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I wrote this just yesterday, it was 5 years since my grandmother passed away. I felt like honoring her the right way.
Where did she go?
Where did She go?
Did, the earth, crack open and take her?
Just to enjoy a moment of silence
with her in it's company.
Where did She go?
Did, the nightingales, turn her into a song?
So She can be
their favorite melody.
Where did She go?
Did, the noble king Arthur, make her his wife?
So She can be the queen
of all eternity.
Posts: 2,351
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Joined: Oct 2010
01-11-2013, 09:59 AM
(This post was last modified: 01-11-2013, 10:00 AM by Todd.)
Hi Sonata, welcome to the site!
Here are some comments for you:
(01-11-2013, 08:28 AM)Sonata Wrote: I wrote this just yesterday, it was 5 years since my grandmother passed away. I felt like honoring her the right way.
Where did she go?
Where did She go?--I don't think the repetitions of the question are necessary let the title do that for you. It's stronger without the repetition
Did, the earth, crack open and took her?--take not took
Just to enjoy a moment of silence--you may want to alter these lines to "Just to enjoy the silence/of her company. The way you have it here seems to run counter to your intentions. It suggests that she nagged the earth so it did away with her for a moments peace
with her in it's company.
Where did She go?
Did, the nightingales, turn her into a song?--this might read better with a line break after either nightingales or turn
So She can be
their favorite melody.--I loved this entire sentiment. Best part of the poem. I would be tempted to make it the entire poem.
Where did She go?
Did, the noble king Arthur, make her his wife?
So She can be the queen
of all eternity.--given how Arthur's marriage worked out, this feels a bit out of place.
Just some thoughts.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 36
Threads: 23
Joined: Jan 2013
Thanks for amazing feedback
I don't know, i kinda like the where did she go parts, gonna put some thought in it
thanks for "took" i actually wanted to write take, idk what happened.
And about Arthur's marriage, I think you misunderstood that part... King Arthur is a legend, He will always be remembered, so when she becomes his queen she will be a part of that legend --> "the queen of all eternity".
