No more

[Fathima]

I haven't really thought of a title for this. But I would like to know if this poem makes any sense. Another title I thought of is "Beginning Arrogance". I am unsure of this. Thank you for your feedback.


No more is kindness
As though we're mindless
Of others delicate beating flesh
Concerned with selfish pleadings
Of ours to make our useless point
Not being mindful of a sweet kiss
And always forgetful
Of creation's beginning arrogance
Expelled from everlasting bliss
For holy disobedience

[rowens]

Some punctuation would help guide through it better.

No more is kindness,
As though we're mindless

And make "others" possessive.

Of others' delicate beating flesh.

This might be a useless point, but the next two lines are a bit awkward. But they make sense in passing.

Concerned with selfish pleadings
Of ours, to make our useless point;

You can change the punctuation around to make it flow the way you want.


Not being mindful of a sweet kiss.
And always forgetful
Of creation's beginning arrogance:
Expelled from everlasting bliss
For holy disobedience.

[BennyBoy]

My mind was confused by the beginning rhyme that wasn't followed through in the rest of the poem. Also I'd like some more imagery.

Good job otherwise.

[Fathima]

Hello,

Thank you both for your comments and feedback.

I agree with the punctuation. I think it's better this way.

Regarding the beginning line, I was also concerned about this. Would it be better or make more sense if I replaced "kindness" with "humbleness"?

Thanks.