a thing I missed to tell you

[serge gurkski]

Rev 1 (thank you Billy!)

You can't have it your way always,
I so wish you were
grown up, Baby
to consider the facts
and act accordingly.
Your jealousy won't bring you
nowhere near to happiness,
Why not better concentrate
on stuff that really matters?
But who am I talking to?
Call me sarcastic
that's ok, I 'll be your Burton
as long as you wanna be my Liz.
Flooded by my own darkness
I have no chance to make you see me.
And that maybe best


Original:

You can't have it your ways always,
that's a lesson you must learn.
like everyone else..
I so wish you were
grown up, Baby
to consider the facts
and act accordingly.
Your jealousy won't bring you
nowhere near to happiness,
So why not better concentrate on
the stuff that really matters?
But who am I talking to?
Call me sarcastic now,
that's ok, I 'll be your Burton
as long as you wanna be my Liz.


I am flooded by my own darkness
which is why we have no chance to make you see me
And that maybe best so.

[billy]

You can't have it your ways always, i think it should be 'way'
that's a lesson you must learn.
like everyone else.. feels redundant and preachy.
I so wish you were
grown up, Baby
to consider the facts
and act accordingly.
Your jealousy won't bring you
nowhere near to happiness,
So why not better concentrate on is 'so' needed?
the stuff that really matters? remove 'the' and pull down 'on' to start this line
But who am I talking to?
Call me sarcastic now, 'now' isn't needed
that's ok, I 'll be your Burton
as long as you wanna be my Liz. i like these four lines best. they put the poem into context.


I am flooded by my own darkness
which is why we have no chance to make you see me
And that maybe best so. no need for 'so' a suggestion for this last stanza would be;

Flooded by my own darkness
I have no chance to make you see me
And that maybe best

it's a quiet poem and so it would be unfair of me to expect an image laden poem packed with punch, and i didn't, while it's short and quiet and i saw little wrong with it for being so.

if i had a constructive thought about it, i'd say "perhaps it lacks poetic device" but again it was still enjoyable.

[serge gurkski]

thank you Billy, but I must look into this when sober
again. A major rant. hm. Give me a day to get over that sl....-
thank you.