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Nana creaked around,
filling her world with selflessly,
her eyes brimful of loss
and ancient wisdom.
Two things made her smile,
Love of God and breathing.
Once, in Mass, after Father Charles said something funny,
she slapped her thighs and laughed so hard
she almost ran out of breath.
I remember burying my nose in her plump folds.
Even now, the aroma of freesias
and steamed plum pudding evokes eternity.
She taught me to see where
selfishness and dishonesty
scours the texture of the world
til it gets so thin that
I must take care not to rip it
and let emptiness in.
O r i g i n a l.
Nana creaked her way around,
memoried eyes brimming ancient.
Two things made her smile:
Love of God and breathing.
Tales tippy-tapped from her
butterscotch-syrup lips.
I buried my nose into her folds
and smelled eternity.
She taught me to see
where the world’s texture
is so very, very thin;
That I must take care
not to rip it
and let emptiness in.
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(12-21-2012, 09:33 PM)Pete Ak Wrote: Nana creaked her way around,
memoried eyes brimming ancient.
Two things made her smile:
Love of God and breathing.
Tales tippy-tapped from her
butterscotch-syrup lips.
I buried my nose into her folds
and smelled eternity.
She taught me to see
where the world’s texture
is so very, very thin;
That I must take care
not to rip it
and let emptiness in.
This is one of the finest pieces of terse-verse I have read. The whole thing is an encapsulation of a short time slot....it expands however, upon reading like the unzipping of a compressed file. I can hear Leonard Cohen singing it
Congratulations....this is a nit-free zone.
So as not to be accused of sycophantism only a full stop requires a capital letter following; colon and semi-colon do not.
Many thankss for the read....really most enjoyable.
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(12-21-2012, 09:33 PM)Pete Ak Wrote: Nana creaked her way around,
memoried eyes brimming ancient.
Two things made her smile:
Love of God and breathing.
Tales tippy-tapped from her
butterscotch-syrup lips.
I buried my nose into her folds
and smelled eternity.
She taught me to see
where the world’s texture
is so very, very thin;
That I must take care
not to rip it
and let emptiness in.
I definitely think the strongest parts of this poem are when you give specific details of Nana. The "butterscotch-syrup" lips are my favorite. I would also try to get rid of the couple abstractions, but overall, well done!
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Gosh!! Thankyou both.
Tectac: I'm afraid it's my ancient GCE English which taught me that every line of poetry must start with a capital letter!! I don't apply that 'rule' slavishly but on occasions it feels right... such as here. It's just coincidence that both times here they follow a colon and semi-colon. I'm happy and proud to receive your compliments.
Kb: My apologies but you'll have to explain precisely what you think I should get rid of - the academic details of poetry are lost on me and while understand what 'abstract' means - 'abstraction' in a poem I'm not so clear about.
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A little edit made such a lot of difference to this poem, well done! It is genuinely lovely. To be honest I can't see any problematic abstractions here -- I usually advise against using such general terms as love, soul or spirit (there are a few more as well) except in very specific contexts, but I don't think there's anything here that falls into that category. I do love that you have used rich figurative language instead of literal descriptions (Nana was grey and wrinkly and she smelled funny
)
It could be worse
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(12-21-2012, 09:33 PM)Pete Ak Wrote: Nana creaked her way around,
memoried eyes brimming ancient. this line carries a lot of weight, excellent
Two things made her smile:
Love of God and breathing.
Tales tippy-tapped from her
butterscotch-syrup lips.
I buried my nose into her folds
and smelled eternity.
She taught me to see
where the world’s texture
is so very, very thin;
That I must take care
not to rip it
and let emptiness in.
i'm sure i already left feedback on it
i'm presuming it was on another board coause i see memoried.
if i had a nit it would be to ask if the last line is needed? but it really would be a niggly thing of a nit.
i think yu nailed it on the edit. well done.
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Yes Billy, I posted on the Newbie forum, edited following v useful feedback, yours being v significant and re-posted here. Thanks. (Couldn't possibly omit the last line tho!)
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no probs
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I got lost in this, I could feel and see Nana, no nits what so ever from me, thanks for the read.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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This poem is honestly wonderful and I could not have written it better myself. I felt myself truly indulge it. Very captivating, keep up the good work!
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(12-28-2012, 03:04 PM)xx81510xx Wrote: This poem is honestly wonderful and I could not have written it better myself. I felt myself truly indulge it. Very captivating, keep up the good work!
Please don't leave comments like this in Serious Critique. Although it may be well meant, this is a critique forum -- this sort of thing is fairly generic and could have appeared on any poem/ admin
It could be worse
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Thanks Billy, as you can see, another edit! Hope you can see what I've tried to do and that, for those that have liked it (TimeOnMyHands and xx815xx) it has added to your enjoyment of the poem.
