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Crosses or Crescents,
Believe what you want.
O, Judgement day is coming
Don't you worry, enfants.
Sigils or Stars,
Just keep me out of it,
It'll only bring me down,
because i'll never fit.
Colours or Nations,
Are no such things.
What only divide us,
Is the choices HE brings.
ATTENTION: Need a new title - open for answers.
Posts: 5,057
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11-21-2012, 05:38 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-21-2012, 05:52 PM by billy.)
(11-21-2012, 07:15 AM)Meilhac Wrote: Crosses or Crescents,
Believe what you want.
O, Judgement day is coming
Don't you worry, enfants.
Sigils or Stars,
Just keep me out of it,
It'll only bring me down,
because i'll never fit.
Colours or Nations,
Are no such things.
What only divide us,
Is the choices HE brings.
ATTENTION: Need a new title - open for answers.
attention: it look like you're calling a dog or soldier to order.
i'd suggest finding a suitable meter and sticking with it. want doesn't rhyme with enfants. (i always thought it was infant) i suggest something along the lines of "two states" for the title though thinking of your own would be more satisfying.
thanks for the read.
it has been indicated to me that enfants is french and pronounced enfont. i'm glad you didn't use Japanese
Posts: 1,548
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(11-21-2012, 07:15 AM)Meilhac Wrote: Crosses or Crescents,
Believe what you want.
O, Judgement day is coming Should "day" be capitalised too?
Don't you worry, enfants. I like "enfants" as opposed to "infants".
Sigils or Stars,
Just keep me out of it,
It'll only bring me down,
because i'll never fit. "I'll". Also, should "because" be capitalised (every other line's first letter is)?
Colours or Nations,
Are no such things.
What only divide us,
Is the choices HE brings. Does the "e" in "HE" - which I assume refers to God - need capitalising?
ATTENTION: Need a new title - open for answers.
Your idiosyncratic use of capitals is a bit Emily Dickinson. I'm not sure it adds much, but you could argue that it makes "colours" and "nations" etc. feel like tangible objects, which makes knocking them down more fun. I was surprised by the last line because the first verse felt atheistic. That isn't a criticism so much as an observation; I liked the surprise, though I may have been the only one who was surprised

As for the title, "Whatever Works", though it may be a bit soft for what feels like an aggressive poem, I think it works well and basically conveys the message or theme. All my critique is, of course, JMHO, and thanks very much for the read
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe