Gloominess of wonderland

[lisanna]

Picture a first glance on a day in December
Buried were you one day before November
I´ve never had that desperate need, that makes me feel so weak
Wonderland Hurry! Hold me tight
I am paralysed, how will I be able to put on a fight
Please stop torturing me,I don´t know who you are, I never invited you in
But the walls between the grasp of life and anxiety are so thin
See threw and yet not shown to the passing mass
My soul collapse as broken glass
I feel as a burden my feelings are pushed down further
Stand here and watch what is real, pinch me so I can feel
A sharing path you wanted me to see
What a delusion, you left in a bubble where I can´t be
A lovely lie once whispered, come closer I´ll hug you, I´ll keep you secure
What a tempting and compelling lure
Aurora exposing betrayal overshadowed with ashe
With a crystal tear-drop left on my lashe
No kiss on the cheek, but cold rocks to entangle
Solitude has so much more than just one angle
While the pendulum keeps swinging
I painfully noticed your heart stopped singing

[Todd]

Hi lisanna, welcome to the site! Here are some comments below:

Picture a first glance on a day in December--intriguing opening line. It draws me in. I'm thinking of a relationship, or an attraction of some sort
Buried were you one day before November--I'm not sure how this connects to line one fully, but I'm thrown off by the syntax. I think it would be much stronger not inverted "You were buried..."
I´ve never had that desperate need, that makes me feel so weak--the line lengths give this a real uneven sense. I don't dislike the content of this line
Wonderland Hurry! Hold me tight
I am paralysed, how will I be able to put on a fight--should it be up instead of on
Please stop torturing me,I don´t know who you are, I never invited you in--this is an example of a line that I'd like to see you try to tighten. Is there a way you can say this in fewer words
But the walls between the grasp of life and anxiety are so thin--this is also an interesting line that you could build around. I like it.
See threw and yet not shown to the passing mass --do you mean through?
My soul collapse as broken glass--collapse feels like the wrong word to describe broken glass. Glass shatters or breaks, lungs collapse...just feels off to me
I feel as a burden my feelings are pushed down further--like instead of as. There's also not much this line actually does. You may be able to consolidate or cut
Stand here and watch what is real, pinch me so I can feel
A sharing path you wanted me to see
What a delusion, you left in a bubble where I can´t be--the bubble may be that separation between life and death. It's an image that you may be able to use more fully throughout the poem
A lovely lie once whispered, come closer I´ll hug you, I´ll keep you secure--again, I think you could tighten more here.
What a tempting and compelling lure
Aurora exposing betrayal overshadowed with ashe
With a crystal tear-drop left on my lashe--ashe and lashe aren't spellings I'm familiar with
No kiss on the cheek, but cold rocks to entangle--not a bad line
Solitude has so much more than just one angle
While the pendulum keeps swinging--these last two lines are also nicely phrased
I painfully noticed your heart stopped singing--painfully feels like one too many modifiers

I felt this was a bit of a mixed bag. I think there's a poem in here. I just think it's a bit obscured by a lot of stuff. I don't mean any of this in a harsh way. I hope that the comments will be helpful to you in some way.

Best,

Todd

[lisanna]

Hi lisanna, welcome to the site! Here are some comments below:

Picture a first glance on a day in December--intriguing opening line. It draws me in. I'm thinking of a relationship, or an attraction of some sort
Buried were you one day before November--I'm not sure how this connects to line one fully, but I'm thrown off by the syntax. I think it would be much stronger not inverted "You were buried..."
I´ve never had that desperate need, that makes me feel so weak--the line lengths give this a real uneven sense. I don't dislike the content of this line
Wonderland Hurry! Hold me tight
I am paralysed, how will I be able to put on a fight--should it be up instead of on
Please stop torturing me,I don´t know who you are, I never invited you in--this is an example of a line that I'd like to see you try to tighten. Is there a way you can say this in fewer words
But the walls between the grasp of life and anxiety are so thin--this is also an interesting line that you could build around. I like it.
See threw and yet not shown to the passing mass --do you mean through?
My soul collapse as broken glass--collapse feels like the wrong word to describe broken glass. Glass shatters or breaks, lungs collapse...just feels off to me
I feel as a burden my feelings are pushed down further--like instead of as. There's also not much this line actually does. You may be able to consolidate or cut
Stand here and watch what is real, pinch me so I can feel
A sharing path you wanted me to see
What a delusion, you left in a bubble where I can´t be--the bubble may be that separation between life and death. It's an image that you may be able to use more fully throughout the poem
A lovely lie once whispered, come closer I´ll hug you, I´ll keep you secure--again, I think you could tighten more here.
What a tempting and compelling lure
Aurora exposing betrayal overshadowed with ashe
With a crystal tear-drop left on my lashe--ashe and lashe aren't spellings I'm familiar with
No kiss on the cheek, but cold rocks to entangle--not a bad line
Solitude has so much more than just one angle
While the pendulum keeps swinging--these last two lines are also nicely phrased
I painfully noticed your heart stopped singing--painfully feels like one too many modifiers

I felt this was a bit of a mixed bag. I think there's a poem in here. I just think it's a bit obscured by a lot of stuff. I don't mean any of this in a harsh way. I hope that the comments will be helpful to you in some way.

Best,

Todd

Hey thanks for your advice! dont worry its not harsh! I am not a writer, I just had very hard time and I am not much of a talker but somehow I wanted to express myself like this and this came out I know its not perfect...but mirrors all I felt and I am very grateful for your comments!