I Almost Forgot

[arbil_poieo]

Its been awhile since I've posted anything new, so here it goes..

It's too early
It's so close.
Memory bothers
when life refuses
to appear today.

As dwelling seems
so little when it
has exhausted all
it's sentiment.

It's okay to worry,
to plead for this attention;
when feeling is at a slow pace
as the world expands.

In every sentence-
mute. Desperate
to hold your hand,
to be allowed-envying
everything that misses you.

Keep your composure.
Inevitable, but he's worthy
for healing but grieving
as he vanishes and
takes his life with him.

With a nearby grave
as a saving life, saved for him.
Death has a better memory of life,
As we push to out live.
We forget before the end
and death seems the best remainder.

So burying cannot be forgotten,
but memory seems lonely.

Unprepared for forever,
when I didn't feel the ending yet.
I didn't know life until you,
until the end-your end

expecting something more.
This is my only memory,
with regret of not knowing
I forgot to say I love you.

[Philatone]

hello arbil!

i may be taking these lines a bit too literally; with that in mind...

It's too early...maybe some punctuation to end this line?
It's so close.
Memory bothers ...like this idea, the power given to memory
when life refuses..in some ways, i'm left wanting something more specific than "life". it would give me something to attach to; life doesn't have much meaning here
to appear today.

As dwelling seems ...for me, the line is awkward. Maybe the "As" would fit better as an "A"
so little when it
has exhausted all
it's sentiment....
"its" for "it's". again, the stanza leads up to this image which felt a bit flat to me. evoking something I can actually imagine would give me a stronger impact than just stating "sentiment"

It's okay to worry,
to plead for this attention;...the "this" I'm struggling to connect to anything. what attention? on another note, is the semicolon necessary?
when feeling is at a slow pace
as the world expands.

In every sentence-...the "In" didn't fit right to me; could the line start with "Every"?
mute. Desperate
to hold your hand,
to be allowed-envying
everything that misses you....like the idea of this line

Keep your composure.
Inevitable, but he's worthy
for healing but grieving..."for" or "of"? or even: "...but he's worth/ healing"
as he vanishes and
takes his life with him....a lot happens in this stanza. there are a number of missing subjects, which makes the actions unclear a bit for me. the repetition of "but" didn't do much for me.

With a nearby grave
as a saving life, saved for him.[b]...the idea of a grave saving a life or being compared to one is interesting, i'm not entirely convinced by it. "Saving" as in "marking/containing/ preserving"?
Death has a better memory of life,
As we push to out live...."outlive"?
We forget before the end
and death seems the best remainder.

So burying cannot be forgotten, ...need the "So"?
but memory seems lonely.

Unprepared for forever,
when I didn't feel the ending yet.
I didn't know life until you,
until the end-your end ....struck me as a bit too dramatic with the dash and repetition

expecting something more.
This is my only memory,
with regret of not knowing
I forgot to say I love you.... i may be wrong, but this strikes me more as a line that you just had to include. The structure is very different from what came before. I kind of liked how the poem stayed away from /I/ for such a long time; seeing it included in the last two stanzas took something away from the piece for me. I wish I had a stronger sense of place in the piece; I see graveyards and houses, but not very clearly. when dealing with life and death, it would be nice to be grounded. some good ideas overall, but i think the writing can still be a bit tighter ...

[Todd]

Hi Ash,

I think you have a good poem in here, but given the content I want a more halting quality to the read--which could just be me. I'm going to suggest some fairly radical paring down or shifting. It's possible that I'll cut something you feel is crucial, if that happens just consider it my take and put it back. Here goes:

First the title is I almost forgot and you end with I forgot. I can see how this could work, but it mostly seems to be a disconnect.

Its been awhile since I've posted anything new, so here it goes..


It's too early
It's so close.
Memory bothers
when life refuses
to appear today.

As dwelling seems
so little small when it
has exhausted all
it's sentiment
It's okay to worry,
to plead for this attention;
when feeling is at a slow pace
as the world expands.

In Every sentence-
mute. Desperate
to hold your hand,
to be allowed-envying
everything that misses you.

Keep your composure.
Inevitable, but he's worthy
for healing but grieving
as he you vanish and
take his your life with him you.

With a nearby grave
as a saving life, saved for him.
Death has a better memory of life,
As we push to outlive.
We forget before the end
and death seems the best remainder.

So Burying cannot be forgotten,
but memory seems lonely.

Unprepared for forever,
when I didn't feel the ending yet.
I didn't know life until you.
until the end-your end

expecting something more.
This is My only memory
with is My regret of not knowing
of you not knowing
my love
I forgot to say I love you.

So, a bit radical I know. I added a few minor things, but mostly just cut. Probably, too much but for me that's what stood out. I hope it's helpful. I did like the bones of the poem.

Best,

Todd

[arbil_poieo]

Hey Philatone, I agree it does need more grounding and some more insight. Some of it is suppose to be literal and some not. Thank you for reading and for your feedback. Extremely helpful.

Hey Todd, There is one line you crossed out that I feel that I need for the poem, but the rest I can live without. Don't worry about being too radical it's helpful. It's an old poem so with feedback I can approach it differently. Yeah, I suck at titles, have to think of another. Thank you for liking my bones and for your feedback.

[penguin]

Its been awhile since I've posted anything new, so here it goes..

It's too early
It's so close.
Memory bothers
when life refuses
to appear today.

As dwelling seems - A dwelling makes more sense
so little when it
has exhausted all
it's sentiment. - its sentiment?

It's okay to worry,
to plead for this attention;
when feeling is at a slow pace - nice line
as the world expands.

In every sentence- - I'd prefer something like "In every muted sentence"
mute. Desperate
to hold your hand,
to be allowed-envying
everything that misses you. - "envying everything missing you" would have some ambiguity

Keep your composure.
Inevitable, but he's worthy
for healing but grieving - don't care for this repetition of "but"
as he vanishes and
takes his life with him.

With a nearby grave
as a saving life, saved for him.
Death has a better memory of life, -3 "lifes" in 4 lines is too many
As we push to out live. - not clear to me what you're saying
We forget before the end
and death seems the best remainder. reminder?

So burying cannot be forgotten, - nice line
but memory seems lonely.

Unprepared for forever,
when I didn't feel the ending yet.
I didn't know life until you,
until the end-your end

expecting something more.
This is my only memory,
with regret of not knowing
I forgot to say I love you.

For what it's saying the poem seems very long and could be clearer and more concise.

[arbil_poieo]

Hey Penguin,
Yea I was thinking the same as I was typing it, but I wanted to get other people's opinion as to what to get rid of and keep. Thank you so much for your feedback.