a bottle of wine later

[Lazhar]

the phone doesn't ring
her car isn't parked outside
her voice doesn't sing
she won’t get ready to go out at mine

a couple of glasses of wine later

her perfume is still not present
she is still not around
no footsteps heard
damn it hurts

a bottle of wine later

I give up
I know she won’t come
I know she won’t call
I know she won’t get ready at mine

another bottle of wine later

I wonder why
why doesn't she want me to get her tea ready one last time
why doesn't she want me back
why doesn't she want to make it work
why doesn't she try again

a last bottle of wine

and I feel sick
I rush to the toilets
I piss a river of wine
I look at myself in the mirror
and I finally understand why…

[billy]

hi Lazhar.
you start off okay in the 1st stanza, the 2nd stanza is also pretty solid but then you start to feel a little too wordy.

the phone doesn't ring
her car isn't parked outside
her voice doesn't sing
she won’t get ready to go out at mine

a couple of glasses of wine later is later needed, would it look better italicised?

her perfume is still not present
she is still not around
no footsteps heard
damn it hurts do you need 'hurts' the anger of damn it, shows us it hurts already

a bottle of wine later same comment as before

I give up
I know she won’t come
I know she won’t call
I know she won’t get ready at mine

another bottle of wine later same as above

I wonder why
why doesn't she want me to get her tea ready one last time
why doesn't she want me back
why doesn't she want to make it work are the three middle 'why's' needed?
why doesn't she try again

a last bottle of wine is 'of wine' needed?

and I feel sick
I rush to the toilets would toilet work better?
I piss a river of wine is 'of wine' needed? is 'I' needed?
I look at myself in the mirror is 'I' needed?
and I finally understand why…

mainly it just needs a little bit of excess removing. the poem itself works well. you have some original lines that work well. i'd have likes to have seen a few more poetic devices, an odd metaphor or simile.

thanks for the read.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

How are things mate. In my opinion I like the poem almost as it is. It does what it says on the tin.

A few things I would point out are.
the phone doesn't ring
her car isn't parked outside
her voice doesn't sing
she won’t get ready to go out at mine

a couple of glasses of wine later Maybe lose the later

her perfume is still not present
she is still not around
no footsteps heard
damn it hurts

a bottle of wine later Same again

I give up
I know she won’t come
I know she won’t call
I know she won’t get ready at mine

another bottle of wine later Maybe chang to another bottle gone

I wonder why A comma after wonder and lose the three why's after the first one
why doesn't she want me to get her tea ready one last time
why doesn't she want me back
why doesn't she want to make it work
why doesn't she try again

a last bottle of wine Maybe change to no more wine

and I feel sick Lose the and
I rush to the toilets
I piss a river of wine lose the of wine
I look at myself in the mirror
and I finally understand why… maybe change to and finally I understand

But as I said, I do like the poem. Good job.[/quote]

[TwistedAngel]

agree with the above crits..especially Jae Mcdonnell's ideas on this write

but is a very good poem kinda reminded me of a mate..nicest bloke in the world but turns into a knobhead after a drink..problem is he drinks alot

love the imagery it gives of sitting an brooding

[Todd]

Hi Lazhar, welcome to the site!

A couple comments for you. Your title already does some work so you can scale back the repetitions a bit maybe simply "a couple of glasses", "another bottle" things like that. Maybe on the last repetition something more specific, "the bottle of Pinot I'd saved for us."

While you've got the sense of edgy waiting down, what I'd like is more sensory details that tie us closer to the emotion behind the edginess. Right now the woman is a construct, I'd like more than surface details to bring her to life so that we care that she's not there. The core of the poem is still the narrator is self defeating. His actions keep her away. If you have to tell me damn it hurts and I have to fill in why it might hurt the poem isn't doing enough work in my opinion.

One line: she won't get ready to go out at mine

Does this mean. She won't get ready at my place so that we can go out? I may be missing your meaning but the phrasing seems awkward in context.

I like the idea of the poem. I like the terse delivery. I hope the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

the phone doesn't ring
her car isn't parked outside
her voice doesn't sing
she won’t get ready to go out at mine

a couple of glasses of wine later

her perfume is still not present
she is still not around
no footsteps heard
damn it hurts

a bottle of wine later

I give up
I know she won’t come
I know she won’t call
I know she won’t get ready at mine

another bottle of wine later

I wonder why
why doesn't she want me to get her tea ready one last time
why doesn't she want me back
why doesn't she want to make it work
why doesn't she try again

a last bottle of wine

and I feel sick
I rush to the toilets
I piss a river of wine
I look at myself in the mirror
and I finally understand why…

[Lazhar]

thank you all for your help, will work on it and fix few things!