So Tired

[Mr. Brown]

For who, and why, do I try?
When I, I am so very tired.
I am so very tired of weary skies,
As if waiting for unruly demise.

For what, and why, must I climb?
Climb, climb, climb
These rocks tremble underneath my feet,
I'll fall at the gentle push of another heartbeat.

For what, and why, do I fight?
Sacrifices; fallen brothers; social battlefields
Closer than blood,
Further apart than Mars and Venus

On whose time, under whose rule, do I live?
Confined to the ideas of social medias,
Free to pick the poison of an everyday routine.
A perfectly packaged failure off assembly line.

So for who, and why, do I try?
Isolated mind; lost in seas of many
When I, I am so very tired.
Tell me why, why I try,
I will obtain the the answer, to who am I.
But now I rest; I am so very tired.

[billy]

For who, and why, do I try?
When I, I am so very tired.
I am so very tired of weary skies,
As if waiting for unruly demise. the opening feels very weak.

For what, and why, must I climb?
Climb, climb, climb
These rocks tremble underneath my feet,
I'll fall at the gentle push of another heartbeat. a solid line, if you can do this one you can do more, it's what's needed so far.

For what, and why, do I fight?
Sacrifices; fallen brothers; social battlefields another good line,
Closer than blood,
Further apart than Mars and Venus

On whose time, under whose rule, do I live? all these lines that are of a sameness, weaken the strong lines.
Confined to the ideas of social medias,
Free to pick the poison of an everyday routine.
A perfectly packaged failure off assembly line.

So for who, and why, do I try?
Isolated mind; lost in seas of many
When I, I am so very tired.
Tell me why, why I try,
I will obtain the the answer, to who am I.
But now I rest; I am so very tired.

in general you have too few images. a few lines work really well but sadly are burdened with lines that feel a lot flatter. the social malaise is there but it isn't their enough.

thanks for the read.

[Keith]

I like the theme of the poem ie having to carry on or do something when you are dead on your feet you have some great lines (Billy already paid homage) these lines really show the reader how tired you are and thus give greater depth when you write like this. I would really enjoy to see this reworked with simple stanza's you dont need to say for what for why or climb, climb etc when you say "rocks tremble beneath my feet" because from this I see you climbing and the theme tell me your exausted. Thanks for the read TOMH

[TwistedAngel]

the first lines of the first stanza did draw me in ..tho i do have to agree with billy that "As if waiting for unruly demise" is weak

me other problem is 2nd stanza 2nd line "Climb, climb, climb" for me is a poetical cheat lol i'd rather see another line

tho i will say the overall 'samness' of some lines IMO did add to the poems theme of drudgery an sameness that gets you down an tired