I Heard You Chatting

[Pete Ak]

I heard you chatting to Mercy and Goodness,
saw you courting Favour too.
I was told you were playing with Success,
just after you’d kissed Breakthrough.
Seemed like you were running with Blessings,
Elegance, Bravado, Romance,
The world at your feet, nothing to lose
still, you tried teaching St. Vitus his dance.

Things have changed since that age of ingenuousness,
you’ve made friends with Snigger and Taunt.
Knelt with Insult and Hatred,
prayed for whatever you want.
I saw you bow to Arrogance and Degradation,
heard you whisper to Meanness and Spite.
Watched you get debased with Negation
whilst you slept with Triumph last night.

You’ve been seen handing handouts to Shambles,
playing dice with Revulsion and Lies.
With Doom and Damnation you gambled
whilst Holiness waited outside.
Don’t pretend you don’t know Pretension,
I have proof you were there yesterday
on your knees before Foulness and Derision,
Licking the feet of Decay.

It’s what happens when friends are instrumental.
When torment’s your favourite game
You’re bitter, resentful, judgmental
and happy to spread out the blame.
So, while you dance with Deceit and Venality,
laugh with Perversion and Greed,
take care to watch over your shoulder,
one day it’s a cwtch that you’ll need.

[tectak]

I heard you chatting to Mercy and Goodness,
saw you courting Favour too.
I was told you were playing with Success,
just after you’d kissed Breakthrough.
Seemed like you were running with Blessings,
Elegance, Bravado, Romance,
The world at your feet, nothing to lose
still, you tried teaching St. Vitus his dance.

Things have changed since that age of ingenuousness,
you’ve made friends with Snigger and Taunt.
Knelt with Insult and Hatred,
prayed for whatever you want.
I saw you bow to Arrogance and Degradation,
heard you whisper to Meanness and Spite.
Watched you get debased with Negation
whilst you slept with Triumph last night.

You’ve been seen handing handouts to Shambles,
playing dice with Revulsion and Lies.
With Doom and Damnation you gambled
whilst Holiness waited outside.
Don’t pretend you don’t know Pretension,
I have proof you were there yesterday
on your knees before Foulness and Derision,
Licking the feet of Decay.

It’s what happens when friends are instrumental.
When torment’s your favourite game
You’re bitter, resentful, judgmental
and happy to spread out the blame.
So, while you dance with Deceit and Venality,
laugh with Perversion and Greed,
take care to watch over your shoulder,
one day it’s a cwtch that you’ll need.

---

I heard you chatting to Mercy and Goodness,
saw you courting Favour too.
I was told you were playing with Success,
just after you’d kissed Breakthrough.
Seemed like you were running with Blessings,
Elegance, Bravado, Romance,
The world at your feet, nothing to lose
still, you tried teaching St. Vitus his dance.

Things have changed since that age of ingenuousness,
you’ve made friends with Snigger and Taunt.
Knelt with Insult and Hatred,
prayed for whatever you want.
I saw you bow to Arrogance and Degradation,
heard you whisper to Meanness and Spite.
Watched you get debased with Negation
whilst you slept with Triumph last night.

You’ve been seen handing handouts to Shambles,
playing dice with Revulsion and Lies.
With Doom and Damnation you gambled
whilst Holiness waited outside.
Don’t pretend you don’t know Pretension,
I have proof you were there yesterday
on your knees before Foulness and Derision,
Licking the feet of Decay.

It’s what happens when friends are instrumental.
When torment’s your favourite game
You’re bitter, resentful, judgmental
and happy to spread out the blame.
So, while you dance with Deceit and Venality,
laugh with Perversion and Greed,
take care to watch over your shoulder,
one day it’s a cwtch that you’ll need. I really hop not

Hi pete,
no line by line on this one as that would be churlish Overall, this is a novel and brave effort. To a degree, you pulled it off but with verse this long you must either have a rhyme scheme or not. I got pulled in, appropriately, by S1 and its ABABCDEC.......leanne may have come across this before, I have not, but she will have to be quick...S2 loses it on the AA and it it gets weaker as the piece progresses but just hangs in there . Nonetheless, and churlish I mentioned, you made it. Rhythm is flaky, too, BUT a good idea is always a good idea. Well done, but l would live off the last stanza. Give it an edit for New Year.
Best, tectak
,

[Pete Ak]

Tectak - thanks again for you comments. I think tho, that I'll need a line by line job done on this to get ideas for an edit, mainly because I've got stuck on it. (It's about three years old.) What I don't want to do is go chasing rhymes for the sake of the structure which probably means a considerable culling is needed, unless I receive other ideas. Thanks again.

[tectak]

I heard you chatting to Mercy and Goodness,
saw you courting Favour too.
I was told you were playing with Success,
just after you’d kissed Breakthrough.
Seemed like you were running with Blessings,
Elegance, Bravado, Romance,
The world at your feet, nothing to lose
still, you tried teaching St. Vitus his dance.

Things have changed since that age of ingenuousness,
you’ve made friends with Snigger and Taunt.
Knelt with Insult and Hatred,
prayed for whatever you want.
I saw you bow to Arrogance and Degradation,
heard you whisper to Meanness and Spite.
Watched you get debased with Negation
whilst you slept with Triumph last night.

You’ve been seen handing handouts to Shambles,
playing dice with Revulsion and Lies.
With Doom and Damnation you gambled
whilst Holiness waited outside.
Don’t pretend you don’t know Pretension,
I have proof you were there yesterday
on your knees before Foulness and Derision,
Licking the feet of Decay.

It’s what happens when friends are instrumental.
When torment’s your favourite game
You’re bitter, resentful, judgmental
and happy to spread out the blame.
So, while you dance with Deceit and Venality,
laugh with Perversion and Greed,
take care to watch over your shoulder,
one day it’s a cwtch that you’ll need.

---

I heard you chatting to Mercy and Goodness,
saw you courting Favour too.
I was told you were playing with Success,
just after you’d kissed Breakthrough.
Seemed like you were running with Blessings,
Elegance, Bravado, Romance,
The world at your feet, nothing to lose
still, you tried teaching St. Vitus his dance.

Things have changed since that age of ingenuousness,
you’ve made friends with Snigger and Taunt.
Knelt with Insult and Hatred,
prayed for whatever you want.
I saw you bow to Arrogance and Degradation,
heard you whisper to Meanness and Spite.
Watched you get debased with Negation
whilst you slept with Triumph last night.

You’ve been seen handing handouts to Shambles,
playing dice with Revulsion and Lies.
With Doom and Damnation you gambled
whilst Holiness waited outside.
Don’t pretend you don’t know Pretension,
I have proof you were there yesterday
on your knees before Foulness and Derision,
Licking the feet of Decay.

It’s what happens when friends are instrumental.
When torment’s your favourite game
You’re bitter, resentful, judgmental
and happy to spread out the blame.
So, while you dance with Deceit and Venality,
laugh with Perversion and Greed,
take care to watch over your shoulder,
one day it’s a cwtch that you’ll need. I really hop not

Hi pete,
no line by line on this one as that would be churlish Overall, this is a novel and brave effort. To a degree, you pulled it off but with verse this long you must either have a rhyme scheme or not. I got pulled in, appropriately, by S1 and its ABABCDEC.......leanne may have come across this before, I have not, but she will have to be quick...S2 loses it on the AA and it it gets weaker as the piece progresses but just hangs in there . Nonetheless, and churlish I mentioned, you made it. Rhythm is flaky, too, BUT a good idea is always a good idea. Well done, but l would live off the last stanza. Give it an edit for New Year.
Best, tectak
,

Easy answer to your problem, pete. Forget the ryhme....go for prose. As I said, a good idea is a good idea. Poetry which nearly, or nearly always, rhymes is a fail. Poetry which never rhymes is prose. Take your pick.....its your poem.
best,
tectak

[billy]

hi pete
either use a solid rhyme scheme or don't use any if you use rhyme, i'd also suggest using a consistent meter, those are thing you can do your own line by line with. i'd also take a look at the enjambment but again how you would do it depends on rhyme or no rhyme.

I heard you chatting to Mercy and Goodness, and goodness would be a good start to the next line or you could start it with and mercy, leaving and goodness to end the first line.
saw you courting Favour too.
I was told you were playing with Success,
just after you’d kissed Breakthrough.
Seemed like you were running with Blessings,
Elegance, Bravado, Romance,
The world at your feet, nothing to lose
still, you tried teaching St. Vitus his dance. would to, instead of his work better. (less obvious)

Things have changed since that age of ingenuousness,
you’ve made friends with Snigger and Taunt.
Knelt with Insult and Hatred,
prayed for whatever you want.
I saw you bow to Arrogance and Degradation,
heard you whisper to Meanness and Spite.
Watched you get debased with Negation
whilst you slept with Triumph last night.

You’ve been seen handing handouts to Shambles,
playing dice with Revulsion and Lies.
With Doom and Damnation you gambled
whilst Holiness waited outside.
Don’t pretend you don’t know Pretension,
I have proof you were there yesterday
on your knees before Foulness and Derision,
Licking the feet of Decay.

It’s what happens when friends are instrumental. would 'It’s what happens with friends instrumental'.
When torment’s your favourite game
You’re bitter, resentful, judgmental is that the usa spelling or should it be judgemental?
and happy to spread out the blame.
So, while you dance with Deceit and Venality, is 'so' needed?
laugh with Perversion and Greed,
take care to watch over your shoulder,
one day it’s a cwtch that you’ll need. what is cwtch?

it's hard to fault it. the aim of the poem succeeds in getting it's message across and everything else is subjective, or do i mean objective .

i think a good meter would improve an already good poem, it reads like a song and feels it needs that beat that poetic songs have. again i think it should rhyme in order to help the reader dance through it.

thanks for the read.