From Atop the Railing

[brandontoh]

Initially I wanted to write it strictly as a Rondel Prime, but I didn't follow a strict syllable count, so I'm not sure if it can still be considered a Rondel Prime.

1st Edit:
From Atop the Railing

Let’s go back to those days in December;
Hands held, small banters, blissful smiles.
It wasn’t paradise, but living was worthwhile.
Halcyon days, thought to last forever.

One deafening crash and dreams shatter.
Colours drain as you’re pushed down white aisles.
Let’s go back to those days in December;
Hands held, small banters, blissful smiles.

Loved ones wave from across the river.
I used to tremble, I used to step down.
But now, I’m strong enough to write you this lily of the Nile:
Scythe primed, I made a deal with the Reaper.
Let’s go back to those days in December;
Hands held, small banters, blissful smiles.

Original:
From Atop the Railing

Let’s go back to those days in December;
Hands held, small banters, blissful smiles.
Wasn’t paradise, but living was worthwhile.
Halcyon days, thought to last forever.

Yet deafening noises shatter the dream.
Cruel, unacceptable.
Let’s go back to those days in December;
Hands held, small banters, blissful smiles.

Loved ones wave, from across the river.
I used to tremble, I used to step down.
But now, I’m strong enough, to write you this lily of the Nile:
Scythe primed, I made a deal with the Reaper.
Let’s go back to those days in December;
Hands held, small banters, blissful smiles.

[arbil_poieo]

Heya Brandon
I'm not really familiar with Rondel Prime, so I'm just going to go over the content and hopefully someone who knows this form will go over that for you.

There are some really great things, I just have a few nits here and there:
"Yet deafening noises shatter the dream"--- I would cut out "yet"
"But now, I'm strong enough, to write you this lily of the nile"---I would cut out "But now" it just makes the line longer. Is lily of the nile suppose to be the flower, if so I would capitalize it.
"Loved ones wave, from across the river"---the comma isn't necessary
"Cruel, unacceptable"---could this be elaborated, it would be strong with some detail to go along with it, right now it's just 2 words in the middle of the stanza without anything to cling to, just seems out of place.
"......shatter the dream"---is cliche, I would go with something more original, something more forceful.
To be honest with you, I don't really understand "I made a deal with the Reaper" it may be just me that it seems random.

From what I read on Rondel Prime, it's suppose to have 14 lines which you do, with two rhymes A B a b a b A B and the last stanza can have a b b a A B. It says the meter is open, but it usually follows the common 8 syllables. And it's not suppose to repeat any of the rhymed words.
You have the repeating A B where it is needed (the first 2 lines in the 1st stanza then in the last 2 lines in the 2nd stanza then the last two lines in the 3rd stanza).

I think in my opinion, as far as the content, the overall message was met. I don't think this needs too many images..it might be distracting. It said what it is needed.

Hopefully, this was somewhat helpful to you.

[brandontoh]

Thanks Arbil. =) Didn't realise that someone replied to this thread. >< I'll edit it once I find the drive to. Once again, thanks for the feedback. =) By the way, "I made a deal with the Reaper" is referring to the protagonist deciding to commit suicide.

[Mr. Shankly]

"let's go" seems too informal for a poem of this nature.. "Let us," perhaps?

[billy]

i liked the read and would have to look up the form to give anything constructive about it. as it stands the repetitions work well and most of my suggestions are just that
thanks for the read.

Initially I wanted to write it strictly as a Rondel Prime, but I didn't follow a strict syllable count, so I'm not sure if it can still be considered a Rondel Prime.

From Atop the Railing

Let’s go back to those days in December; would 'December' days work just as well?
Hands held, small banters, blissful smiles.
Wasn’t paradise, but living was worthwhile. 'it' to start the line
Halcyon days, thought to last forever.

Yet deafening noises shatter the dream.
Cruel, unacceptable. why?
Let’s go back to those days in December;
Hands held, small banters, blissful smiles.

Loved ones wave, from across the river. no need for the comma
I used to tremble, I used to step down.
But now, I’m strong enough, to write you this lily of the Nile: no need for one or both comma
Scythe primed, I made a deal with the Reaper.
Let’s go back to those days in December;
Hands held, small banters, blissful smiles.

[brandontoh]

First edit it out. =) Thanks for all the feedback!

[billy]

the grammar reads better in the last stanza and the 2nd feels more rounded on that 2nd line. good edit. the let's works okay as well.