Everything changes

[bunknown]

She says to me “we should forget our past
for it was convivial while it last.”
She asks for intimacy just one more time
I hold her close like she is mine.

She packs her things, shes got to go
for she is rushed to watch her favorite show
She reaches out like a hugging mime
I hold her close like she is mine.

But now i know that all has changed
I feel so low, hurt, estranged
But i try to play her game, last time.
I hold her close like she is mine.

Hey everyone, this is my second poem. Very personal and i thought it was good so i posted it here

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I used Leanne's practice exercise for the kyrielle. I'd suggest all new comers should check them out

[cidermaid]

Hi, Welcome. I read your first poem and it's lovely to see your second as well.
Your poem has a tangeble bitter / sweet feel to it that made it real and kept my attention, but it has a few grammatical errors that really tripped me up and spoilt the read (which can soon be put right)
Here are those that really stuck out for me:- L5 She’s, L6 Favourite, and capitalise the I in L9&11. In L2 the correct tense would be lasted. Re-checking your punctuation would also help the read.
There are a couple of places where perhaps ou need to work on the sentence structure.
She reaches out like a hugging mime. This is awkward and perhaps needs a re think. Doing a hugging mime. or perhaps In a hugging mime. These will improve the sentence construction....but you also need to be happy with the flow and feel. So don't worry about what I suggest....These are just my thoughts and I'm frequently wrong.

I loved the more formal structures and you have made good use the end rhyme sequence. The use of the kyrielle last line repetitions, in particular I felt really worked well for the poem subject.
Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. If you are new to this, you are doing some great stuff already.

[bunknown]

I appreciate the advice, especially when it comes to grammar. I am used to writing informally on social media sites and never listened too much in school haha. Thanks again for your time and opinion

B

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I also like your suggestion for "in a hugging mime." Works much better and is what I was trying to say.

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Also keep in mind I'm from Canada, so we have a lot of American influence. Favorite is the correct spelling in America and that's often how I see it written.

[cidermaid]

LOl sorry about that...just read the discussion board from leanne on the differance in spelling.

[Leanne]

Hi bunknown, thanks for playing kyrielles! I think you've done quite a good job of working out the reason behind a refrain and you use the form well. There are some bumps that are easy enough to smooth over -- this just comes with practise. The important thing is, you've used it to good effect.

You have four beats in your refrain (yours is iambic tetrameter: daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM) and it's best to keep the same meter throughout the poem, so that's what I'd suggest using. I'm going to do a quick rewrite for you that fixes some of your meter problems, but this is only to show you how it's done, there's no requirement for you to pay any attention to it whatsoever

She says to me, "forget our past.
We laughed and loved; it could not last.”
She asks for intimacy just one more time (I can't think of a substitute at the moment, but this needs to be a two-syllable word)
I hold her close like she is mine.

She packs her things, she's got to go
in time to watch her favorite show
She reaches out in hugging mime
I hold her close like she is mine.

But now I know that all has changed
I feel so low, so hurt, estranged
I try to play her game, last time
I hold her close like she is mine.

Tiny little changes except for a couple of word choices that made it impossible to keep the meter. Hope that helps a little

[billy]

great effort. i see you used time twice in the rhyme scheme, could you change one for something else. i see Leanne has pointed out the meter probs so i'll not go there. though i'd suggest substituting 'wants' for 'asks for' or another option would be to remove the 'just'. the refrain does it's job well and carries a sense of 'if it's all i can have then i'll take it.'

thanks for the read.

She says to me “we should forget our past
for it was convivial while it last.”
She asks for intimacy just one more time
I hold her close like she is mine.

She packs her things, shes got to go she's
for she is rushed to watch her favorite show
She reaches out like a hugging mime
I hold her close like she is mine.

But now i know that all has changed
I feel so low, hurt, estranged
But i try to play her game, last time.
I hold her close like she is mine.

Hey everyone, this is my second poem. Very personal and i thought it was good so i posted it here

---

I used Leanne's practice exercise for the kyrielle. I'd suggest all new comers should check them out

[Art Deco]

Hi Bunknown - I particularly liked the repeat of the final line in each stanza - The rhyme roles along nicely and although most lines have the pleasing eight beats there are a few exceptions which rather spoil the flow - Some alternative suggestions below

She says to me “we should forget our past
for it was convivial while it last.”
She asks for intimacy just one more time
I hold her close like she is mine.

She packs her things, shes got to go
for she is rushed to watch her favorite show For she must watch her favourite show
She reaches out like a hugging mime Vivid image here
I hold her close like she is mine.

But now i know that all has changed
I feel so low, hurt, estranged
But i try to play her game, last time. Though nine beats, this might work better ...Yet I play her game a final time
I hold her close like she is mine.

Hey everyone, this is my second poem. Very personal and i thought it was good so i posted it here

---

I used Leanne's practice exercise for the kyrielle. I'd suggest all new comers should check them out

All in all I enjoyed your poem and look forward to reading more from
Bunknown.