella Adjani. ,-) *
I rather join the floaters'
on the rooftops gesturing obscenely
stoned, while wet kissing the next
pouty-lipped standing by.
----------
on a poem by Baudelaire a une passante ...)
an idea by Beckett and me.gestures
* Rory got a bit carried away here. Quote by him.
Thank you shemthepenman!
(will not link it but: Irish Tour, I wonder who)
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What can I say? It is simply great.
I know this is 'serious critique corner', and so I should make some more concrete observations.
The whole thing just works for me, from first to last. The, "Unsmokeable pubs puke me out like
moms wanting nothing but getting it right and rid of the shit they just made into getting alive" is fantastic, and it really dragged me in. Any condemnation of 'unsmokeable pubs' gets my vote.
I must confess I thought, at first, the French a little contrived and dare I say pretentious. But after a closer reading, I see that it just flows so nicely into the atmosphere of the poem.
The only part I stopped at was, 'frozen in vision'. I can't say why, I am no expert on such matters, but for some reason it just didn’t work for me. It sounded a little forced or maybe false… or cliché maybe? How many times have we heard something 'frozen in…' and possibly because the rest of the poem seems so original it just stuck out a bit.
anyhow, a wonderful poem, and one I shall read and re-read (and undoubtedly quote next time I find myself reaching for my fags in an 'unsmokeable' pub).
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thank you and your are dead right (French should be translated and frozen vision, well? ;-) )
Not even sure I need that.
so thank you again! That was a serious critique :-)
and yes please tell your fags at the pub. I drank a Kilkenny lately. Not bad!
have a fine day
serge
writing while drunk or on any other drug, or while travelling; or remembering enough to be able to conjure it up and write it down later is a skill in itself.
I know a lot of people that can't do it. I guess it's somewhat of an introverted skill.---I've been called an introvert, and it might have been an insult. But I didn't mean it as an insult here. And I'm only referring to the method of writing, not a personality type.
Then again, reports from "altered states" won't always appeal to others, unless they're in a similar state. But that part's not a reflection on this poem; this poem comes off well on this side of the well.
The use of other languages, or writing in another language than your native one has numerous effects too. But it's always tricky business, because if someone doesn't know a language used, they might shy away from the whole thing. But all the better for someone that does know the languages.
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Hi Rowens,
thank you for reading and commenting.
to start with your last paragraph: Yes, I agree (now ,-) )-
The thing about writing on drinking while drinking. I do not take it that lightly anymore. I try to "meta-pher" drinking . That sometimes works, but I must confess: not that often.
Serge
I thought about these lines.
"In drinking nights there is a point of time,
when I can as well close my eyes
and can confidently go on blind."
I have a multimedia mind, sometimes I think and feel cinematic cuts and cues, falling in and out. And worse.
I think those black outs, and chopped edits of lost time are helpful, in writing, and elsewhere. What can be added, or rearranged. Where emotions swell up in different tones.
But your lines run smoothly in a linear pace. Though I take them up in my mind, and go in different directions with them. That's why I like your poems.
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drinking is not a poetic device. It is there indepently of the desire to raise a voice.
It is only in hindsight that the connection is made.
Not in the poem itself, but drinking and such things can help in the editing of points of view. And depending on your mental and sensual make-up, drugs and simply environments can have lasting effects. And if you remain conscious enough, you can find yourself in the groove of those other points of view and feeling, without having to use the drug any more.
That's important for me in writing.
And when I read poems that give off effects, I like that. Some of your poems do that, when I'm in certain moods.
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when I'm in certain moods
what a first line! ,-)
