Sand between my toes

[Keith]

Reworked version based on feedback, thanks

Windbreak weathered by salt and sun,
secured by pounding rocks.

Beach shaped by shell and tide,
re-worked by playful feet.

Creatures caught by line and net,
carried in a sloshing bucket.

Seagulls chased by waving hands,
crazed for a falling crust.

Bodies boarded by wetsuit and wave,
frozen by a juddering jaw.


Dizzy from dingy inflation.
Burnt by bare excavation.
Tumbled from surf to towel.
Raced from rock to pool.

Sunset supported by fish and chips,
greasy fingers and salty lips.
Empty beach soft warm fleece,
children yawn, storied to sleep.
Mum and dad take some time,
watch the waves with bottle of wine.
Cooling sand shows remnants of fun,
windbreak flaps at the last of the sun.



1st go
Windbreak weathered by salt and sun,
beaten by a pounding rock.

Sand shaped by shell and tide,
re-worked by a tiny foot.

Creatures caught by line and net,
beached by a sloshing hand.

Bodies boarded by wetsuit and wave,
frozen by a juddering jaw.

Seagulls shunned by flip-flop and book,
crazed by a Cornish crust.

Dizzy from dingy inflation.
Burnt from bare excavation.
Trekked from sand to castle.
Tumbled from surf to towel.
Raced from rock to pool.

Sun set supported by fish and chips,
greasy fingers and salty lips.
Empty beach with snuggly fleece,
children yawn, storied to sleep.
Mum and dad take some time,
watch the waves with bottle of wine.
Cooling sand shows remnants of fun,
windbreak flaps at the last of the sun.

[billy]

Windbreak weathered by salt and sun,is windbreak needed? it reads as windbreak, windbreak.
beaten by a pounding rock. i like this if it's a metaphor for the sea if it's literal them i think 'by pounding rocks' would work better.

Sand shaped by shell and tide,
re-worked by a tiny foot.

Creatures caught by line and net,
beached by a sloshing hand. feels awkward, i see it as water that sloshes?

Bodies boarded by wetsuit and wave,
frozen by a juddering jaw.

Seagulls shunned by flip-flop and book,
crazed by a Cornish crust.

Dizzy from dingy inflation. this i can identify with i always went missing when it was time for this chore
Burnt from bare excavation.
Trekked from sand to castle.
Tumbled from surf to towel.
Raced from rock to pool. i like the separate snapshots within this stanza that gives a condensed feel to it.

Sun set supported by fish and chips,
greasy fingers and salty lips.
Empty beach with snuggly fleece, snugly
children yawn, storied to sleep.
Mum and dad take some time,
watch the waves with bottle of wine.
Cooling sand shows remnants of fun,
windbreak flaps at the last of the sun.

for me this last stanza is the benchmark for the poem. while the penultimate stanza almost attains it, i don't think the rest of the poem does as well. the last stanza/verse has a universality to it, okay maybe not the fish and chips, but the feel of it carries through cultures. how many people haven't been there? not many would be my guess.

thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Hi TOMH,

Here are some comments for you:

Windbreak weathered by salt and sun,--love the alliteration...though if this is your first line you may be able to come up with a better title since you use the word in line one.
beaten by a pounding rock.--just an opinion but I'd like to see pounding replaced with a b, w, or s word to carry the alliteration forward.

Sand shaped by shell and tide,
re-worked by a tiny foot.--again with the alliteration, it's your sonic devices that are really making this work. Also love the assonance with the i sounds.

Creatures caught by line and net,
beached by a sloshing hand.

Bodies boarded by wetsuit and wave,
frozen by a juddering jaw.--the parallel construction with these last two couplets sounded good to read. I like the symmetry.

Seagulls shunned by flip-flop and book,
crazed by a Cornish crust.--while I like the visual shunning, this feels a bit structurally off to me. It could be flip-flop feeling too long,or losing the -ing verb. That said, I like the content. I'd be tempted to leave it alone and move both lines to the beginning of the next strophe. That might eliminate the problem, or the problem could just be in my head

Dizzy from dingy inflation.
Burnt from bare excavation.
Trekked from sand to castle.
Tumbled from surf to towel.
Raced from rock to pool.--I like all the content here most of all. The burned out sense of what fun is. This is such a true picture of the aftermath of a day out

Sun set supported by fish and chips,--sunset one word
greasy fingers and salty lips.--love the sensory details
Empty beach with snuggly fleece,
children yawn, storied to sleep.--storied is a great word
Mum and dad take some time,
watch the waves with bottle of wine.
Cooling sand shows remnants of fun,
windbreak flaps at the last of the sun.

It's a solid poem. I liked the read. I hope some of this was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[cidermaid]

Hi TOMH
I'm not sure my thoughts are very technical but I will offer what came accross for me.
I felt that the use of alliteration that you kept up in most lines was pleasant and made the poem sing for me. I felt that it nicely softened the edges of the read so that the whole had a sort of hazed out or blurred edges to it...just like the recollection of a day at the seaside. This then and the use of snapshot style stanza subjects, again bringing to mind the element of people watching that is part of the holiday experiance.
So overall this poem worked well for me.

Windbreak weathered by salt and sun,
beaten by a pounding rock. This first picture did feel a little weak as an opener, but then on the second
read it felt ok after I had got into the subject. (Also If this is a picture log
of a day at the sea then perhaps that first magical view over the sand
dunes or the walk down the cliff to the beach would be a stronger memory)
Also I keep thinking is this a domestic windbreak or a beach head one?
Sand shaped by shell and tide,
re-worked by a tiny foot. Loved the drawing in to the microscopic. Always do this when i first sit on
the sand...get drawn into contemplation of the sand and shell fragments.
What rock they were hewn from, what tiny foot.... felt this line was so
good nearly didn't get any further on first read!

Creatures caught by line and net,
beached by a sloshing hand. Not sure if this worked for me. would like something a little stronger to do
the image justice...? captive creatures in the net (no still not right!)

Bodies boarded by wetsuit and wave,
frozen by a juddering jaw.

Seagulls shunned by flip-flop and book,
crazed by a Cornish crust. Fun and spot on.

Dizzy from dingy inflation.
Burnt from bare excavation.
Trekked from sand to castle.
Tumbled from surf to towel.
Raced from rock to pool. This really seamed to pull everything together and make all the other
snap shots come into sharper focus....lovely.

Sun set supported by fish and chips,
greasy fingers and salty lips.
Empty beach with snuggly fleece,
children yawn, storied to sleep.
Mum and dad take some time,
watch the waves with bottle of wine.
Cooling sand shows remnants of fun,
windbreak flaps at the last of the sun. Again...yummy memories well summed up.

Hope the personal approach to appraisal is perhaps in some way complimentary to the other critiques


Oh shit comp user failure....again!...I can't do bloodly computors....give me a crayon any day...how do I get it to stay in the indents that I wrote it in???..need to go find tecno son to tell me how to sort it out

[Keith]

Thanks Todd very helpful, I can feel a mod coming on, you see more than I ever intended but it helps alot when you point them out.

[b]Thanks billy as always you point out the lines I struggled with and thus changed I think I will revert to type, thanks for the help

Thanks ciderM, all and any approach work for me and thank you for the comments, time to re-work me thinks.

[Todd]

I like it. While flip and flop may lack some clarity, I found it clever. I also like the crust of bread line better. I see the choices you made and chose not to make and found that I like the rewrite. No issues for me. I like the new title. Nice work.