Posts: 15
Threads: 9
Joined: Dec 2012
She might contrive a Stygian form
Or conjure up a victim’s ears,
Murmuring deep condolences
For any wrong she’s done.
Grasping at catastrophe
I peered around her alleyways
And saw beyond her silences
The lost pavilions of the moon.
In hissing light I couldn’t hide
I couldn’t sleep or freely breathe
So I fraternized with patricide
In the maw of a harpy's cave!
But then I saw behind her mask
Reflected spheres of innocence
And etched around her memories
The lost pavilions of the moon!
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This has a very fantastical feel to it - I like some of the imagery - specifically the "Stygian form", the "maw" and the "spheres" - they create a good link to other tales of myth and legend
Personally, I think this could have said more than it did - it seemed as though you set this up to be a story, rather than just the description that you ended with. But of course, that is just my opinion!
The repetition in this was interesting, and I wanted to know more about the importance that you placed on the pavillions, especially since you ended with an exclamation mark
Overall, I enjoyed this poem, it had a well constructed atmosphere.
Posts: 15
Threads: 9
Joined: Dec 2012
Your critique is very astute. It is a beginning to more poems about the same subject. Thank your for the comments.
(12-30-2012, 01:59 PM)winterborn Wrote: This has a very fantastical feel to it - I like some of the imagery - specifically the "Stygian form", the "maw" and the "spheres" - they create a good link to other tales of myth and legend
Personally, I think this could have said more than it did - it seemed as though you set this up to be a story, rather than just the description that you ended with. But of course, that is just my opinion!
The repetition in this was interesting, and I wanted to know more about the importance that you placed on the pavillions, especially since you ended with an exclamation mark
Overall, I enjoyed this poem, it had a well constructed atmosphere.
