Smoggy Sunrise Over Tower Blocks

[billy]

I think I saw the sun today; a peek
as carbon clouds diluted rays
not hidden by the concrete fence
protruding through the blackdrop
of a constructed concrete horizon.
A glow, a ruddy, bloody sombre show.
My partner took her photograph and smiled
I lied, agreed that yes indeed, how right she was,
the sight of light in such a way
displayed was beautiful.
A lie that filled her need.

---

(i also change the a to her on the last line thanks to a suggestion from todd.)1st edit i like a lot of the input so tried to utilize it, the only way i could make the end less ambiguous was to remove seemed. thanks to everyone who helped.

---

Smoggy Sunrise Over Tower Blocks

I think I saw the sun today; a peek
as carbon clouds redacted rays
not hidden by the concrete fence
pointedly protruding through. The black
of the horizon. Nothing showed;
a glow, a ruddy, bloody sombre show.
My partner took her photograph and smiled
I lied, agreed that yes indeed, how right she was,
the sight of light in such a way
displayed was beautiful. It seemed
to fill a need.

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

Here are some comments for you:

I think I saw the sun today; a peek--great first line
as carbon clouds redacted rays--nice concrete imagery. You may be able to cut the as. While redacted is a word, I think you mean refracted.
not hidden by the concrete fence
pointedly protruding through. The black--not liking the adverb here. Also, you should cut the period after through
of the horizon. Nothing showed;--I liked the black of the horizon. I'm not sure what Nothing showed does for you.
a glow, a ruddy, bloody sombre show.
My partner took her photograph and smiled
I lied, agreed that yes indeed, how right she was,
the sight of light in such a way--I like the phrasing of these last four lines
displayed was beautiful. It seemed
to fill a need.--if it were me Billy, and it could just be me, I'd end the poem on beautiful.

I liked it Billy. I hope the comments are helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

thanks for the feedback as always. i'll have a think about the thoughts, i actually meant redacted as in blotted out or edited out. as for the period thing i have going on, i'm trying to work out some different enjambment than i'm used to. you could be right that it needs sorting out though, thanks again

[Todd]

If you want to use redacted you'll have to add some more, or it will come off as an error. Show the blotting more forcefully maybe.

[billy]

good point, i'll def add a line or two on the edit. i can see how it would be mistaken. thanks for the return.

[Keith]

I think I saw the sun today; a peek
as carbon clouds redacted rays cant get redacted googled it an all so probably just cant see itnot hidden by the concrete fence
pointedly protruding through. The black
of the horizon. Nothing showed;
a glow, a ruddy, bloody sombre show.love the image against the backdrop of the concreteMy partner took her photograph and smiled
I lied, agreed that yes indeed, how right she was,like the rhyme inside the line
the sight of light in such a way
displayed was beautiful. It seemed
to fill a need. Bit of a sharp end but balances I lied, I was left wondering why ? so maybe it works

Thanks for the read billy I enjoyed ? no repected the feeling it generates, I refer to the uncaring exchange and dismissal of opinion you make it work well with description and opinion of the vista, quite delecate really. Nicley done, I would only tweek second line hope some of this makes sense. TOMH

[addy]

I thought this was beautiful. That opening line was extremely sad but very balanced, not at all overdone. Like the industrial vibe of the language. I actually thought the final line ("It seemed to fill a need") was a nicely done albeit painful bookender, echoing the bleak undercurrent of the first line. Very effective, and very open to lots of neat interpretation.

I think I saw the sun today; a peek
as carbon clouds redacted rays
not hidden by the concrete fence
pointedly protruding through. I think "pointedly protruding through" is quite a mouthful, given how long the sentence has gone already. "protruding through" sounds fine to me The black
of the horizon. Nothing showed; Hmm, there are lots of ways to adjust the phrasing to this. Like "... protruding through. Against the black // of the horizon, nothing showed; // a glow, a ruddy, bloody, sombre show.//". Somthing like that
a glow, a ruddy, bloody sombre show.
My partner took her photograph and smiled
I lied, agreed that yes indeed, how right she was,
the sight of light in such a way
displayed was beautiful. It seemed
to fill a need.

[billy]

thanks tomh, i'll be doing an edit soon.

thanks for the work over addy. i'll think about what you said.

[Bloggsworth]

Redacted is a mot de nos jours, usually used when names and actions are obscured in sensitive intelligence documents; I too think refracted is a more likely word.

I think I saw the sun today; a peek
as carbon clouds redacted rays
not hidden by the concrete fence
pointedly protruding through. The black ------- The logic gets a bit confused around here. Pointetdly protruding is in
of the horizon. Nothing showed; --------------- my view an alliteration too far. The black of the horizon is not
a glow, a ruddy, bloody sombre show. --------- a sentence, so should acquire a verb or failing that, be stopped at one end or the other, but not both.
My partner took her photograph and smiled
I lied, agreed that yes indeed, how right she was,
the sight of light in such a way
displayed was beautiful. It seemed
to fill a need.

For me, the end disagrees with the beginning in that the poets original take was rather dystopian, and even though "I lied" prefaces the last four lines, the agreement is too pat; perhaps:

the sight of light in such a way
displayed had beauty, it seemed
to fill a need.

It leaves the interpretation of the poet's final words open to doubt.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback bloggs

[billy]

I think I saw the sun today; a peek
as carbon clouds diluted rays
not hidden by the concrete fence
protruding through the blackdrop
of a constructed concrete horizon.
A glow, a ruddy, bloody sombre show.
My partner took her photograph and smiled
I lied, agreed that yes indeed, how right she was,
the sight of light in such a way
displayed was beautiful.
A lie that filled her need.

---

(i also change the a to her on the last line thanks to a suggestion from todd. )1st edit i like a lot of the input so tried to utilize it, the only way i could make the end less ambiguous was to remove seemed. thanks to everyone who helped.

---

Smoggy Sunrise Over Tower Blocks

I think I saw the sun today; a peek
as carbon clouds redacted rays
not hidden by the concrete fence
pointedly protruding through. The black
of the horizon. Nothing showed;
a glow, a ruddy, bloody sombre show.
My partner took her photograph and smiled
I lied, agreed that yes indeed, how right she was,
the sight of light in such a way
displayed was beautiful. It seemed
to fill a need.

[Todd]

Much tighter. Should black drop be two words (just asking it looks off)? Maybe on the end line "her" need instead of "a".

I think it's an effective edit. I like it.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

yes to the last, about the first, i was playing with backdrop and black drop. so i'll see how it goes for now. of course me knowing what it means may not be as clever as i think.

i'm just going to add your suggestions now.

[Todd]

blackdrop: how you lose sight of the planets with the sun in view...something like that?

[billy]

partly mainly its the high rise buildings that stick into the skyline like a black curtain

[Keith]

Sorry billy not as keen on the edit, I really like the original and would only go with the 2nd and 4th line change, not sure about concrete twice so soon and the second use of it sounds like its pushed in. This seems to go against opinion so it could jst be that I connected so well with the original. Thanks TOMH

[billy]

bugger i never noticed the 2nd concrete that will be remove in the next edit to;

of a constructed horizon.

thanks for the feedback on the edit.
will think about the rest of what you said