Snowmen

[penguin]

The children flew
and snow-hush fell
upon stone
and by morning

the soft tattoo
of feet on felt
froze
pitter-patter meaning.

He bends and raises
replicas
remembrance
of past faces.

Shovels, brushes,
signatures;
dismembered
masterpieces.

[arbil_poieo]

"The soft tattoo
of feet on felt
froze
pitter-patter meaning."

Beautiful image!

My new favorite winter poem. It isn't too wordy and the images themselves seem pure and whimsical like snow falling.

To be honest with you, I'm not going to be much help because I don't see anything wrong with it.

[Keith]

The children flew I can see the kids excitment because its snowing but this doesnt work for me I would start with clouds ?
and snow-hush fell
upon stone
and by a morning great opening, captures the quiet of fresh snow

the soft tattoo
of feet on felt Great words I can hear the snowy squeak
froze
pitter-patter meaning.

He bends and forges interesting contrast of hot metal work
replicas
in remembrance
of past faces. I would be lost without the title but thats me

Shovels, brushes,
signatures;
dismembered
masterpieces. nice ending the carnage of such creativity and toil

only nit is first line, I dont feel it. the rest is great and you capture the essence of curtains drawn back to fresh fallen snow in seven delightful lines, thanks. TOMH

[Todd]

Hi penguin,

This is good. Comments below:

The children flew
and snow-hush fell
upon stone--love these first three lines. snow-hush fell is just awesome.
and by a morning--I want to cut the "a" here

the soft tattoo
of feet on felt--again wonderfully evocative language best use of tattoo I've seen to express the frozen footprints. I also like the use of felt and the alliteration throughout
froze
pitter-patter meaning.--again such great sonics with pitter-patter

He bends and forges--forges feels like the wrong word since it implies heat to me
replicas--I'm on the fence of whether you can live without this word
in remembrance
of past faces.

Shovels, brushes,
signatures;
dismembered
masterpieces.

Evocative poem. I enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

The children flew
and snow-hush fell a great line, it's like an image of a white muffler
upon stone
and by a morning good opening stanza, is 'a' needed in this line?

the soft tattoo
of feet on felt
froze
pitter-patter meaning. wasn't sure how to take meaning

He bends and forges who is He?
replicas
in remembrance
of past faces.

Shovels, brushes,
signatures;
dismembered
masterpieces.

i would have liked to have seen more of the snowmen. but other than that i enjoyed it. some good sounds going on in the poem and some good images.

thanks for the read.

[penguin]

Thanks for the comments.A lot of people have applauded the sonics and rhythm, hardly anyone understands it! So that's my problem.
I agree about "forges" and replaced it with "raises". I've removed "a" before morning.
I have the opening 2 verses how I want them, really, not the rest, though.

[Todd]

Would it help to do a walk through saying, here's how I interpret this, and do a careful line-by-line? It's not a long poem.

[penguin]

Would it help to do a walk through saying, here's how I interpret this, and do a careful line-by-line? It's not a long poem.

Thanks for the offer, Todd, but I'll leave this one awhile for now. Put it on ice - hah!

[Todd]