Peace in Prospect

[2onthemap]

[Original version]
That gloomy day
you were betrayed.
That very night
you cried out.
For a hand to pull you up
you reached forth.

You withstood the battle grimacing in pain.
Helplessly you watched peace be slain.
Did the torment diminish in the passing years?
Or did your wounds become infected?
And the newborns you bear in your arms,
will their friendship be rejected?
However long a dark seed may last
don't let the future repeat the past.

When will tragedy break up?
Dreaming and hoping
that the pain will cease tomorrow.
One night we'll wake up
holding hands with peace
and the whole world will follow.

--------------------------------------

[newest version]
You withstood the battle grimacing in pain.
Helplessly you watched peace be slain.
Were your aching hearts replaced by charms?
or did your wounds become infected?
And the newborns you bear in your arms,
will their friendship be rejected?

We'll wake up one night,
holding hands with peace through sorrow.
Our souls will create the light,
that the whole world can one day follow.

[billy]

hi 2

we don't use the polls for poetry. it leads to misuse and stops real feedback

welcome to to the forum.

the 1st stanza feels very weak to start the poem. a suggestion would be to use the 2nd line as the first. ideally you could use some stronger lines with a few images. another point is that it feels very generic. usually the two go hand in hand.

[arbil_poieo]

Welcome 2onthemap!
I really like the title. I enjoyed how there was a light at the end of the tunnel. This has some really good thoughts. I can see the intention with some of the lines, but I think approaching it differently would give the words more strength instead of just knowing it's intent. Like "dreaming and hoping that pain will cease tomorrow."
I don't think you need the first stanza, it's so different from the rest of it and it doesn't give the reader anything new that isn't already in the poem.

I really like "Or did your wounds become infected/And the newborns you bear in your arms/will their friendship be rejected that's direct and has some force.

Overall, I like where you're going with this and I enjoyed reading it.

[2onthemap]

hi 2

we don't use the polls for poetry. it leads to misuse and stops real feedback

welcome to to the forum.

the 1st stanza feels very weak to start the poem. a suggestion would be to use the 2nd line as the first. ideally you could use some stronger lines with a few images. another point is that it feels very generic. usually the two go hand in hand.

Thanks for your reply and feedback. I new so I didn't know that the polls are no go.

---

Welcome 2onthemap!
I really like the title. I enjoyed how there was a light at the end of the tunnel. This has some really good thoughts. I can see the intention with some of the lines, but I think approaching it differently would give the words more strength instead of just knowing it's intent. Like "dreaming and hoping that pain will cease tomorrow."
I don't think you need the first stanza, it's so different from the rest of it and it doesn't give the reader anything new that isn't already in the poem.

I really like "Or did your wounds become infected/And the newborns you bear in your arms/will their friendship be rejected that's direct and has some force.

Overall, I like where you're going with this and I enjoyed reading it.

Thank you so much. I updated the poem after taking all the feedback. If have a moment to spare, please take a look at it. Thanks

[arbil_poieo]

The edit improved it by cutting out the "fat." Like I've told you, it has some good solid lines but to validate them it needs images. The intent is strong, it just needs depth (which I don't know if I can give more critique since it's in novice) I don't know if that makes any sense to you, if not then let me know. These are just suggestions, because like you my poetry is still a working progress so it can be a little overwhelming...so all this is just my opinion.

There's something about this that I like and appreciate.