Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
Wax me a rainbow
paint it black
scratch out a firework
name on the back
fridge face sunshine
office wall flowers
colour me a garden
kept quiet for hours
When felt tips have dried
and chalks turned to dust
inks stained your pocket
In Crayons we trust
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 27
Threads: 15
Joined: Dec 2012
Fantastic! Love it.
the second verse breaks the rhythm quite a bit (the comma in the second line is unnecessary and made me lose track of things, and the third line breaks the stress pattern), but a part from that this is totally awesome.
Thanks!
If something happens and you can remedy it, Why worry?
And if something happens that you can't remedy, Still why worry?
www.benjack.co.nz
Posts: 109
Threads: 11
Joined: Jul 2012
This gave me flashbacks to my childhood when I had over a hundred crayons and pretty much all of them were broken.
I like the line "wax me a rainbow" a great first line. This was brilliant.
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(12-04-2012, 07:42 PM)benthejack Wrote: Fantastic! Love it.
the second verse breaks the rhythm quite a bit (the comma in the second line is unnecessary and made me lose track of things, and the third line breaks the stress pattern), but a part from that this is totally awesome.
Thanks!
I agree, have had another go, thanks for the comment
(12-05-2012, 01:19 AM)arbil_poieo Wrote: This gave me flashbacks to my childhood when I had over a hundred crayons and pretty much all of them were broken.
I like the line "wax me a rainbow" a great first line. This was brilliant.
Thanks for your kind comments
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
just a heads up...this is the for fun forum guys. no critique unless asked for. other than that general feedback is fine.
great little poet tomh the 1st and last line work perfect in tandem with each other and the lines between are good as well.
Posts: 10
Threads: 7
Joined: Dec 2012
I like how you treat the object as it is in a class of it's own, how you can depend on it when all others fail. Much like a close friend.
Posts: 27
Threads: 15
Joined: Dec 2012
Hey I love the new 2nd stanza! Its fantastic
(although did you mean quiet instead of quite?)
If something happens and you can remedy it, Why worry?
And if something happens that you can't remedy, Still why worry?
www.benjack.co.nz
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(12-19-2012, 05:38 AM)benthejack Wrote: Hey I love the new 2nd stanza! Its fantastic
(although did you mean quiet instead of quite?)
Dow, them I's and E's have me on my knees thanks for the crit. TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
I enjoyed reading your poem very much! I used to absolutely love make firework pictures with black over crayons - takes me back for sure. And a very clever last line, especially with the capitalization of the word Crayons, nice piece!
Posts: 212
Threads: 31
Joined: Jan 2013
Oh wow nice poem. =D I really like it. Captures the thoughts of a child using crayons so well!
Back!
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(01-29-2013, 01:40 PM)lavashine Wrote: I enjoyed reading your poem very much! I used to absolutely love make firework pictures with black over crayons - takes me back for sure. And a very clever last line, especially with the capitalization of the word Crayons, nice piece!
Very sorry lavashine, I some how missed your post, yes them firework pictures stuck with me too, I doubt that schools do them now, too much trouble. In fact I think I'll do one tonight
TOMH
(01-29-2013, 03:39 PM)brandontoh Wrote: Oh wow nice poem. =D I really like it. Captures the thoughts of a child using crayons so well!
brandontoh
thank you for your kind words, much appreciated. TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
