Night sky:

[billy]

I'm going to go through the poem a verse at a time so as to make it easier for me to deal with.
edit 1st verse

---

star-shine falls, shimmering
soft against black, an empty back-drop.
Myriad, yet singular in awesome dynasty

Original
Flight of star shine holds my gaze
shimmering in a black back-drop, of velvet softness
myriad yet singular in awesome dynasty

ruling night heavens with majestic charm
lending passion, giving evocation to
soul and thoughts of man on tranquil nights

ever present light of distant pasts
guiding future with eternal illumination
as we, ponder self and unanswered questions

stars; essence of what we are
beauty of what we can achieve
reflection of ourselves in the universal mirror

their brilliance, brought to life by our existence
in their brilliance
we shine with definition

---

one of my 1st poems. I'd like to workshop it but have no clue how too, hence it's in the novice forum.

[Wildcard]

Hi Billy,
   For a starter poem, this is really good. Not the best to critique it, but I'll give it go anyway:

Flight of star shine holds my gaze --shouldn't it be 'star-shine'? it seems you are using it that way'
shimmering in a black back-drop, of velvet softness [b]--'velvet' has been done to death with the night sky (and I've just started reading poetry :p) what about something more originally soft? JMO -- I love black back-drop
myriad yet singular in awesome dynasty

ruling night heavens with majestic charm --great line. love 'majestic charm'; not the shameless quile, but the classy woo
lending passion, giving evocation to
soul and thoughts of man on tranquil nights

ever present light of distant pasts
guiding future with eternal illumination
as we, ponder self and unanswered questions

stars; essence of what we are
beauty of what we can achieve
reflection of ourselves in the universal mirror

their brilliance, brought to life by our existence
in their brilliance
we shine with definition

The last stanza is a weak, though I like the thought. The repetition of 'brilliance' hurts it IMO. How about somethings like (though obviously not)

brilliance, quickened by our essense,
highlights our individuality

. . . or not. Like I said just trying to be helpful

[billy]

thanks mark, i've been trying to sort something out that can be really workshoped. and eventually after posting a few i think this is one that's really in need. that said i'd like to do it a little bit at a time so i don't get too confused...and i don't want to upset leanne by making people do full crits on it
will get back to it later as i'm playing catch up.

[addy]

I enjoyed the read. There were quite a few parts I loved, mainly because I am a nerd and i loved seeing references to visual delay in the night sky due to the speed of light and relativity, and about terrestrial compositions being actually derived from stardust, the "if a tree falls in the forest..." philosophical idea about existence.

There are points where you get too telly ("telly" meaning that you explain things or spell them out, rather than using images that would instead evoke what you are trying to say. It's the difference between saying "I was sad and I cried", versus "my throat filled with seawater"). Once you spot those points, it's not at all difficult or intimidating to come up with imagery... in fact its one of the most creatively satisfying parts of writing a poem, and something that will make the poem uniquely your own if done right. I'll just point out a few of the instances below so you can work on it.

Flight of star shine holds my gaze
shimmering in a black back-drop, of velvet softness
myriad yet singular in awesome dynasty

ruling night heavens with majestic charm
lending passion, giving evocation to how does it arouse passion? How does it evoke? It would be more exciting to hear you describe it
soul and thoughts of man on tranquil nights

ever present light of distant pasts
guiding future with eternal illumination
as we, ponder self and unanswered questions here too, you can rephrase it so you don't spell it out for the reader

stars; essence of what we are
beauty of what we can achieve again this would be more interesting if you describe the idea instead
reflection of ourselves in the universal mirror

their brilliance, brought to life by our existence
in their brilliance
we shine with definition

Thanks for the read

[billy]

I'm going to go through the poem a verse at a time so as to make it easier for me to deal with. (the edits will also be in the 1st post.)
2nd edit including 1st verse:

---

Flight of star-shine, shimmering
soft against black, an empty back-drop.
Myriad, yet singular in dynasty,

evokes passion
in soul and thoughts of man
on tranquil nights

edit 1st verse

---

Flight of star-shine, shimmering
soft against black, an empty back-drop.
Myriad, yet singular in dynasty

Original
Flight of star shine holds my gaze
shimmering in a black back-drop, of velvet softness
myriad yet singular in awesome dynasty

ruling night heavens with majestic charm
lending passion, giving evocation to
soul and thoughts of man on tranquil nights

ever present light of distant pasts
guiding future with eternal illumination
as we, ponder self and unanswered questions

stars; essence of what we are
beauty of what we can achieve
reflection of ourselves in the universal mirror

their brilliance, brought to life by our existence
in their brilliance
we shine with definition

[addy]

OK, comment on first verse edit

Removing "holds my gaze" works well. However, remember that in removing it you have also removed that little bit of action from the scene, action which helped pull the reader in (in other words, the action was a point of interest that made the image dynamic rather than static, and I don't think a static image was your intention with this). Just as a suggestion, how about "Starshine flies, shimmering..."? This is just a thought, though. Otherwise, I like the change

[billy]

i see what you mean. taking your suggestion i will change it but to star-shine falls, what do you think?

[Ca ne fait rien]

Hi Billy
I'm not the best workshopper in the world, but I would like to have a go at it if you don;t mind me practising on your poem.

Firstly subject matter- the night sky is one of those huge emotional things that moves most people to expressions of awe- poets and sunsets. One can tell the first poems we try to write- we always seem to try too hard, use too many big words as if a big impressive thing requires big impressive words, when perhaps if we think of 'Twinkle Twinkle little star,' and Van Gogh's painting, we realise how often simplicity expresses the sublime the best.

star-shine falls, shimmering
soft against black, an empty back-drop.
Myriad, yet singular in awesome dynasty... I would lose 'awesome' ... we know it is awe- inspirng, because that is why you are writing the poem.

Quote:Original
Flight of star shine holds my gaze
shimmering in a black back-drop, of velvet softness
myriad yet singular in awesome dynasty

ruling night heavens with majestic charm ....might consider losng this line altogether
lending passion, giving evocation to.................how about [.lends passion, evokes the soul
soul and thoughts of man on tranquil nights ....................[and thoughts of man on tranquil nights] avoiding repetition of night

ever present light of distant pasts.........}
guiding future with eternal illumination.......} for me, the core of the trope.
as we, ponder self and unanswered questions......how about something like #ever present light of distant pasts
#casts illumunation on uncharted futures
#as we contemplate self and eternal questions
stars; essence of what we are
beauty of what we can achieve
reflection of ourselves in the universal mirror....................lose this line

their brilliance, brought to life by our existence...............#their brilliance
in their brilliance.......................................................#brought to life by our existence
we shine with definition.............................................#shines, refecting us in their universal mirror.


The suggestions have probably destroyed the rhythm of your poem, but I am attempting to find ways of fixing the redundundancies.

Thanks for the invitation to have a go at this sort of thing. I shall not be offended in the least if you disregard it all.

[billy]

thanks steff. i'm thankful, not offended hehe.

working on one verse a a time.
with the 1st, i think you're right about awesome. i'll take that out.


i'm not altogether sure about the passion part because it's one of those words that has a broad meaning. i've done something as a hold while i can figure it out, ideas are welcome of course. i'm busy trying to get the site speeds up, will get back to it when i'm done

[EAGLES 28]

beautifully put  like its arrangement it kind of flows gives alot of hope for us however these are well known things
you could have added some original metaphors like the sun and stars in my lovers eyes or stars like grains of sand
in the vast ocean sky