Balance (explicit)

[BennyBoy]

Balance

Was once a slave to my ego
Spent my time in a pile of emo

Give me power, money, and fame
Other things in life are painfully lame

I need money to fuck dumb whores
Screw their asses so they'll dump in their drawers

I don't care how I get my bread
Feed the homeless or just make them die dead

In life there is no salvation
Just a trip to eternal vacation

[Arriedo]

Your rhymes seem forced at times. You could check your syllable count to make the lines flow smoother. The content seems sad but not regretful like you're content with your life but lnow you have to change.

[BennyBoy]

Thanks for the reply. I agree the rhymes sound forced... do you know of any good way to remedy that?

I was strict using 8 syllables for the first line and 10 for the next. I don't know why it doesn't flow smoothly.

I wrote this poem out of bitterness because I devoted my life to art and feel cheated out of more ''shallow'' pleasures like sex and money. Mostly sex.

[billy]

a good way is to have a constant meter. and to use words that rhyme to perfection. ego/emo don't.
da/dum da/dum da/dum da/dum
da/dum da/dum da/dum da/dum

Was once a slave to my ego
Spent my time dressed up in emo

Now give me power, money, fame
All other things in life are lame

[BennyBoy]

a good way is to have a constant meter. and to use words that rhyme to perfection. ego/emo don't.
da/dum da/dum da/dum da/dum
da/dum da/dum da/dum da/dum

Was once a slave to my ego
Spent my time dressed up in emo

Now give me power, money, fame
All other things in life are lame

Huh, that's pretty interesting. I don't know anything about poetry... So does this mean I should try to begin and end each line with one syllable words?

Thanks for the feedback!

PS: I never dressed Emo.

[billy]

a good way is to have a constant meter. and to use words that rhyme to perfection. ego/emo don't.
da/dum da/dum da/dum da/dum
da/dum da/dum da/dum da/dum

Was once a slave to my ego
Spent my time dressed up in emo

Now give me power, money, fame
All other things in life are lame

Huh, that's pretty interesting. I don't know anything about poetry... So does this mean I should try to begin and end each line with one syllable words?

Thanks for the feedback!

PS: I never dressed Emo.

no it doesn't ego and emo is two syls have as many syls in the end word as like. just try and make sure they add to any meter you use, and that your sentence begins with a short stressed syl and ends with a long stressed syl.

the meter above is iambic tetrameter. it uses a short stressed syllable followed by a long stressed syllable 4 times (4 feet) . each one is an unstressed and stressed syllable.

once you get to the point where you do know some poetry (no one can know it all) you can change stuff and play around with the meter and even write without any meter if you want. meter is a good learning tool to get you to write with a decent rhythm. for longer or shorter lines just alter the number of feet. or mix them up

5 feet in the 1st line and 4 feet in the 2nd but keep what ever you do constant till you get the hang of it. leanne's the one to explain it all better than i can but this is a start

[BennyBoy]

Oh okay, now I see why you switched "other" to "all" in the lame line. Thanks for the explanation!

[billy]

i think the idea behind it is that we often talk in iambs. short the long.
what often happens with new poets is that they try and be too poetic and forgo
the rhythm natural language has. i know that was one of my biggest problems and still is to some extent.

[Arriedo]

easiest way to fix forced rhymes to just write in rhymes and get a larger vocabulary, not saying you need bigger words but a bigger word selection.

[billy]

Arriedo makes a good point;


you can also use a rhyming dictionary. if you google it you'll get the rhyming dictionary word site which is a must, (always check what the word means though, if your not sure of it )