The Moon

[Eric shelman]

Fiery-red, milky-white, and burnt-orange am I
Circular-fools, neurotic-halves, wise-courters, and sickle-slices shape me
Liquid-masses bow down to me
Extinguishing my counterpart by transforming light into night
Visibility befalls me as I absorb the Sustainer-Of-All's kisses
Ultimate-compass-of-guiding-light am I
Obtainer-of-measures and recorder-of-essence am I
Chaos enlivens all awestruck viewers while in my foolish-state
Shadows piece together my possession
A maternal-nurturer for, a bringer-of-fertility, and an enabler -of-harvest am I
Sharer am I, with the Daughters-Of-Firmament's-Darkness

[billy]

hi eric, while puzzle poems can be fun, in general they feel contrived.

Fiery-red, milky-white, and burnt-orange am I
Circular-fools, neurotic-halves, wise-courters, and sickle-slices shape me
Liquid-masses bow down to me
Extinguishing my counterpart by transforming light into night
Visibility befalls me as I absorb the Sustainer-Of-All's kisses
Ultimate-compass-of-guiding-light am I actually the north star and constellations arei think
Obtainer-of-measures and recorder-of-essence am I
Chaos enlivens all awestruck viewers while in my foolish-state
Shadows piece together my possession
A maternal-nurturer for, a bringer-of-fertility, and an enabler -of-harvest am I
Sharer am I, with the Daughters-Of-Firmament's-Darkness

in general, it feels overly wordy and carries too many I's i'm sure a lot of thought went into the poem and i think therein lays the problem, the contrivance if you will. the thought behind it is too visible to make it work well.
thanks for the read.

[tectak]

Fiery-red, milky-white, and burnt-orange am I
Circular-fools, neurotic-halves, wise-courters, and sickle-slices shape me
Liquid-masses bow down to me
Extinguishing my counterpart by transforming light into night
Visibility befalls me as I absorb the Sustainer-Of-All's kisses
Ultimate-compass-of-guiding-light am I
Obtainer-of-measures and recorder-of-essence am I
Chaos enlivens all awestruck viewers while in my foolish-state
Shadows piece together my possession
A maternal-nurturer for, a bringer-of-fertility, and an enabler -of-harvest am I
Sharer am I, with the Daughters-Of-Firmament's-Darkness

Whatever the reason for writing poetry, and all is opinion, you must make sure that you feel comfortable with your chosen "style". When you are not....it shows. Once you embark on a whim (or on a prayer) you become your own destination. The poem may flourish or it may die with half its life before it. This is premature death and it has happened here. I do not feel comfortable that you are comfortable. Examples. " Extinguishing my counterpart by transforming light into night" Notwithstanding that obscuration rather than transformation is the modus operandi of an eclipse, the rest of the time, surely, night into light.
" Ultimate compass...." I do not think so. You would be wise to use the stars rather than a heavenly body whizzing across the sky!
"Liquid masses bow down to me...." No they do not. They rise up.
These three misplaced untruisms weaken the piece and make the reader mistrust the words. Once mistrust sets in the the only critics who will come to your defence are the those that know less than you........and you would not want that, would you?
Oh, I know that this criticism is probably far removed from the kind you were anticipating......you thought that syntax, rhythm, rhyme scheme, form etc. would be under scrutiny. Well, as you favour hyphenating into hyperventilating and you most certainly are over-adjectival, perhaps you should address these two areas first. Having the words is a starting point...they are the bricks. Unless you build with them and use syntax cement to stick'em together you just have a heap of bricks.
Best,
tectak

[Pete Ak]

Feels as if you're throwing images at us, which from my point of view don't hang together that well. At the end I found myself asking 'so'? What we have is the moon making a series of declarations but with hat intent? Not saying intent is necessary but something is!
On the positive side you can certainly put highly impactful phrases together, a little more thought about how they should be integrated is what's needed.

[Eric shelman]

These are my first attempts at writing metaphysical riddles. I do not appreciate the destructive criticism and over-psycho-analyzitg my poems Billy, and Tectac. Thanks for your comments Pete AK, and destroying my poem.

[arbil_poieo]

The point of putting your poem in Serious are for the members to go line by line with you. They offered constructive criticism to help you improve. If you don't feel comfortable with this type of criticism then post in novice or mild, but don't be discouraged or offended. It's for your benefit so no need to be rude.

[Todd]

Eric you posted in the serious critique forum of a poetry workshop. What exact type of critique were you expecting if the reader did not connect with your poem? What would you have considered acceptable critique?

On any poem i post, I expect both positive and negative reviews. Not everyone is your audience and often poems have flaws. Do you have different expectations?

[billy]

These are my first attempts at writing metaphysical riddles. I do not appreciate the destructive criticism and over-psycho-analyzitg my poems Billy, and Tectac. Thanks for your comments Pete AK, and destroying my poem.

you're reply shows we're doing what we're supposed to be doing, sadly it also shows that you're posting in the wrong part of the forum, and as of yet have not learned the rudiments of honest feedback. that it is one of your 1st attempts was also an observation i made. but that's okay. if you keep with it, at some point you'll come to realize what a good help honest opinions can be. i refused to insult you with lies, you took the time to write it and post it here in serious, the least i could do was show you the decency i try and show others. don't let this open nerve stop you of trying to improve, ><><>< believe it or not, i see more poetential in you than most. you question the feedback. Please don't dismiss it as someone trying to be nasty,

[tectak]

Fiery-red, milky-white, and burnt-orange am I
Circular-fools, neurotic-halves, wise-courters, and sickle-slices shape me
Liquid-masses bow down to me
Extinguishing my counterpart by transforming light into night
Visibility befalls me as I absorb the Sustainer-Of-All's kisses
Ultimate-compass-of-guiding-light am I
Obtainer-of-measures and recorder-of-essence am I
Chaos enlivens all awestruck viewers while in my foolish-state
Shadows piece together my possession
A maternal-nurturer for, a bringer-of-fertility, and an enabler -of-harvest am I
Sharer am I, with the Daughters-Of-Firmament's-Darkness

Whatever the reason for writing poetry, and all is opinion, you must make sure that you feel comfortable with your chosen "style". When you are not....it shows. Once you embark on a whim (or on a prayer) you become your own destination. The poem may flourish or it may die with half its life before it. This is premature death and it has happened here. I do not feel comfortable that you are comfortable. Examples. " Extinguishing my counterpart by transforming light into night" Notwithstanding that obscuration rather than transformation is the modus operandi of an eclipse, the rest of the time, surely, night into light.
" Ultimate compass...." I do not think so. You would be wise to use the stars rather than a heavenly body whizzing across the sky!
"Liquid masses bow down to me...." No they do not. They rise up.
These three misplaced untruisms weaken the piece and make the reader mistrust the words. Once mistrust sets in the the only critics who will come to your defence are the those that know less than you........and you would not want that, would you?
Oh, I know that this criticism is probably far removed from the kind you were anticipating......you thought that syntax, rhythm, rhyme scheme, form etc. would be under scrutiny. Well, as you favour hyphenating into hyperventilating and you most certainly are over-adjectival, perhaps you should address these two areas first. Having the words is a starting point...they are the bricks. Unless you build with them and use syntax cement to stick'em together you just have a heap of bricks.
Best,
tectak

I am sorry if you choose to take offence at what is, after all, mature criticism. As you have not profiled your age it is difficult to know how able you are to appreciate criticism....I know age should not matter but I sometimes feel that posting by very young poets in serious crit can both brave and demoralising. If you are early teens or younger I apologise for the distress......if you are twenty-one or over I apologise for thinking you may be early teens or under. Crit is only possible and/or acceptable if it can be sent and received using an understood protocol. I do not understand what you want from me and so I will not crit any of your work until advised, by you, and then I still may not if I cannot think of anything nice to say.
Best,
tectak