Week One of Thirds

[aaron]

I'd better get used
to this dark
day murdered
before we even met

descending stars
will the rain clear
there's no clouds
the sun set
minutes ago---Just hours

after I woke
upside down, dormant
waiting for the world to stop.
Then I'll make my move

Grey steel clang!
specifically shaped
various shades of grey
fork-trucks fly by
yellow guard rails

midnight, mundane
country music radio
malicious sadness
blasting three times a night

Long two A.M. eylid sandwich
sputtering infomercial highlights
an otherwise silent room
bad reception, unpaid bills

the final five o'clock
stretch, rush to finish
slowly dragging silence
too tired to articulate

Whistle blows loud
like a train out of track
Drive home-----Surreal
safety vest sunset rise
swallowed by
deep blue abyss of sky

once again eyelids
heavy as bricks
gaze upon love
above blood red tail lights

Colors, elegant as steel rippling
caressing the pavement
purple paint cracks and peels
coloring the dull brown corn field

Glass sparkle explosions fill the
air red spat on the steering wheel
and silence----------

upside down,----dormant
waiting for my world to stop.

[billy]

i used to write all my poems centre aligned, now i never use the function. well maybe in an odd love poem.

I'd better get used is this line needed?
to this dark should the tense be 'that' instead of 'this'? i think the poem starts here, it works by instantly adding tension
day murdered
before we even met

descending stars
will the rain clear is it a question? does it need a ??
there's no clouds
the sun set
minutes ago---Just hours i'd lose the ---'s and drop just hours down to the next line.

after I woke
upside down, dormant
waiting for the world to stop.
Then I'll make my move the tense feel off should it read, 'before i made my move'?

Grey steel clang!
specifically shaped specifically doesn't work, say what the shape is
various shades of grey
fork-trucks fly by
yellow guard rails

midnight, mundane
country music radio
malicious sadness
blasting three times a night

Long two A.M. eylid sandwich eyelid
sputtering infomercial highlights
an otherwise silent room
bad reception, unpaid bills solid stanza, the 1st line is a good image

the final five o'clock
stretch, rush to finish
slowly dragging silence
too tired to articulate another solid stanza.

Whistle blows loud
like a train out of track
Drive home-----Surreal
safety vest sunset rise
swallowed by
deep blue abyss of sky

once again eyelids
heavy as bricks
gaze upon love
above blood red tail lights

Colors, elegant as steel rippling
caressing the pavement
purple paint cracks and peels
coloring the dull brown corn field

Glass sparkle explosions fill the
air red spat on the steering wheel i'd move air up a line and start this one with red.
and silence----------

upside down,----dormant
waiting for my world to stop.

first off, it's pretty solid, some small nits is all i have. the narrative works well enough and the content is pretty solid. a few words doubled up, steel/grey/eyelids wouldn't be hard to change them. some good stanzas that take us through the shift to the finale of the homeward crash.

thanks for the read.

[aaron]

Dude you have no idea how amazing it is to me that you are reading my poetry and telling me what you think!!! i am soooo greatfull for this websites existence! i know what you mean about center align i just thought it would make this poem look cool. thank you for your critique.

[Keith]

I am lovin the re-write
Safety vest sunrise (ace)
Crashing the car after nights is a great way to end, nice work and your additional lines add a lot to the poem. Try to avoid using the same word in conecutive stanza's ie. silent in 6 and 7.