Futility

[smakpopy]

How great our nation is?
Wealth, Knowledge, Military might,
Our scholars the wisest in all the lands.
The gods look down on us with favor.

Who can stand against us?
Our borders secure, we retaliate swiftly,
Against all who oppose us.
Their cities are ash, blowing in the wake of our armies.

What heathens they are?
To think themselves demigods,
Imposing their will, every resource devoted,
Mocking our sovereignty, while exalting their own.

To one end we seek,
The end of our enemies.
Reborn in service for our country,
For our god, toward death we march.

When will there be a victor?
The ancient peoples are gone.
What do you say of them?
Were they not great?

Common people suffer screaming madness,
Voices drowned by the blood-beat of war machines,
churning man into marine. laying waste to all,
Until they are left a husk, a shell, a broken vessel that no longer holds life.

Ending, with the breaking of all things man.

I have made a few changes,
Below is what i began with:

How great our nation is?
Wealth, Knowledge, Military might,
Our scholars the wisest in all the lands.
The gods look down on us with favor.

Who can stand against us?
Our borders secure, we strike back with vengence,
Against all who appose us.
Their cities are ash.

What heathens are they?
To think themselves demigods,
Imposing their will,
Destroying our culture.

To one end we seek,
The end of our enemies.
We are born to die,
For our country, for our god.

When will there be a victor?
The ancient peoples are gone.
What say you of them?
Great were they not?

Common people suffer,
Hidden powers grow,
At the expense of all,
Life on earth.

[Todd]

Hi, here are some comments for you:

I think the title frames the poem well.

How great our nation is?--I like the question mark without it I would read the line incorrectly.
Wealth, Knowledge, Military might,
Our scholars the wisest in all the lands.
The gods look down on us with favor.

While I think the ideas aren't bad, there are a lot of flat statements here. You pass on information without giving us any concrete imagery. Can you describe these ideas more visually?

Who can stand against us?
Our borders secure, we strike back with vengence,--this strike back with vengeance is a bit cliche. Is there a fresher way to say this?
Against all who appose us.--minor typo: oppose
Their cities are ash.--it's the beginning of an image. Can you go deeper than this?

What heathens are they?--inverted syntax is awkward
To think themselves demigods,
Imposing their will,
Destroying our culture.-again a series of flat statements too near the surface. Example Marge Piercy wrote about growing up in Detroit by recounting not only her life but those of the girls she knew. One line near the end was "Girls used like urinals." It's the images that stay with you. Destroying our culture is forgettable. I would encourage you to push yourself more.

To one end we seek,
The end of our enemies.--these two lines have nice phrasing
We are born to die,--again we've heard this before...it's cliche
For our country, for our god.

When will there be a victor?
The ancient peoples are gone.
What say you of them?
Great were they not?--these two lines have the same awkward inverted syntax

Common people suffer,
Hidden powers grow,
At the expense of all,
Life on earth.--again consider pushing yourself more. This feels like (and I mean no disrespect) that you went with the first thing that came to mind.

You have a good idea, and a good title. I think you just need to go deeper with it. I hope the comments are helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Pete Ak]

What a pleasant read! The poem flows nicely and is quirky and I found myself willing it to go somewhere with conviction. This is my problem with it, whilst it's pleasant to read there isn't enough concreteness to get ones hands on. Unfortunately then, the bits that are quirky become annoying and the pleasantness turns to bland. I'm sure if you sacrificed some items from your lists of statements you could introduce more concrete images. I'm not certain about your use of archaic sentence structure because I began to wonder if it was a device you were using to chase rhymes, it clearly isn't so what purpose is served? It doesn't have to read in that old-fashioned way does it? Doing a cliche cull would help this poem sound fresher, I suspect some originality would provide the conviction I wanted on first reading.

[smakpopy]

What a pleasant read! The poem flows nicely and is quirky and I found myself willing it to go somewhere with conviction. This is my problem with it, whilst it's pleasant to read there isn't enough concreteness to get ones hands on. Unfortunately then, the bits that are quirky become annoying and the pleasantness turns to bland. I'm sure if you sacrificed some items from your lists of statements you could introduce more concrete images. I'm not certain about your use of archaic sentence structure because I began to wonder if it was a device you were using to chase rhymes, it clearly isn't so what purpose is served? It doesn't have to read in that old-fashioned way does it? Doing a cliche cull would help this poem sound fresher, I suspect some originality would provide the conviction I wanted on first reading.

The first 2 sections represent the voices of one nation, while the second 2 sections are the voices of an enemy, and the last 2 sections are observations made, possibly by the common person who doesnt have a thing to gain in the struggles of nations.

I changed it to bold, italic, and normal to help give each a different tone or voice. I will give it another pass and see about changing some more.

[Todd]

Comments on your revision:

I like what you did with the ash line. It was a nice expansion of the metaphor.

I've already commented on imagery and syntax.

Addressing these final lines specifically:

Common people suffer, screaming madness,--I like screaming madness. It may be better without the first comma.
Voices drowned by the tumultuous blood-beat,--blood-beat is great as it implies a march toward war. I think the adjective weakens the line though consider cutting tumultuous.
Relentless war machine, turning man into marine,--again relentless weighs the line down and is really not needed to get the feeling across.
Leaving not one man alive, he is man no more.--this line with the syntax and the too telling nature could probably go.

Until no more is man.--not a bad end point if you straighten out the syntax


Again just thoughts to consider.

Best,

Todd