A Tear Shreds

[DaedricPrince]

In response to the NewTown shooting, I made this.

1...
The darkness reigns in which I cannot explain;
Taking over the bright of the Sun.
To where I see,
I lay on my knees.

2....
Yells, screams, I can't ignore.
I close my ears to stop the roars.
I stand to my feet;
And slowly move away from my seat.

3......
Darkness surrounds me;
For my eyes view to what seems 'bright red'
I close my eyes, remembering my morning bed.
Now a shed of a tear, tends.

4.........
But I follow my fellow friends,
in which run to the light.
I look behind, to see the growing fright,
I run for my life.

5.................
Five. I count to my self.
As I run toward the shining exit,
I can feel all but merit in my veins.
Now I stand before light's beautiful rays.

[KbPoetry]

Hello there! Welcome! I feel that this poem may better be suited for the "mild critique" section of this website. I feel that this piece is not as strong as it could be. I feel that the rhyme is at times very pedestrian and I think that the rhyming is holding this poem back. I think you are limited by trying to find words that rhyme and this allows your poems to fall victim to cliches and abstractions. For example, in the second stanza the action only seems to be happening because you need to find words that rhyme. This makes the poem very vague. If it wasn't for the introduction that you gave us to the piece, I would have no clue what this piece was about. I think you should make the whole piece more specific and that will let the audience fully sympathize with the situation. Good luck with your revisions.

[DaedricPrince]

Hello there! Welcome! I feel that this poem may better be suited for the "mild critique" section of this website. I feel that this piece is not as strong as it could be. I feel that the rhyme is at times very pedestrian and I think that the rhyming is holding this poem back. I think you are limited by trying to find words that rhyme and this allows your poems to fall victim to cliches and abstractions. For example, in the second stanza the action only seems to be happening because you need to find words that rhyme. This makes the poem very vague. If it wasn't for the introduction that you gave us to the piece, I would have no clue what this piece was about. I think you should make the whole piece more specific and that will let the audience fully sympathize with the situation. Good luck with your revisions.

Hello!

The point of a poem is not for it to rhyme. Anyone can make a poem rhyme. The 'key' is to make it come alive.

Yes, there is not a lot of rhyming involved, but that is for a good reason. I don't want the reader to read it like you read other poems. I want my poems to be my own. In it's own pattern. It may not sound as good. But my goal is to make the reader feel it.

Heh. Not strong enough? The reason why there's a mild and serious critique forum is because people want mild or serious reviews. I want serious reviews. It's not strong enough. Why? Because it doesn't go along what you see regularly. That's what I'm aiming at, mate.

[KbPoetry]

Hello!

The point of a poem is not for it to rhyme. Anyone can make a poem rhyme. The 'key' is to make it come alive.

Yes, there is not a lot of rhyming involved, but that is for a good reason. I don't want the reader to read it like you read other poems. I want my poems to be my own. In it's own pattern. It may not sound as good. But my goal is to make the reader feel it.

Heh. Not strong enough? The reason why there's a mild and serious critique forum is because people want mild or serious reviews. I want serious reviews. It's not strong enough. Why? Because it doesn't go along what you see regularly. That's what I'm aiming at, mate.
[/quote]

We are arguing the same point . I think that the rhyme should be eliminated. I think it would make the piece stronger. I think that this poem could be a lot stronger without being held back by the necessity to rhyme. As for a serious critique, I feel this piece is way too vague. You tell us everything. There is no showing in this piece. You don't show us specifics or emotions, you try to tell us about them and I don't think it really works. I know it might sound weird, but if you tell the audience "He is sad.", it wont hold as much emotional presence. Now, if you show us how a person specifically and uniquely handles his own sadness, it will hit us a lot harder. There are also quite a few cliches (overused phrases and ideas) within this piece. I also feel it would greatly benefit from the utilization of metaphor, simile, and other poetic techniques. Good luck!

[tectak]

In response to the NewTown shooting, I made this.

1...
The darkness reigns in which I cannot explain;Does the darkness "reign in" or is this where it rules? The punctuation may be shakey. I cannot tell. Either way, an opening cliche.
Taking over the bright of the Sun.This is a trite and childishly uncomplicated line. I cannnot resist the cry of outlandish cliche. The sun is bright! Sorry. Just not going to hack it. Surely you can see that?
To where I see,What does this mean. One always sees to where one sees. It is impossible to see anywhere else. A nonsense line and not deliberately so.
I lay on my knees.Anatomically comical

2....
Yells, screams, I can't ignore.
I close my ears to stop the roars.
I stand to my feet;
And slowly move away from my seat.You have decided to rhyme things. Why? It cannot be to show you can as you gave up by the next verse. Rhyming is another discipline which if done badly is very easy. Doing it well is a whole lot more difficult. The stanza is confused as you have gone from lying on your knees to sitting, to standing on your feet...as distinct from ears, perhaps. You need to think what YOU are trying to impart and not be content with absurdity. Once you are content with your writing you will NEVER improve.

3......
Darkness surrounds me;Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. OK. You don't care. Ignore
For my eyes view to what seems 'bright red'Is the 'bright red' a kind of upspeak? I know what bright red is. Not a line to remember. You should be aware that eyes do have a tendency to view, so this line says nothing, really.
I close my eyes, remembering my morning bed.A memorable rhyme involving a good deal of thought. Oh god, I am sick of myself. I cannot go on with this. Red, bed, tends(?). In fact, (?).
Now a shed of a tear, tends.Final comment on this line is censored
The rest, I hope, will be ignored by history
4.........
But I follow my fellow friends,
in which run to the light.
I look behind, to see the growing fright,
I run for my life.

5.................
Five. I count to my self.
As I run toward the shining exit,
I can feel all but merit in my veins.
Now I stand before light's beautiful rays.

Hello,
Happy New year. I am going to go easy on this because although it is posted in "serious" there is just not enough competancy to justify its location. Nonetheless, this is how I see it.
First off, you are too contrite and it shows. You must read good poetry to write good poetry. You are trying too hard to be "different" and this is difficult when you appear to be unaware of the diversity of poetry that is all around you. So my first tip would be READ MORE POETRY. Right now, you are the one who goes to the party to show off his "individualistic" pierced nipple only to find that there isn't an unpierced nipple in the place.
If you can rhyme, and you want to rhyme, and you can do it well...do it.
If not... DON'T.....or you will show yourself to be a dilettante.
OK. Now on the subject matter. This is just so generic that it is like listening to a fake clairvoyant trying to find a hook. It could be written about ANYTHING.
Now, if you think I don't know what I am talking about, you should read my attempt at this kind of verse, posted earlier in "serious". It is bloody terrible!!!!!!
BUT, I know it is terrible and I know why.
Keep posting because Damascus Poets often shine the brightest......or they end up blinded by reflection.
Best,
tectak

[tectak]

In response to the NewTown shooting, I made this.

1...
The darkness reigns in which I cannot explain;Does the darkness "reign in" or is this where it rules? The punctuation may be shaky. I cannot tell. Either way, an opening cliche.
Taking over the bright of the Sun.This is a trite and childishly uncomplicated line. I cannnot resist the cry of outlandish cliche. The sun is bright! Sorry. Just not going to hack it. Surely you can see that?
To where I see,What does this mean. One always sees to where one sees. It is impossible to see anywhere else. A nonsense line and not deliberately so.
I lay on my knees.Anatomically comical

2....
Yells, screams, I can't ignore.
I close my ears to stop the roars.
I stand to my feet;
And slowly move away from my seat.You have decided to rhyme things. Why? It cannot be to show you can as you gave up by the next verse. Rhyming is another discipline which if done badly is very easy. Doing it well is a whole lot more difficult. The stanza is confused as you have gone from lying on your knees to sitting, to standing on your feet...as distinct from ears, perhaps. You need to think what YOU are trying to impart and not be content with absurdity. Once you are content with your writing you will NEVER improve.

3......
Darkness surrounds me;Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. OK. You don't care. Ignore
For my eyes view to what seems 'bright red'Is the 'bright red' a kind of upspeak? I know what bright red is. Not a line to remember. You should be aware that eyes do have a tendency to view, so this line says nothing, really.
I close my eyes, remembering my morning bed.A memorable rhyme involving a good deal of thought. Oh god, I am sick of myself. I cannot go on with this. Red, bed, tends(?). In fact, (?).
Now a shed of a tear, tends.Final comment on this line is censored
The rest, I hope, will be ignored by history
4.........
But I follow my fellow friends,
in which run to the light.
I look behind, to see the growing fright,
I run for my life.

5.................
Five. I count to my self.
As I run toward the shining exit,
I can feel all but merit in my veins.
Now I stand before light's beautiful rays.

---

In response to the NewTown shooting, I made this.

1...
The darkness reigns in which I cannot explain;Does the darkness "reign in" or is this where it rules? The punctuation may be shaky. I cannot tell. Either way, an opening cliche.
Taking over the bright of the Sun.This is a trite and childishly uncomplicated line. I cannnot resist the cry of outlandish cliche. The sun is bright! Sorry. Just not going to hack it. Surely you can see that?
To where I see,What does this mean. One always sees to where one sees. It is impossible to see anywhere else. A nonsense line and not deliberately so.
I lay on my knees.Anatomically comical

2....
Yells, screams, I can't ignore.
I close my ears to stop the roars.
I stand to my feet;
And slowly move away from my seat.You have decided to rhyme things. Why? It cannot be to show you can as you gave up by the next verse. Rhyming is another discipline which if done badly is very easy. Doing it well is a whole lot more difficult. The stanza is confused as you have gone from lying on your knees to sitting, to standing on your feet...as distinct from ears, perhaps. You need to think what YOU are trying to impart and not be content with absurdity. Once you are content with your writing you will NEVER improve.

3......
Darkness surrounds me;Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. OK. You don't care. Ignore
For my eyes view to what seems 'bright red'Is the 'bright red' a kind of upspeak? I know what bright red is. Not a line to remember. You should be aware that eyes do have a tendency to view, so this line says nothing, really.
I close my eyes, remembering my morning bed.A memorable rhyme involving a good deal of thought. Oh god, I am sick of myself. I cannot go on with this. Red, bed, tends(?). In fact, (?).
Now a shed of a tear, tends.Final comment on this line is censored
The rest, I hope, will be ignored by history
4.........
But I follow my fellow friends,
in which run to the light.
I look behind, to see the growing fright,
I run for my life.

5.................
Five. I count to my self.
As I run toward the shining exit,
I can feel all but merit in my veins.
Now I stand before light's beautiful rays.

Hello,
Happy New year. I am going to go easy on this because although it is posted in "serious" there is just not enough competancy to justify its location. Nonetheless, this is how I see it.
First off, you are too contrite and it shows. You must read good poetry to write good poetry. You are trying too hard to be "different" and this is difficult when you appear to be unaware of the diversity of poetry that is all around you. So my first tip would be READ MORE POETRY. Right now, you are the one who goes to the party to show off his "individualistic" pierced nipple only to find that there isn't an unpierced nipple in the place.
If you can rhyme, and you want to rhyme, and you can do it well...do it.
If not... DON'T.....or you will show yourself to be a dilettante.
OK. Now on the subject matter. This is just so generic that it is like listening to a fake clairvoyant trying to find a hook. It could be written about ANYTHING.
Now, if you think I don't know what I am talking about, you should read my attempt at this kind of verse, posted earlier in "serious". It is bloody terrible!!!!!!
BUT, I know it is terrible and I know why.
Keep posting because Damascus Poets often shine the brightest......or they end up blinded by their own reflection.
Best,
tectak

[DaedricPrince]

In response to the NewTown shooting, I made this.

1...
The darkness reigns in which I cannot explain;Does the darkness "reign in" or is this where it rules? The punctuation may be shaky. I cannot tell. Either way, an opening cliche.
Taking over the bright of the Sun.This is a trite and childishly uncomplicated line. I cannnot resist the cry of outlandish cliche. The sun is bright! Sorry. Just not going to hack it. Surely you can see that?
To where I see,What does this mean. One always sees to where one sees. It is impossible to see anywhere else. A nonsense line and not deliberately so.
I lay on my knees.Anatomically comical

2....
Yells, screams, I can't ignore.
I close my ears to stop the roars.
I stand to my feet;
And slowly move away from my seat.You have decided to rhyme things. Why? It cannot be to show you can as you gave up by the next verse. Rhyming is another discipline which if done badly is very easy. Doing it well is a whole lot more difficult. The stanza is confused as you have gone from lying on your knees to sitting, to standing on your feet...as distinct from ears, perhaps. You need to think what YOU are trying to impart and not be content with absurdity. Once you are content with your writing you will NEVER improve.

3......
Darkness surrounds me;Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. OK. You don't care. Ignore
For my eyes view to what seems 'bright red'Is the 'bright red' a kind of upspeak? I know what bright red is. Not a line to remember. You should be aware that eyes do have a tendency to view, so this line says nothing, really.
I close my eyes, remembering my morning bed.A memorable rhyme involving a good deal of thought. Oh god, I am sick of myself. I cannot go on with this. Red, bed, tends(?). In fact, (?).
Now a shed of a tear, tends.Final comment on this line is censored
The rest, I hope, will be ignored by history
4.........
But I follow my fellow friends,
in which run to the light.
I look behind, to see the growing fright,
I run for my life.

5.................
Five. I count to my self.
As I run toward the shining exit,
I can feel all but merit in my veins.
Now I stand before light's beautiful rays.

---

In response to the NewTown shooting, I made this.

1...
The darkness reigns in which I cannot explain;Does the darkness "reign in" or is this where it rules? The punctuation may be shaky. I cannot tell. Either way, an opening cliche.
Taking over the bright of the Sun.This is a trite and childishly uncomplicated line. I cannnot resist the cry of outlandish cliche. The sun is bright! Sorry. Just not going to hack it. Surely you can see that?
To where I see,What does this mean. One always sees to where one sees. It is impossible to see anywhere else. A nonsense line and not deliberately so.
I lay on my knees.Anatomically comical

2....
Yells, screams, I can't ignore.
I close my ears to stop the roars.
I stand to my feet;
And slowly move away from my seat.You have decided to rhyme things. Why? It cannot be to show you can as you gave up by the next verse. Rhyming is another discipline which if done badly is very easy. Doing it well is a whole lot more difficult. The stanza is confused as you have gone from lying on your knees to sitting, to standing on your feet...as distinct from ears, perhaps. You need to think what YOU are trying to impart and not be content with absurdity. Once you are content with your writing you will NEVER improve.

3......
Darkness surrounds me;Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. OK. You don't care. Ignore
For my eyes view to what seems 'bright red'Is the 'bright red' a kind of upspeak? I know what bright red is. Not a line to remember. You should be aware that eyes do have a tendency to view, so this line says nothing, really.
I close my eyes, remembering my morning bed.A memorable rhyme involving a good deal of thought. Oh god, I am sick of myself. I cannot go on with this. Red, bed, tends(?). In fact, (?).
Now a shed of a tear, tends.Final comment on this line is censored
The rest, I hope, will be ignored by history
4.........
But I follow my fellow friends,
in which run to the light.
I look behind, to see the growing fright,
I run for my life.

5.................
Five. I count to my self.
As I run toward the shining exit,
I can feel all but merit in my veins.
Now I stand before light's beautiful rays.

Hello,
Happy New year. I am going to go easy on this because although it is posted in "serious" there is just not enough competancy to justify its location. Nonetheless, this is how I see it.
First off, you are too contrite and it shows. You must read good poetry to write good poetry. You are trying too hard to be "different" and this is difficult when you appear to be unaware of the diversity of poetry that is all around you. So my first tip would be READ MORE POETRY. Right now, you are the one who goes to the party to show off his "individualistic" pierced nipple only to find that there isn't an unpierced nipple in the place.
If you can rhyme, and you want to rhyme, and you can do it well...do it.
If not... DON'T.....or you will show yourself to be a dilettante.
OK. Now on the subject matter. This is just so generic that it is like listening to a fake clairvoyant trying to find a hook. It could be written about ANYTHING.
Now, if you think I don't know what I am talking about, you should read my attempt at this kind of verse, posted earlier in "serious". It is bloody terrible!!!!!!
BUT, I know it is terrible and I know why.
Keep posting because Damascus Poets often shine the brightest......or they end up blinded by their own reflection.
Best,
tectak

Alright, thanks! Criticism is always welcome.

Now, to the point. I am not writing in any form of poetic writing. I don't want to write in any form. When you read this, it's terrible because it doesn't make sense. Right? Good. That's how it was meant to be.

I want the reader to use logical thinking in order to figure out the explanation of the poem. Which you would do in other poems.

But anyways, read my other poems! Most of the poems I write are first drafted. So I don't really change em.

[tectak]

In response to the NewTown shooting, I made this.

1...
The darkness reigns in which I cannot explain;Does the darkness "reign in" or is this where it rules? The punctuation may be shaky. I cannot tell. Either way, an opening cliche.
Taking over the bright of the Sun.This is a trite and childishly uncomplicated line. I cannnot resist the cry of outlandish cliche. The sun is bright! Sorry. Just not going to hack it. Surely you can see that?
To where I see,What does this mean. One always sees to where one sees. It is impossible to see anywhere else. A nonsense line and not deliberately so.
I lay on my knees.Anatomically comical1

2....
Yells, screams, I can't ignore.
I close my ears to stop the roars.
I stand to my feet;
And slowly move away from my seat.You have decided to rhyme things. Why? It cannot be to show you can as you gave up by the next verse. Rhyming is another discipline which if done badly is very easy. Doing it well is a whole lot more difficult. The stanza is confused as you have gone from lying on your knees to sitting, to standing on your feet...as distinct from ears, perhaps. You need to think what YOU are trying to impart and not be content with absurdity. Once you are content with your writing you will NEVER improve.

3......
Darkness surrounds me;Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. OK. You don't care. Ignore
For my eyes view to what seems 'bright red'Is the 'bright red' a kind of upspeak? I know what bright red is. Not a line to remember. You should be aware that eyes do have a tendency to view, so this line says nothing, really.
I close my eyes, remembering my morning bed.A memorable rhyme involving a good deal of thought. Oh god, I am sick of myself. I cannot go on with this. Red, bed, tends(?). In fact, (?).
Now a shed of a tear, tends.Final comment on this line is censored
The rest, I hope, will be ignored by history
4.........
But I follow my fellow friends,
in which run to the light.
I look behind, to see the growing fright,
I run for my life.

5.................
Five. I count to my self.
As I run toward the shining exit,
I can feel all but merit in my veins.
Now I stand before light's beautiful rays.

---

In response to the NewTown shooting, I made this.

1...
The darkness reigns in which I cannot explain;Does the darkness "reign in" or is this where it rules? The punctuation may be shaky. I cannot tell. Either way, an opening cliche.
Taking over the bright of the Sun.This is a trite and childishly uncomplicated line. I cannnot resist the cry of outlandish cliche. The sun is bright! Sorry. Just not going to hack it. Surely you can see that?
To where I see,What does this mean. One always sees to where one sees. It is impossible to see anywhere else. A nonsense line and not deliberately so.
I lay on my knees.Anatomically comical

2....
Yells, screams, I can't ignore.
I close my ears to stop the roars.
I stand to my feet;
And slowly move away from my seat.You have decided to rhyme things. Why? It cannot be to show you can as you gave up by the next verse. Rhyming is another discipline which if done badly is very easy. Doing it well is a whole lot more difficult. The stanza is confused as you have gone from lying on your knees to sitting, to standing on your feet...as distinct from ears, perhaps. You need to think what YOU are trying to impart and not be content with absurdity. Once you are content with your writing you will NEVER improve.

3......
Darkness surrounds me;Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. OK. You don't care. Ignore
For my eyes view to what seems 'bright red'Is the 'bright red' a kind of upspeak? I know what bright red is. Not a line to remember. You should be aware that eyes do have a tendency to view, so this line says nothing, really.
I close my eyes, remembering my morning bed.A memorable rhyme involving a good deal of thought. Oh god, I am sick of myself. I cannot go on with this. Red, bed, tends(?). In fact, (?).
Now a shed of a tear, tends.Final comment on this line is censored
The rest, I hope, will be ignored by history
4.........
But I follow my fellow friends,
in which run to the light.
I look behind, to see the growing fright,
I run for my life.

5.................
Five. I count to my self.
As I run toward the shining exit,
I can feel all but merit in my veins.
Now I stand before light's beautiful rays.

Hello,
Happy New year. I am going to go easy on this because although it is posted in "serious" there is just not enough competancy to justify its location. Nonetheless, this is how I see it.
First off, you are too contrite and it shows. You must read good poetry to write good poetry. You are trying too hard to be "different" and this is difficult when you appear to be unaware of the diversity of poetry that is all around you. So my first tip would be READ MORE POETRY. Right now, you are the one who goes to the party to show off his "individualistic" pierced nipple only to find that there isn't an unpierced nipple in the place.
If you can rhyme, and you want to rhyme, and you can do it well...do it.
If not... DON'T.....or you will show yourself to be a dilettante.
OK. Now on the subject matter. This is just so generic that it is like listening to a fake clairvoyant trying to find a hook. It could be written about ANYTHING.
Now, if you think I don't know what I am talking about, you should read my attempt at this kind of verse, posted earlier in "serious". It is bloody terrible!!!!!!
BUT, I know it is terrible and I know why.
Keep posting because Damascus Poets often shine the brightest......or they end up blinded by their own reflection.
Best,
tectak

Alright, thanks! Criticism is always welcome.

Now, to the point. I am not writing in any form of poetic writing. I don't want to write in any form. When you read this, it's terrible because it doesn't make sense. Right? Good. That's how it was meant to be.

I want the reader to use logical thinking in order to figure out the explanation of the poem. Which you would do in other poems.

But anyways, read my other poems! Most of the poems I write are first drafted. So I don't really change em.

No. There is little purpose in reading you.....and less in criticising you. You are already perfect.
Best,
tectak

[Todd]

Alright, thanks! Criticism is always welcome.

Now, to the point. I am not writing in any form of poetic writing. I don't want to write in any form. When you read this, it's terrible because it doesn't make sense. Right? Good. That's how it was meant to be.

I want the reader to use logical thinking in order to figure out the explanation of the poem. Which you would do in other poems.

But anyways, read my other poems! Most of the poems I write are first drafted. So I don't really change em.

Hi,

A couple quick things:

Readers will not spend the time attempting to interpret a poem that lacks clarity. If you wrote it so that it doesn't make sense, honestly, it's a waste of time to read.

More importantly though if you don't look to change your poems then you aren't looking to revise, and you should probably post in Poetry for Fun or Miscellaneous Poetry because revision is the purpose of the critique forums.

[DaedricPrince]

Alright, thanks! Criticism is always welcome.

Now, to the point. I am not writing in any form of poetic writing. I don't want to write in any form. When you read this, it's terrible because it doesn't make sense. Right? Good. That's how it was meant to be.

I want the reader to use logical thinking in order to figure out the explanation of the poem. Which you would do in other poems.

But anyways, read my other poems! Most of the poems I write are first drafted. So I don't really change em.

Hi,

A couple quick things:

Readers will not spend the time attempting to interpret a poem that lacks clarity. If you wrote it so that it doesn't make sense, honestly, it's a waste of time to read.

More importantly though if you don't look to change your poems then you aren't looking to revise, and you should probably post in Poetry for Fun or Miscellaneous Poetry because revision is the purpose of the critique forums.

Hello, sir

Quick note to clarify: No. The point of the forum all together is to extend your skills. To continue creating your world of imaginations with other poems. To understand poetry.

That said, no. I don't want to post in other places. Because? I want serious reviews. Yes, my poems my be of low interest, but I want to know why that is. Kinda sucks though. People don't want to make the writer feel bad, so they choose not to do a serious review.

Anyways. Revision. Blah. The world is filled with tremendous writers. Shakespeare and such. The problem with this world today, is people focus on one thing. One simple thing, and they just won't move on. Creativity, Imagination, and Uniqueness, built this world. Point is, I want to create poems that are different. Not the same as the poems you would see today. Something...different.

So this is just the start of it. The start.

[KbPoetry]

Why would you get a critique if you aren't going to change anything?

I don't think this piece is unique or interesting. I think it is full of overused phrases. Even though you said you want the audience to "guess" at what your poem is about, the poem still isn't valuable in a literary sense. Anyone could have written a poem this vague. There are ways to do deconstructionist poems without writing something that is completely uninteresting. For example, "Daffy Duck in Hollywood" shares your point of view of not wanting the audience to understand, but does it in a way that is interesting.

Here is a link to the poem "Daffy Duck in Hollywood":
http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/16190

I also don't understand why you would tell us what the poem is about in an introduction if you want the audience to figure it out. A poem shouldn't need an explanation for people to understand it.

[brandontoh]

I feel that you're trying to fly when you don't even know how to walk yet. I understand your desire to create something truly unique, something that no one else has done before, but to do that, you need to hone your skills and understand different techniques then apply them to your poetry. The thing about revising your poem here is not to craft a perfect poem, it's to compare and contrast the effect before and after the change, and draw the appropriate lessons from there. What I suggest is for you to read more poetry. The way, at least in my opinion, to create a truly unique poem is to make use of insightful imagery, by associating things that others never think of with something else, and having it make logical sense. So, read more poetry, and figure out what you really mean by "something never done before", because as you are now, I don't think you can answer that question.

Onto the poem itself, you say you want readers to analyse the poem and think about what it means. You want it vague, you want it enigmatic without making it too surreal or abstract. To do that, however, will require a certain amount of hints sprinkled throughout the poem. Hints that when glued together with some brain power will provide a full picture of what you want them to see. This poem has not done that, and I believe that the others have already pointed out the specifics for you.