Two Things Made Her Smile

[Pete Ak]

First post.

Nana creaked her way around,
her memory-filled eyes brimming ancient.
Two things made her smile:
Love of God and breathing.
Tales tippy-tapped from her
butterscotch-syrup lips.
I buried my nose into her folds;
I smelled eternity.
She taught me to see
where the world’s texture
is so very, very thin;
That I must take care
not to rip it
and let emptiness in.

[Leanne]

Pete, this is lovely. The mood is reverential and your control of language is excellent. I especially like "I smelled eternity".

I have very few suggestions. L2 seems a little wordy to me and I'm not sure that "memory-filled" adds anything (it's implied by the rest of the poem really). In L9, I wonder if just "she showed me/ where" might not work?

Other than that, there's a typo on butterscotch and that's pretty much all I've got.

On a side note, you don't have to post in novice first -- if you're ready for heavier critique, you can post in those forums whenever you feel like it.

[arbil_poieo]

This was a thoughtful read. I especially like the last six lines, because to me you were telling about her wisdom and those lines kinda shows the wisdom. It has a sweet tone as an adult looking back with child-like admiration still.
My only critique is that line 2 is long, other than that a really amazing read.

[billy]

hi peter.
i've done a few nana poems so i'm halfway hooked after the first word.
the 2nd line feels a bit wordy, i'd suggest memoried eyes (i know memoried isn't a word but who cares if it has a meaning. )it should be butterscotch. L7, 8, are excellent, though i'm not sure of the 2nd I. L9 feels like filler and i wonder if it's even needed? the last 5 lines feel superb. and give a feel of something very loving. strong poem and lovely to boot. thanks for the read.

First post.

Nana creaked her way around,
her memory-filled eyes brimming ancient.
Two things made her smile:
Love of God and breathing.
Tales tippy-tapped from her
buterscotch-syrup lips.
I buried my nose into her folds;
I smelled eternity.
She taught me how to see
where the world’s texture
is so very, very thin;
That I must take care
not to rip it
and let emptiness in.

[Pete Ak]

Leanne, thanks for the welcome and the complimentary review. I hadn't thought 'memory-filled' was redundant til you pointed it out (and I'm trying hard to master succinctness!). I'll give that some thought defo - perhaps then post it on a more 'advanced' board? I really want to make sure I don't make a dick of myself before parading my wares all over!!
A-P thanks! As you also reckon L2 is too long I am going to have to sort it out. Yes her wisdom is what I wanted to put over but also all the other lovely things that grandmother's seem to be so adept at!!
Billy - if your avatar is meant to arrest - it certainly worked on me! I'm kinda proud of the feedback and maybe a little scared too that it may be downhill all the way from here! 'Memoried' would definitely work for me so serious thought on that one, thanks.

[billy]

Leanne, thanks for the welcome and the complimentary review. I hadn't thought 'memory-filled' was redundant til you pointed it out (and I'm trying hard to master succinctness!). I'll give that some thought defo - perhaps then post it on a more 'advanced' board? I really want to make sure I don't make a dick of myself before parading my wares all over!!
A-P thanks! As you also reckon L2 is too long I am going to have to sort it out. Yes her wisdom is what I wanted to put over but also all the other lovely things that grandmother's seem to be so adept at!!
Billy - if your avatar is meant to arrest - it certainly worked on me! I'm kinda proud of the feedback and maybe a little scared too that it may be downhill all the way from here! 'Memoried' would definitely work for me so serious thought on that one, thanks.

yeah, it's all down hill now, we reel you in then pounce
for most of us we're just please that poets try and be good poets, we're fine if they're learning or not as good as others. the usual state of affairs is, poets improve like fine wine, or turn to vinegar
you'll be okay

[Pete Ak]

This is the edit that I'll present for heavier critique. Thanks all.

Nana creaked her way around,
memoried eyes brimming ancient.
Two things made her smile:
Love of God and breathing.
Tales tippy-tapped from her
butterscotch-syrup lips.
I buried my nose into her folds
and smelled eternity.
She taught me to see
where the world’s texture
is so very, very thin;
That I must take care
not to rip it
and let emptiness in.

[Uncle Vertical]

Wow, that is a wonderful poem! You have, in such a minimal amount of words, really painted a texture of Nana that is so lovable. The line "I burried my nose into her folds" in just a few words lets us know she was definitely not a skinny and brittle Nana and we also learned that you were a young child remembering her. Once again, a wonderful poem. Thanks.

[2onthemap]

This is the edit that I'll present for heavier critique. Thanks all.

Nana creaked her way around,
memoried eyes brimming ancient.
Two things made her smile:
Love of God and breathing.
Tales tippy-tapped from her
butterscotch-syrup lips.
I buried my nose into her folds
and smelled eternity.
She taught me to see
where the world’s texture
is so very, very thin;
That I must take care
not to rip it
and let emptiness in.

memorious (means having an unusually good memory)
memorious eyes brimming ancient.
I thought that has a better sounding tune

[Pete Ak]

This is the edit that I'll present for heavier critique. Thanks all.

Nana creaked her way around,
memoried eyes brimming ancient.
Two things made her smile:
Love of God and breathing.
Tales tippy-tapped from her
butterscotch-syrup lips.
I buried my nose into her folds
and smelled eternity.
She taught me to see
where the world’s texture
is so very, very thin;
That I must take care
not to rip it
and let emptiness in.

memorious (means having an unusually good memory)
memorious eyes brimming ancient.
I thought that has a better sounding tune

Thanks 2... - I'd prefer a real word to the neologism - it sounds better too, so thankyou v. much. Hope you enjoyed the piece notwithstanding(?)

[EAGLES 28]

very well written but could have said butterscotch as sweet as her smile or tip tap like her footsteps
she could have said breathing in gods truth love or not the smell of eternity but the look
gathering of all senses of eternity