Fisherman's Friend

[HenryKyte]

Terrifying.
The treacherous hold the long-lines,
reeling in meals with their freak fury,
and bold coastal madness.
Aspects all spell spaciousness,
an alien tenor, tumultuous.
These greetings, rough and granulated,
cursing pleasant public phobias by way of nature.
He scrubs up rather badly,
the evil’s in his soul,
embalmed with cheap whiskey eponyms,
and the laughter of those of peer.
His facial hair, gritty unsophisticated,
like his soiled hotel mattress.
His desires keep him from the deep.
He speaks great talk with his fish.

[Todd]

Hi HenryKyte, Welcome to the site!

A couple comments below, hopefully they'll be helpful to you:

Terrifying.--I don't think this single word is strong enough to hold the first line.
The treacherous hold the long-lines,--This one though could probably be a good first line.
reeling in meals with their freak fury,--Do you need their here? I like the internal rhyme and alliteration of this line. I love freak fury
and bold coastal madness.--I also like the phrasing of bold coastal madness. It sets the fishermen up as a separate species or an obsessed subculture.
Aspects all spell spaciousness,--Aspects all spell comes off a little awkward to me, a bit vague. I like the idea that spaciousness inserts but not the lead up to it in this line.
an alien tenor, tumultuous.--You've got a lot of modifiers in these next few lines. I think if one can serve it would probably tighten and strengthen the piece. In this line a tumultuous tenor may be enough. Just a thought.
These greetings, rough and granulated,--Here maybe These granulated greetings
cursing pleasant public phobias by way of nature.--you could almost just go with phobias here without the two modifiers. Since your about to draw the focus onto one individual maybe a strophe break here (optional of course)
He scrubs up rather badly,--I like the shift to the person
the evil’s in his soul,--maybe a strong image here to set the idea rather than stating it
embalmed with cheap whiskey eponyms,--that's cool. I like that I think ah Jack Daniels, Jim Beam with eponyms--great word
and the laughter of those of peer.
His facial hair, gritty unsophisticated,--again just an opinion: perhaps condense Gritty facial hair.
like his soiled hotel mattress.--Great simile
His desires keep him from the deep.--I don't think you need His here. I also think you may want to flip these last two lines and end on this one.
He speaks great talk with his fish.

Good poem. I enjoyed the read. Again, hope the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[arbil_poieo]

Welcome!

I thought this was great, I thought you described the fisherman well with a lot of good words.

Just a couple suggestions:
I think the 2nd line is stronger and would make a good first line, a sort of just diving into the narrative without the one word setup that you have already.

Instead of saying the evil's in his soul which is kinda cliche line maybe state what evil, like maybe describe the evil

The mattress and the facial hair bit was brilliant, I loved how you made that connection.

This really gives the reader a pretty good feel of this man's character and also his appearance without giving out too much information.

A really good read.

[penguin]

I like the last 8 lines very much, though I think "He talks great speak with his fish" would be better.By "those of peer" you mean those his peers?
I like reeling in meals and bold coastal madness.
I make little of this:
These greetings, rough and granulated,
cursing pleasant public phobias by way of nature

and you can have too much sibilance -
Aspects all spell spaciousness

[HenryKyte]

Thanks for all the feedback. I am new to writing poetry but it has always been a keen interest of mine (I usually write in narrative form). The critiques offered are insightful and very helpful.