The Tragedian's Growth

[heslopian]

"Fine, but too many gays," said dad one evening
when I asked how a date with my stepmother went
(he'd taken her to a dinner 'n' dancing joint).

His hate was fairly inoffensive;
the kind a lot of men share
as fear and ignorance combine.

Mine, however, was unforgiving.
In dreams I'd beat and humiliate him,
like a Jacobean climax
where everyone dies horribly.

[rowens]

Seems to work. You didn't try anything that seems out of place. No poetic ornaments, I mean.

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback, rowens

[billy]

"Fine, but too many gays," said dad one evening can this line be split and separated with a white line?
when I asked how a date with my stepmother went
(he'd taken her to a dinner 'n' dancing joint).

His hate was fairly inoffensive;
the kind a lot of men share
as fear and ignorance combine. i think this stanza shows a lot of understanding.

Mine, however, was unforgiving. no need for the 1st comma
In dreams I'd beat and humiliate him,
like a Jacobean climax great simile and funny to boot.
where everyone dies horribly. this stanza plays really well off the 2nd one.

i liked this one jack. nothing but a few nits. i liked how the father was understood but nonetheless hated in the extreme. the simile worked really well with the title in showing how the 1st person came to feel so melodramatic. it also describes some of the pain homosexuals can feel from their own family.

thanks for the read

[heslopian]

Thanks for your kind and helpful feedback, Billy By "can this line be split and separated with a white line?" do you think that the first bit in dialogue should be its own verse?

[billy]

yes,

[Todd]

Hey Jack,

I like how used the title to sell the ending in the last two lines. I think it's fitting that Jacobi is gay. So nice condensed scene and insight. My only call out is I'm not fond of the parenthetical aside. It detracts from the moment for me. Maybe simply: at a dinner 'n' dancing joint.

Beyond that, no issues. I liked it.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Thanks for your kind and helpful feedback, Todd I thought the parenthesis might be too much as well, but when I took it out it made the first verse seem quite puzzling. Where had they gone on a date if there were too many gays? Would it make much difference if I changed it to "he'd taken her dancing"?

[Todd]

I think that would work Jack. I don't think dinner is necessary to the poem.

[penguin]

I like this, think the last verse is just right. The rhythm in the first verse seems out of sync to the rest, the lines are too long. I'd suggest something like this

"Fine, but too many gays," said dad
when I asked how a date with my stepmom went
(they'd been to a dinner 'n' dancing joint).

the kind a lot of men share - maybe you could put "straight" before men