Walking Towards Echoes

[TwistedAngel]

The emptyness inside me
Wos calling out your name
Clarity lost in echoes
Boucing off my walls of shame

Loneliness it drove me
Grail quest to find the one
To find in who's arms I'd fit
That name to whom I belong

In turmoil I became blinded
Ambling down many winding lanes
Ample footpath choices
Destinations all the same

In confusion I wos broken
One name I'd never find
Souls so tattered an well worn
Meandering until the end of time

Tiredness took me over
So rested by an inn
There you stood with arms open
An took me with all my sin

Cleansed an refreshed you made me
I'd been searching for so long
Alas your name it wasn't the one
But now I smile, as I keep on moving on

[benthejack]

I definitely felt this poem!
I guess the ambling/lost search for somebody is well known to most. I really liked the environment that built in my head, especially in the third stanza!

You're asking for serious critique, I'll stretch myself this time and try my best provide something useful

The emptyness inside me I understand this line because it's well used, can you express it more originally/visually?
Wos calling out your name Does an emptiness call? could this be tighter knit with line one? eg(a bad eg but one nonetheless): a vacuum (like in space), desperate to fill with your name
Clarity lost in echoes
Boucing off my walls of shame I loved these lines, well put!

Loneliness it drove me
Grail quest to find the one
To find in who's arms I'd fit
That name to whom I belong This stanza communicates perfectly but tastes a little bland. Can you make the quest seem more... something?

In turmoil I became blinded
Ambling down many winding lanes beautiful image.
Ample footpath choices
Destinations all the same beautiful stanza.

In confusion I wos broken
One name I'd never find
Souls so tattered an well worn
Meandering until the end of time

Tiredness took me over
So rested by an inn I didn't really understand the image of an inn, it stood out and doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the ambiance of the poem. But that could just be me
There you stood with arms open can you express this in a more interesting and original way?
An took me with all my sin

Cleansed an refreshed you made me
I'd been searching for so long
Alas your name it wasn't the one
But now I smile, as I keep on moving on Fantastic ending

[Philatone]

hey twisted!
some thoughts for you, specifically looking at structure

The emptyness inside me...watch your spelling! for an opening, this does not strike me as being fresh enough. people talking about voids is relatively common; can you make it stronger?
Wos calling out your name...again, check spelling (who is)
Clarity lost in echoes
Boucing off my walls of shame

Loneliness it drove me..don't need to repeat the subject (could drop the "it"). it makes the structure feel a bit formal and stiff
Grail quest to find the one
To find in who's arms I'd fit...this line and one above repeat some ideas; perhaps they could be combined?
That name to whom I belong..."that name to whom I" is a bit clunky to read. the sounds are not too pleasant

In turmoil I became blinded....but what turmoil? there is a sense of distress in the piece, but the cause is nowhere. it makes it harder for me to connect to
Ambling down many winding lanes...something in this line feels like excess. the "down"? "many"? one could be chopped
Ample footpath choices
Destinations all the same

In confusion I wos broken...again, spelling
One name I'd never find
Souls so tattered an well worn ...and?
Meandering until the end of time...this line feels like it is a couple of syllables too long to really fit

Tiredness took me over
So rested by an inn
There you stood with arms open
An took me with all my sin

Cleansed an refreshed you made me
I'd been searching for so long
Alas your name it wasn't the one
But now I smile, as I keep on moving on

right now, each stanza strikes me as being dangerously independent. that means that the transition from beginning to end is lacking to some degree. without a transition, the whole poem feels like it is in a constant start-stop-start-stop motion. making sure that each stanza is clearly connected to the last and is crucial to the rest of the poem will work wonders for the piece. I hope this can help

[tectak]

The emptyness inside meCliched beginning but offset by mis-spelling!
Wos calling out your nameHorrible line in isolation. I can only suggest that you re-write it. It is a let-down line and unworthy of you
Clarity lost in echoesNice line indicating real perception. This and the next line work well.
Boucing off my walls of shameAgain...watch the spelling as it detracts from the piece....as does the unestablished rhythm. Just post-haste editing I guess.

Loneliness it drove me Yoda-esque with strange personification of psychological state...not a bad thing if deliberate but is it? We shall see.
Grail quest to find the oneSomething missing here. "....it drove me grail quest to find the one" Huh?
To find in who's arms I'd fit
That name to whom I belongAgain, there is a completeness in each stanza which fails to smoothly lead in to the next. It makes for an over-the-sticks ride which is not fitting.

In turmoil I became blinded
Ambling down many winding lanes
Ample footpath choices
Destinations all the sameThis stanza is very flaky rhythmically. I know you know how to put it right....read aloud.

In confusion I wos brokenNot convinced by the sparce vernacular as do not believe anyone really thinks that WAS is spelled WOS. If deliberate....it does not help
One name I'd never find
Souls so tattered an well wornI hope I was right but "...AN well worn " is giving me shivers
Meandering until the end of timeHuge cliche....notworthy

Tiredness took me over
So rested by an inn
There you stood with arms open
An took me with all my sinVery trite and simplistic nursery rhyme stuff. An Agony Aunt may publish this verse but I just cannot stomach it. Honest comment take it or leave it

Cleansed an refreshed you made meImpregnated tissue works just as well. D after an or I will scream.
I'd been searching for so long
Alas your name it wasn't the one
But now I smile, as I keep on moving on The lonesome cowboy rides off into the sunset. Omit this verse as it adds nothing to a small sum total. Not your best but no one ever is
[/quote]

I felt cheated throughout this piece. It just seemed to fail so deliberately in each stanza that I could not help but feel that if this was so, it could be salvaged very easily. In the round, though, I was left in need of radar...scanning around for the good ship Reason, which never appeared.
tectak

[TwistedAngel]

wow i been well an truly spanked for this lol..actually i just KNEW that first line would be hated
should have deffo spent more time on it ..an spell checked it pfft

thanks guys..am off for a long hard think an see if anything is salvageable

[rowens]

The emptyness inside me
Wos calling out your name
Clarity lost in echoes
Boucing off my walls of shame

Loneliness it drove me
Grail quest to find the one
To find in who's arms I'd fit
That name to whom I belong

In turmoil I became blinded
Ambling down many winding lanes
Ample footpath choices
Destinations all the same

In confusion I wos broken
One name I'd never find
Souls so tattered an well worn
Meandering until the end of time

Tiredness took me over
So rested by an inn
There you stood with arms open
An took me with all my sin

Cleansed an refreshed you made me
I'd been searching for so long
Alas your name it wasn't the one
But now I smile, as I keep on moving on

The better your spelling gets, the more out of place your "wos" and "an" appear. You write some words the way you pronounce them, and write others the way you see them written. But I've never heard you speak, so I'm not sure if that's so. "Emptyness" slips by with your "wos". The only real mistake I see is "who's" in place of "whose".
I think if you try to break out of the sing-song rhyming rhythm, and try many other words and ideas instead, it might open new paths to new understandings, and make a better poem.

[xx81510xx]

You definitely have a way with words and you know.how to use them although I'd suggest you work on making it flow. Its things like conjunctions and transitions that keep your poem from reaching full potential ex. " Loneliness it drove me Grail quest to find the one" if the words were tied together in a sense this could make for a great couple of lines however it sounds a bit off. Run through it a few times using these pointers and you'll improve immensely! (:

[tectak]

wow i been well an truly spanked for this lol..actually i just KNEW that first line would be hated
should have deffo spent more time on it ..an spell checked it pfft

thanks guys..am off for a long hard think an see if anything is salvageable

AND spell check it goddammit!!!!

[TwistedAngel]

kk is a bit late in coming but i kinda been busy...writting letters to all the nawty kids telling em why santa aint gonna visit

Within a cavernous void inside me
I heard a voice that cried a name
It's clarity lost in echoes
Boucing off my walls of shame

My loneliness it drove me
A pilgrimmage to find the one
To seek in whose arms I'd fit
That name to whom I belong

No chart or compass for guidance
Ambling lost in many a winding lane
So varied footpath choices
Destinations all the same

Stumbling in confusion
One name I'd never find
Like the messiah in the desert
Wondering without a hopeful sign

Weariness took me over
Sheltering at a roadside inn
The landlord with arms open
Took me with all my sin

Cleansed and refreshed he made me
Alas his name it wasn't the one
I set upon the road again
But now I smile at a memory

As I keep on moving


is still a long way from being even nearly finished but am hoping its going in the right direction..for meself i really dislike the first line..pfft