It started as a riot

[queklain909]

I wrote this to be spoken word, or like a post hardcore style song.
So just keep that in mind.

What petty angry words we use when we don't know what to say.
What sad lives we live just trying to fill our lungs from day to day.
We are failed attempts at expression, just mistranslated into depression.
And I'm becoming speechless, but really I'm screaming until I'm breathless.

Gasping and gasping at anything around me, I can't steady my breathing.
Open your eyes, open my eyes. I'm sick of the darkness.
Drowning in this sea of sorrow, Moses couldn't part this.
So I'm stuck filling these lungs just to stay a float, I'm sick of trying to cope.


Exhale. The light fades as I begin to sink, as I begin to drink.
And I really do feel like I'm walking around blind again these days.
People fade, faces fade, memories fade, but this feeling won't fade.
And like God, I begin to fear what I have made.

Breathe me in my dear, let me fill your lungs.
If you'll be my vessel, I'll find you find a coast where we can rest.
Where we don't have to fear all this around us, where you can lay your head on my chest.
And if you can hear my heart beat then I promise it will always beat.

For you.

If you can hear my words, I'm sure I would know what to say.
But my words are drifting pass you as if you're dreaming, hence the screaming.
I don't how long until the of lack of words stops my breathing.
I grow dead like this season. And I hope for spring.

And thankfully I'm not hopeless yet, but I'm getting scared and scarred.
We're all just people trying to figure out who we are. And who are you?
And is that true? Half the time I'm not sure if I know anything at all.
But that's progress stalling, and we have no time for that.

Because we can't move on if we can't build up, and I have dreams like castles.
Stone hard and never coming down, but places like this get lonely by yourself.
But everyone needs shelter. I'm screaming help her! Help her! But I'm thinking help me!
Because you see I have no castle, because I still have scars and fear to mend.

I'll be your savior if you'll be my purpose. My heart is forever in your service.
And I only ask for you to be there. And I understand you're scared.
But did you hear that? I swear I heard a faint sound. And now I can't silience it.
I hear your heart beat and I wonder if it will always beat.

For me.

[TwistedAngel]

unfortunatley am not good enough to give this a 'serious' critique..soz

i did like the first 2 stanzas, they flow well an drew me in..loved the line "Moses couldn't part this"

4th stanza 2nd line "If you'll be my vessel, I'll find you find a coast where we can rest" might be me being thick..but it don't read right to me ..the "I'll find you find a coast..." bit

an the last line of the same stanza "And if you can hear my heart beat then I promise it will always beat." to use the word 'beat' twice in the same line didn't work for me that well

overall am not sure its all that 'hardcore' i like the soft sentiment it has..but is a little confusing how you offer to help this girl when you cant help youself ? surley in a way your both each others saviour and purpose

sorry i cant say more but i do like where its generally going is deffo an intresting read

[Todd]

Hi queklain909, welcome to the site!

Well here's the thing with spoken word, if you're good in front of a crowd than you can sell just about anything. Going under the assumption that the stronger the written piece is the more you have to work with, I'll give you some comments.

I will however modify them a little bit since I think you can get away with more with spoken word. Here goes:

I wrote this to be spoken word, or like a post hardcore style song.
So just keep that in mind.

What petty angry words we use when we don't know what to say.Not a bad opening line. I think in general modifiers weigh down a line. Is either petty or angry stronger? If so use the stronger word. Or chose something that encompasses both. The thing to be careful with is you're still not drawing pictures in people's minds here with imagery...Think of how you can show this rather than just say it. Like I said, it's not a bad initial line, but if it were more sensory or visual it would be more memorable.
What sad lives we live just trying to fill our lungs from day to day.
We are failed attempts at expression, just mistranslated into depression.
And I'm becoming speechless, but really I'm screaming until I'm breathless.--What I get with these lines is a lot of nice internal rhyme, but again not much concrete imagery.

Gasping and gasping at anything around me, I can't steady my breathing.--again one step further think of asthmatics, people drowning, being buried alive one shovel full at a time. Turn people's ears into eyes. You're close here just secure the gasping with some image
Open your eyes, open my eyes. I'm sick of the darkness.
Drowning in this sea of sorrow, Moses couldn't part this.--the Moses line is cool. The drowning in this sea of sorrow is a little too melodramatic. I think you can do better. However, one thing that is imagery. This line is still more memorable because you set it within an image. Even though I know I critiqued the sea, I think you need more of this in the poem
So I'm stuck filling these lungs just to stay a float, I'm sick of trying to cope.--I like that you keep going with the sea imagery with the lungs and the floating. I don't thing I'm sick of trying to cope adds anything much.


Exhale. The light fades as I begin to sink, as I begin to drink.
And I really do feel like I'm walking around blind again these days.--you can cut I really do, it's filler
People fade, faces fade, memories fade, but this feeling won't fade.
And like God, I begin to fear what I have made.--little too vague here

Breathe me in my dear, let me fill your lungs.--solid, good line. Maybe rebuild the entire thing around this floating drowning imagery and see where it takes you. Just a thought
If you'll be my vessel, I'll find you find a coast where we can rest.--this would probably work better if you cut "you find"
Where we don't have to fear all this around us, where you can lay your head on my chest.--your pacing would probably improve if you cut the first part and just went with "where you can lay your head on my chest"
And if you can hear my heart beat then I promise it will always beat.

For you.

If you can hear my words, I'm sure I would know what to say.
But my words are drifting pass you as if you're dreaming, hence the screaming.--instead of my words maybe they drift past you...I think hence the screaming feels a little off. It's probably the hence part.
I don't how long until the of lack of words stops my breathing.
I grow dead like this season. And I hope for spring.--Another great line. Great imagery. More of this please.

And thankfully I'm not hopeless yet, but I'm getting scared and scarred.
We're all just people trying to figure out who we are. And who are you?--don't really like the "and who are you"
And is that true? Half the time I'm not sure if I know anything at all.--would consider cutting "and is that true"
But that's progress stalling, and we have no time for that.

Because we can't move on if we can't build up, and I have dreams like castles.--I like dreams like castles
Stone hard and never coming down, but places like this get lonely by yourself.--don't think you need by yourself
But everyone needs shelter. I'm screaming help her! Help her! But I'm thinking help me!
Because you see I have no castle, because I still have scars and fear to mend.--fears probably. Maybe tighten ...castle, just scars and fears. To mend feels a bit unclear.

I'll be your savior if you'll be my purpose. My heart is forever in your service.--maybe tighten: I'll be your savior, be my purpose, my heart forever in your service
And I only ask for you to be there. And I understand you're scared.
But did you hear that? I swear I heard a faint sound. And now I can't silience it.
I hear your heart beat and I wonder if it will always beat.

For me.

I know that was a lot and spoken work is hard to get a handle on. Most of these comments are just thoughts as I was reading. Use what you like, ignore what you like. I mostly think this should be tightened with more added imagery. You have some good moments like that I'd just like to see more of it.

Best,

Todd